Caption Contest

December 10, 2005: Caption Contest

Caption Competition

Lex: This bring back any memories, Lana? Yes, that's right. I know.
(Lana turns and glares at him suspiciously, then tears off her exoskin and reveals her true alien form. Lex, quick on the draw, andminsters a massive punch to her alien jaw, knocking her out.)
Lex: Welcome to Earth!

And the runner-ups:

Red Hobbes
Deleted scene from Flight of the Lex-agator.

Red Hobbes
"Bruce Wayne's so rich? Yeah well does he have THIS??!"

Red Hobbes
"You're our last hope... become the Last Starfighter."

Lana vs. The Kodan Armada? Triangles would pwn her.

Wild Bill
Lana: Lex, why would you go through the trouble of shipping this highly valuable, highly controversial object all the way to Metropolis when you've got perfectly good warehouses in your factory in Smallville?

Lex: Shut up, that's why!

Makeshift Python
Lex: "Like my ride shaped like a !@#$%*?"
Lana: "You lie, you Lie! It's more like RED FOR FUSION!"
Lex points a gun at her: "Answer the question or I shall ruin your complextion NEUTROGENA!"
Lana: "YOU LIE!!!"
Lex: "Oh... God. My urge is rising!" *cocks gun*
Lana: "Oh like HERBAL ESSENCES?!"
*Lex shoots her on the knee and she is at the hospital after the commercial.*

And now, a message from Garth

Garth: "It's like people only do things to get paid. And that's just really sad."

Wild Bill
Lana was even more unnerved when Lex finished off his explanation with a firm, open-palmed slap on the behind.

Wild Bill
Despite Lex's best efforts, Lana still had to award the prize for Strongest Phallic Imagery in an Arbitrary Ratings Ploy to Clark's fortress. Better luck next year, Luthor.

Lex: Why do I get the feeling someone is watching us from a dirty window?

Lex: It doesn't look like much now but once I get the spinners I ordered, get the flames painted on and these RType stickers put on, it will smoke everything that rolls up on me.

Brainiac's riddin' spinnahs!

Lex: We tried everything we could to get in here. Diamond tipped drills, hi-tech lasers, none of it worked. But I think that you can help us solve this mystery.

Lana walks up to ship and tries the door handle. Ship opens.

Lex: Well I'll be...

"She'll make point five past lightspeed. She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid. I've made a lot of special modifications myself. And she runs on Old Spice"

Great. Coke nostrils. Thanks, Ash! Oy! Too funny.

last man of krypton
Lana: How do you get into the ship?
Lex: I'd like to get into YOUR ship! Show The Lex some love!

I MISS SCRUBS! BRING IT BACK! BRING IT BACK NOOOOOOOOOOOOW! The Neal commands it. I watch three shows. When one is off the air, you need a fix.

Lex: So what do you think?
Lana: Does it come in black?
Lex: Umm, it is black.
Lana: Umm, riiiight. I knew that.

The Old Bum
Lex: I do not leak. You leak.

The Old Bum
LEX: Let's see that Swann jerk try to steal this!

Lex: Subtle sexual innuendo/product placement tie-in?
Lana: Humorous denial, Lex.

(And that's the way the caption contest goes this week.)

Nonchalante reparte...reference.

Lex: Well, we haven't been able to figure out how to open it or unlock it, and we don't even know how we'd get it started if we did. But there is some good news.
Lex: I just saved a bunch of money on it by switching to-
(Lana turns and vaporizes him with heat vision)
Lana: (to camera) What? It makes as much sense as anhything else on this show.
(She flaps her arms, awkwardly lifts off into the air, and flies away)

Lana: I have GOT to get me one of these!!!

Lex: This bring back any memories, Lana? Yes, that's right. I know.
(Lana turns and glares at him suspiciously, then tears off her exoskin and reveals her true alien form. Lex, quick on the draw, andminsters a massive punch to her alien jaw, knocking her out.)
Lex: Welcome to Earth!

Lex: so, what do you think of my marklark, Marklark?

Marklark. Marklark Marklark.

Lex: "And we've tried everything, but we haven't been able to get it o-"
Lana walks up and touches the ship, which opens instantly. And a voice emerges . . .
Ship: "Face it, Lana. You're amazing."
Neal (off in the distance): *Sigh*

She's even more powerful than DEATH!

Neal: (trying to decide on a picture) Hmm. What's a good picture for a bunch of Lana-hating sci-fi geeks who would love to take a shot at this flippin' horrible love triangle between Lana, Lex and Clark?
(he opens the Superman Homepage's Smallville image gallery. An evil smile spreads across his face.)
Neal: Gotcha, mother&$&^#!.

It even has the triangle semiotic image right there in the subtext. Face it, I'm amazing.

Lex: Well, there you have it, lana. The greatest discovery in human history.
Lana: Wow. And how many inept guards did you say you had guarding it?
Lex: Two. Why?

Lana: Ok here it is, Lex. This is the warehouse you asked me to bring you to... is it helping your amnesia at all to see this?
Lex: Why yes... Yes, it's magnificent. *turns to Lana* You will no longer be needed. *points gun* BLAM!
Lex (starts peeling plastic from his head) I don't know what's better about this PERFECT day... acquiring the ship,
(keeps peeling... revealing hair underneath),
Lana's demise,
(the last of the plastic snaps off of the back of the neck; the hair is green)
... or the fact that she actually BOUGHT this bathing cap disguise!
*a delighted Neal Bailey skips toward the ship*

First stop...the Red Phantom Zone

The ship, making a psychic connection to Lex, begins flashing its headlights at Lana and blaring "Feel Like Making Love" by Bad Company.

Lex: We figured it out, Lana. I'm leaving tomorrow.
Lana: Wh...where will you go?
Lex: To the stars. I don't know what's out there, but I have to find out. All my life, I've stared up into the night sky and wished I could be up there, away from this little planet where nobody understands me. Up where I really should be.
(turns back to Lana)
And I want you to come with me.
Lana: (shocked) Wha....I can't, Lex...what about school, what about Clark...
Lex: (grasping her hands) Lana, I'm offering you the chance of a lifetime! To see the universe, firsthand! Don't turn it down.
Lana: (hesitant, then strong) Well...okay, Lex. I'll come with you.
Towelie: Don't forget to bring a towel!

Faint murmers from inside the ship:
"So what are we going to do tonight, Brainiac?"
"The same thing we do every night, Koko... try to manipulate that fool Kal-El into freeing General Zod so that he can take over the world!"
Lana: What was that?
Lex: *blush* Gas.

Ten points for use of Koko.

Lana: Lex, I appreciate all you've done for me over the years, but I think I need to put a stop to what you're doing. It's obvious that you're attracted to me, and I think it might not be appropriate to be spending so much time alone together. I don't want to give you the wrong idea. You see I've loved Clark since the moment I saw him, yeah, that's it. And now we're finally together, and I'm happy. You're a nice guy, Lex, a great guy. And you could give some lucky girl everything she ever dreamed of. But I love Clark. He may be poor, but he's rich in spirit. And he may be dumb, but man is he hot. You could grate cheese on those abs. Besides, the money issue doesn't matter to me. I'm earthy and a free spirit. I'm not impressed with material things---
Lex: Here's my spaceship.
Lana: Let's make babies, bald man!

(the ship opens in a bright burst of light)
Lex, Lana: (in unison) Pete?!?

Pete: Come with me if you want to live.

Lana: It's so...depressing.
Lex: Yeah. Doesn't it just make you want to go emo?
Clark: (pressed up against depressing streaked window) I hear that!

Kids and emo. Criminy. Whatever happened to pretending to be punks?

Lex: I bet this'll piss off all those folks outside the USA who've been trying to avoid spoilers.

I'll bet those folks're probably deluding themselves if they think it's a reasonable assumption that they can hop on the INFORMATION superhighway, head to a Superman site, and not find...INFORMATION!

Then Lex thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"
And what happened then...? Smallville they say
That Lex's small heart
Grew three sizes that day!

Which, of course, caused a massive coronary.
Which is why I think the Surgeon General should issue a statement warning that too much Christmas spirit could kill you. Yes, I'm talking to you, seasonal sweater wearers...

(And somewhere in Tacoma, Neal sits in front of his PC in a red knitted Frosty the Snowman sweater with a reindeer antlers headband on, and reads this caption.)
Neal: Definitely not getting runners up.

Oddly enough, because I cannot afford to heat my house (writing for free don't come cheap) I'm sitting in three layers of clothing and blowing into my hand...but NO sweater, confound it! I have SOME standards!

I'll spare the kids the puns and innuendo and simply post:

Lex: Giggity, giggity, GIG-AH-TY!

Lex: Behold, Lana - my plan to sabotage Jonathan Kent's campaign.
Lana: I don't get it.
Lex: Well, it's not done yet. But paint it orange, throw a Stars and Bars on the roof, and stick the number 01 on each side of it, then plant it in his barn, then I've got something.

L-Ron: Umm, hi. Can I have my ride back? My master's gonna be pissed if he finds out I was out picking up chicks in it.
(Lex and Lana just blankly stare at the little robot.)
L-Ron: Okay, okay. Picking up dudes in it.

Now THAT is one obscure reference. Double tap high five.

Lex: One things for certain. The ship's power is exceeded only by it's mystery.

(Ship opens and Milton Fine sits up holding a copy of "The Unauthorized Biography of Sarah Michelle Gellar" and a flashlight.)

Fine: Do you mind? Some of us are trying to read around here.

(Fine lays back down. Ship closes.)

Lana: Wow. It's hard to believe that this thing is real.
Lex: Believe it. There is life on other planets.
Lana: I wonder whatever happened to the two aliens that travelled here in it.
Clark ( At the Kent farm, driving fence posts into the ground with his bare hands, listening in on the conversation using super-hearing): I beat those chumps like they owed me money, that's what happened.

Word! Toying with my money is like toying with my emotions!

Lex: I'm sort of going through a really weird time in my life right now.

(Lana slowly takes Lex's hand and they stare at the ship together, as the Pixies' "Where Is My Mind" starts to play.)

In the background, tractors explode and collapse.

Lana: So Lex, youre tellin me this used to be a '83 Buick Century?
Lex: I'm tellin you, the guys at PIMP MY RIDEreally hooked me up!

Suntanned Superman

Pot and the kettle. That ain't funny either. I sense repressed childhood tractor issues. Show us where you touched the tractor on this doll...


Lana: I'm not licking it.

Lex: I already did. It tastes TERRIBLE.

Lana: Lex, I got your call and got here as soon as I could! What's going on?
Lex: Something is stirring in the ship. We think it's going to open.
(Armed guards begin to fill the room. The ship opens and the alien peeks its head out.)
Alien: Ell-i-ot?
Nervous Guard: Oh my god, it's horrible! Kill it! Kill it!
(Guards instinctively open fire...)
Alien: Ooouuch...

Lex: "Hi, I'm Lex."
Lana: "I'm Lana."
Lex: "What's the point of us introdusing ourselves?"
Lana: "What's the ponit of this caption?"

That is so David Byrne, it got a laugh. I'll tell you later!

Monkey Chops
Lex: "I got a joke! What's big, shiny, and out of this world?"
Lana: "Your head?"
Lex: "I hate you."

Lex: This ship will take you safely to Otisburg

Lana: Is that...what I think it is?!

Lex: That's right, Lana. It's a glitch-free Xbox 360. It cost me a few million, and I had to roundhouse kick an old lady out of the way to get it, but it was worth it.

Lana: So what are you going to do now?

Lex: Sit in the dark for a few months and fantasize about the chick in Perfect Dark: Zero.

I'm now reading the Perfect Dark book, Initial Vector, by Greg Rucka. Not bad, actually. It's making me pull the old game out of the closet.

Lana: Why is the floor half dirt?
Lex: Its the boundary line. Anyone who has stepped within has died. Only an idiot would dare step foot within.


Why do you do this *%$, Leeroy? (I'M TRYING!)


Lex: Oh my God. He just ran in.

At least I have chicken

It was a little rocky to one side, but I wedged my autographed copy of "Jake Madly" under the leg and now it's fine!

So long as you read it, I dinnae care WHAT ye do with it.

(Obscure movie reference that will be selected as winner here.)

Or a reference to a reference, perhaps?

Lana: Hmm, looks like there's a scratch on the side there.


Lana: "What did you name this baby?"
Lex: "Falcor."
Lana: "You mean that white luck dragon from the book 'The Neverending Story'?"
Lex: "Yes, I didn't know you've read that?"
Lana: "Only a million times, the movie sucks. You get the full experience with the book."
Lex: "I've never found anyone who shared my love for that copper bound, red and green typed book."
Lana: "Me too."

I loved that book. But it's a real gyp. It ends.

Lana: Lex, your spaceship is taking a dump!

Lex: Dr. Fine?

That is just a hilarious image. I considered making it the winner, but putting that on the front page might get me shot. Still, extra honorable mention.

Lex: Seeing that all the GOOD Tractor jokes have been taken, let me broaden your horizons, Lana. Shall I "attract" you with my.. TRACTOR BEAM?!?!" MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA

Caption Contest Archives