Caption Contest

November 5, 2006: Caption Contest

Caption Competition

I used it once already, but...

Baern: Prepare to dizzle, Son of Jor-Izzle!

And the runner-ups:


We definitely have to bring that back.

"Nice night for a walk. Your clothes - give them to me, now."

Interesting fact: in the original script for this episode, when Baern unleashed its power blast, the SFX cue was Kevin Spacey screaming "WROOOOOONNG!"

Clark: He doesn't look so tough, Raya.
Raya: Looks are decieving, Kal-El! He's about to unleash his powerful RAP BLAST!
Baern: Eat beat, hicks!
(He unleashes a sonic shockwave of Diddy)
Clark: AARRGH! My...white Midwestern burns!
Raya: Use...your family's...personal audio can stop him!
(Clark, covering his ears, sucks in a deep breath - then begins screaming a very off-key version of John Mellencamp's Jack and Diane.)
(He vanishes)

Baern: You cannot stop me, Kal-El. I am invincible.
Clark: Not so fast. I can't stop you, but I know someone who can.
(Clark vanishes in a superspeed blur, returning a moment later with a handheld mirror.)
Clark: Biggie Smalls-Biggie Smalls-Biggie Smalls!
(Suddenly, BIGGIE SMALLS appears)
Biggie: Oh, s***! What the f*** is this here? Crazy-@$$ fool, posing like he's hot s***! Check yo'self, fool!
(He pulls out his .45 and shoots Baern in the chest)
Biggie: Muthaf****.

That episode was fricking hilarious.

Freak of the Week (FOTW), Phantom of the Week (PHOTW)...the acronym may have changed, but it still spells SUCK.

Even in Kryptonian

Baern, a being from another galaxy sent here to earth for only one reason: to conveniently nullify the arbitrary tension between Lana and Lex, yet still allowing her to flip her hair a lot and act wounded, yet at the same time so incredibly strong and independent. Sigh. So amazing...

And hey, imagine being a girl who sees guys saying "That's hot!" and feeling like they have to live up to it. Wait...just stopped being funny.

"Damn dawg, who farted"

It could have been worst They could have gotten lil' romeo for the part.

" You all know I had nothing to do with this." declared Bow Wow " Arson is more Lil Kim's style."

jimmy mac
"Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day; Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."

This will be the kingdom motto when I am king.

At the Audition for Firestarter in da hood-

Bow Wow: How was that guys?

Director: That was pretty good

Bow Wow: So do I get the part

Director: Sorry no, your acting sucks and to be honest we could get a much better celebrity. However there is this failing show on the CW you would be perfect for......

super surfer
One of the MON-STARS from "Spacejam".

This shows how far I've fallen over the years. I catch that reference. B-dee b-dee...boodily.

super surfer
Yo! Where Kal-el at man?

Gough: Oh god, Pete has returned!

Miller: Quick, Pete's trying to get back on the show! Change the locks, change the locks!

Midget fart jokes. Still funny.

Particularly when it's not a real midget, just a dude who's so short he can pass for one and yet talks like he's 40 feet tall.

"Look, over in the crator!"
"Is it a bird?"
"Is it a plane?"
"Nah, it's some short dude rapper type trying to branch out into acting"
"One day we're gonna get a decent ending to this phrase"

I dunno. I say DMX can act and rap. But it's not like that's the rule.

super surfer
Bow before Bow Wow!

super surfer
This looks like a job for... AQUAMAN!

super surfer
I see hip-hop people.

Baern: Hello, humans. I'm here to deliver a public service message in regards to some of the science you see on Smallville. Now, folks, when a meteorite or other object falls to Earth at high velocity, it will create a crater in the ground, not on top of it. As you can see, this is not the case with the crater I'm standing on.

Also, when a human runs at high speed - several thousand miles per hour, he or she would create a large pressure wave known as a sonic boom. This would also create a large vacuum behind the person, which would draw any loose objects into the wake of the person.

Kryptonians can fly under a yellow sun. I can't stress this enough. People. From. Krypton. Can. Fly. It does not matter whether they associate themselves more closely with Earth or Krypton.

Also, a Kryptonian's aura does not extend far past his or her skin. This means that items like jackets, backpacks, and annoying passive-agressive ex-girlfriends are not protected by it, and would be torn apart by friction at high speeds.

Heat vision cannot be shot in "bullets" of light. That would be photon torpedo vision. Heat vision is like a flashlight, not a Smith and Wesson.

Jor-El is a d**k. That's not scientific, I'm just reminding the writers. Jonathan was the good father.

Kryptonite cannot be used to fuel dragsters, transfer Kryptonian DNA, restore lost memories, or fracture the laws of physics by creating exact duplicates of people. Just not gonna happen.

And remember...the more you know. Now back to our regular scheduled program.
(suddenly posing)



Data: Captain, we seem to be being dragged in towards early 21st century Earth by an unknown force of tremendous strength.

Riker: A black hole? On Earth?

Data: Negative, sir. It appears instead to be an immense plot hole, generated from the area of Vancouver, Canada. It appears to have begun generating around 8 p.m. on November 10, 2004, which, if my memory banks serve correctly, was the time that episode 408 of the TV series Smallville - entitled "Spell" - aired.

Worf: Captain - the plot hole has already sucked in dozens of other shows. We are falling into its grasp! We must take immediate action!

Picard: Agreed. Mr. Crusher, get us out of here, maximum warp.

SFX: That sound your car makes when the drive wheels are caught in the snow

Riker: What's wrong?

Data: We've already entered the plot hole's event horizon, Commander.

Picard: Red alert! All hands to battle stations! Set phasers to ROCK!

Jason has, I believe, the two longest entries I've ever put in here, mostly because they sound like me on a rant? Narcissist? No. I'm the most arrogant SOB in the world. Why? Because everybody loves me! (This and other epigrams available in "If You're Reading This, I'm Probably Dead," my book of poems.)

Bow Wow: This episode has been brought to you by the Toyota Yaris.
And by Basketball! (my hit single!)
And by the letter A.
for A$$
As in, this episode tastes like ...

Before you kneel before Zod you better bow before Bow wow ...

I'd be contributing more, but I was out buying a bigger monitor so I'd be able to read people's captions without having to scroll over six times to finish them.

Folks, if there's ever a caption or post anywhere that goes beyond the end of your screen, let the mods know, we'll fix it. It takes two seconds. You can email me at or any of the other mods...

super surfer
Bow Wow hosts "Survivor - Compton".

Pssht! Yeah. Wonder what would happen if they tried that segregation crap THERE.

Gil Hicks: Uncomfortable place? What... like the back of a Yaris?

And Smallville has Bow Wow do a guest spot in the hopes of making the show appear more "urban" and "street".

Why am I reminded of Pat Boone singing Metallica?

super surfer
Baern: You mean you ELECT your rulers here?

We do? I thought it was Emperor Diebold...

super surfer
Bow Wow: Who the hell is Waverider?

He...he made SKEETS! Kinda...

super surfer
Clark: Did a meteor land here?
Baern: Nope. This crater formed all by itself. Here's your sign.

super surfer
Bow Wow: Man, I told you not to mess with that anti-particle, anti-boson, muon thingamajizzle!

YEAH! Where the HECK are my anti-boson jokes????? HUH!!!?

super surfer
And the number one sign that your show is in a tailspin is:
Lame ex-rappers guest star on it.

Baern: I have been sent here to eliminate the being known as K-Fed. WHERE IS HE??
Kid: I don't know!
Baern: DIE! *zap*


Whassup Big Perm, I mean Big Worm. C'mon Craig! It's Friday!

There is no POSSIBLE way you could have known that's one of my favorite movies. Buy a lotto ticket today.

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