Caption Contest

January 5, 2006: Caption Contest

Caption Competition

If that hat was a person, I would punch it in the stomach so hard...

And the runner-ups:

Lex: So now you learn the price you pay for incompetence in my organization, Miss Kowalski. You fail me, I take the fingers! Of your gloves.

Lex: And if you ever want to see this hand again, you'll pay a ransom of 20 million dollars!

An angry, skinny woman attempting to slap Lex Luthor? God, this scene seems so familiar for some reason...

An angry, skinny woman trying to slap ANY man and get away with it onscreen? Tell me about it.

Michael Rosenbaum: Huh. You call that bald? That stubble could choke a Gillette Triple Shave. Nice chia head, K-Pax!

Spacey then bites into an unpeeled banana and farts.

Lex: You call yourself an automaton? I've seen monkeys dance "The Robot" better than you! Keep this elbow locked and your tricep parallel with the floor! Right angles are the robot's friend. Robots live in a square world, full of clean lines and logic and efficiency of movement. That's why robots hate jazz. You've got to stop thinking like Kitty and start thinking like Twiki. Bleep, bleep, beedy beedy beedy! Alright. We're going to try this again, from the top.

Kitty: You're insane.

Lex: Hello? I'm Lex Luthor! You didn't pick up on the crazy when you learned I've devoted my life to pissing off a guy who can bat the moon around like a tether ball?!

I cannot BELIEVE I got a "Save the Last Dance" reference. It's over for me. Really, it is. Close up the warehouse, turn out the lights. They say if they hold it up right against my head I won't feel anything. Do it! Do it now!

Lex: Easy with the violence! All I said was I don't think the smaller shield emblem is that bad!

Lex (blocks Kitty's slap): Not so fast there, Kwiky Koala!
Kitty: Stop calling me that!
Lex: But, baby, that's my pet name for you! I thought you liked it!
Kitty: You idiot! It's why I tried to slap you in the first place! That was two seconds ago!
Lex: Kwiky, baby, let's not fight...

Red Hobbes
"Ah Tish, that's French!"

Makeshift Python
(Lex grabs her wrist right before she was about to slap him)

Lex: Don't even try! Neal would be all over your @$$ for that one.

You bet your @$$.

Lex: Dollface!
Kitty: Oh, Lexy Baby!
Lex: Nyah, see?

Lex: Easy, Dollface!
Kitty: Oh, Lexy Baby!
Lex: Nyah, see? See?

I revised it because I suddenly realized that, counting the character names, I was on the verge of creating the first 40's Gangster Movie haiku ever. 5-7-5, see? Nyah.

Nyah has two syllables? And hey, can you count the names?

To quote the cleark in Fear and Loathing:

"I say, yes."

Lex: (kids voice) "Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself."

Kitty: "Prot???"
Lex: "No, I'm, Lex."
Kitty: "Shut up, Prot and go back to K-PAX."

KittY: Why did you just grab my hand and jump up and down like a joyous idiot?

Lex: Because you're not (censored)ing Starro! Hip hip hooray!

Lex: Stop. Hammer time.

Ring the bell, school's back in! Break it down!
< > < > < > < > < > < ...

Curses...I am...dancing.

Kitty: I've had it up to here with your egomaniacal world domination delusions of granduer Lexxy!

(lex moves her hand higher)
Lex: No, you have actually had it up to here Kitty my Darling.

Kitty: Luthor you Poisonous Snake!!

Lex: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a -
Steve: No.
JasonSpidey: Oh, come on! It's a line from one of the greatest books ever!
Steve: No dice.
JasonSpidey: They let Clark Gable say it, and that was back in the 30's! In a movie!
Steve: Sorry, I don't care. Those are the rules. Family friendly site.
JasonSpidey: (sigh) Fine.

Lex: Frankly, my dear -
(dubbed over Lex's lines)
I love you! Let's remarry!

Nods in approval.

Lex: Hmm. The henchmen seem to be diluting the already weakened importance of the elevated hand-slap.
Woman: Hey Lex - high five.
Lex: Well, it's about time!
(He swings, but she withdraws)
Woman: Psyche.
Lex: (grabbing her) No one psyches LEX LUTHOR.

Lex: I don't need a demonstration of how the Starros were stuck on their faces.

Suddenly, Clark Kent sits up, eyes wide. His coffe cup falls to the floor, shattering. The logo on the underside says LUTHOR CERAMICS. Kent knows. He leaps to his feet and runs across the newsroom, dashing out the door and into the street - but Lex is gone. Kent screams at the sky.

So, Neal spends a huge amount of his time in his Smallville reviews complaining about how, on the show, violence against men by women is usually let off as normal and acceptable, while violence against women by men is shameful and horrible. Now he goes and posts this picture. Hmmmmm. Methinks the good Bailey doth protest a bit too much.

Or perhaps Mr. Bailey be drawing attention for those of you paying attention. Besides, I didn't say it was right. But it CAN be funny.

Estrange Visitor
Lex: Is this the Nuclear Man`s hand that makes Superman a wuss?!?

Actually, technically, it didn't make Superman a wuss. He was just so disgusted with the total weakness of the villain put in front of him he dedided to watch a marathon of Sanford and Sons in retaliation. When it was over, he pwned the Nuclear Man. End of story.

Steven Hutton
Say what you like about Parker Posey this is a considerable step up from Margo Kidder. A CONSIDERABLE STEP!

Et-hem. Negative on both there, partner. Give me Lana from movie three, any day.

Estrange Visitor
Posey: My god! I dont believe it!
Spacey: What?
Posey: You look like Moby! I swear! Can i touch your head?
Spacey: Ms. Posey, mentioned that name again, or so help me, the only superman film that you`d be shooting with is the one with Tim Burton & Jon Peters vision! And i assure you its much worse than being directed by joel Schumacher!

See, Superman's like you and me. He comes from the streets, and he's a KILLER.

Parker: Was that a good enough audition Mr Singer? Did i get the part?
Bryan: Part?
Parker: You the movie
Bryan: What movie? Kevin Spacey just bet me he couldnt get you to dress up like his mom and rub his bald head

Kitty: Ha! Paper beats rock!
Lex: Know it doesn't....
[Grabs her arm and breaks it]

If this hadn't had that spelling error, it likely would have won. Awesome. Just for the bluntness.

Parker: Are you blue eyed Lex or green eyed Lex? Oh my god your Hazel! Someone get me Dan Didio, his editors have screwed up again!
Lex: Your not calling anyone my dear, President Lex and Society Lex cant know of my presence! Its the next big Infinite Crisis shock! I'm from Earth 28

Alexandreihof Luthormononif the fourteenth, who fights for good and evil simultaneously and somehow is having an affair with a female Blue Beetle. Oh, and on Earth 28, Kate Bosworth is attractive.

Lex: Talk to me like that again and i'll give your address to Doctor Light! Two words....Sue.....Dibny.
Parker: *Gulp*
Lex: Yeah.....i went there


Parker: I swear you have something in your eye, here let me grab it...
Lex: No freakin way. Morlun tried that joke on Spider-Man and....lets just say he took it a little too far....

You know, that story ain't over yet, but that last issue was SUCH a cop-out. Oy! Sorry. Completely unrelated, but that story is an example of BAD decompression with a yawn story, save one issue.

Lex: Kryptonite nail varnish....he'll never see it coming.
Parker: Doesnt kryptonite cause cancer?
Lex: Where would you ever get that idea my dear *hides gloved hand behind his back*

Lex: Don't move!
Lex: You've got a spider on your head.

Nothing to Lose.

Suntanned Superman
Lex: Into each generation, a bald meglomaniac bent on world wide conquest is born.
Kittysmileyh, great. The Whedon Army got to you too. I'll have to slap it out of you.
(grabbing her arm) Lex: Do so and they will hunt you down and spit on your grave. They are not ones to be trifled with.

And they bring things back from the!

Not only do I not have a joke this week, I find myself forced to use every running gag just to have a presence at all.

Here goes...



Parker: I TOLD you licking my glove would gain you nothing. I haven't even SEEN the Stinky Sock Award!

Lex: I'd hoped you'd milked the tractor, actually. Blasted tasty. But no, you hid the flavor and scent with Old Spice Red Zone.

Parker: Old Spice Red Zone?!

Lex: YES! And you made your getaway in a Ford Fusion... But you also made the mistake of enlisting Lana Lang into your scheme, raising the ire of Neal Bailey! He borrowed a Zord from CyberV, that blasted otaku geek he works with, and hunted you down, killing Lana, and inadvertainly burying every black person in Smallville under mountains of dust and dirt.

Parker: ...Does any of this caption actually make sense?

Lex: Don't MAKE me get Starro back in here...

Parker: ...I'll be good...

Kitty: You're not Lex...You're Luthiac!!
Lex: name is Kapax!


dude...I cant spell K-Pax..!


Lex: If you ever slap me on the head and tell me I look like a monkey ready to be shot into space, the rest of my henchmen will be chanting, "Her name was Kitty Kowalski" shortly thereafter!

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