Caption Contest

July 13, 2005: Caption Contest

Caption Competition

Clark: Jesus, Lex, what happened? Lex: I was...trying to...gas up tractor...guy with green hair, shades...came out...tought I was milking it...he put this thing on me and locked me down here...

Second place ties:

Paris Hilton - That's hot. He's hot. He's also hot. Masks are hot.

And Paris Hilton is a rich worthless ******. You are aware that Nicole Ritchie got a book deal before I did, aren't you? Ah, justice.

Clark and Lex re-enact Vader's death scene from Return of the Jedi

Lex: Can't go on... Too depressed... at the lack of captions last week.

Clark: Okay, you DEFINITELY need a more active social life.

Clark used a tranquilizer dart to stop Lex after Lex found out his secret and ran away yelling," I'm gonna tell, I'm gonna tell" in a taunting fashion. Then, like a spider, Clark encased Lex's head and tied him up until he decided to feed. MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Clark decided to pull a prank on Lex after he had drank too heavily and passed out. He squirted Lex's slacks with a water pistol, and then sprayed whipped cream into a helmet and put it over Lex's head. Then Clark ran behind a corner and giggled to himself.

Lex: I will kill you with my spear and magic helmet! Clark: Magic helmet?! Lex: Spear and Magic Helmet! Clark(smirking to audience): Magic Helmet. Lex: Yes, magic helmet, and I will give you a sample.

Cue Wagner

Clark grew weary of Lex's constant attempts to discover his secret and tried to scare him with a set of giant staple pullers. Clark: I'm warning you, Lex! Either call off your investigation, or I'm gonna pull off your head! Lex: Ok! OK! I'll stop! Then Clark snipped Lex's ears as a reminder.

Clark: (shocked) Lex! No - no -it can't be true!
Lex (breaking his restraints with superhuman ease) There are greater things happening here than you and me, Clark.

I had a sudden, violent flashback to the old draft of the Superman movie where Lex Luthor was a CIA agent Kryptonian (TRUE!)

Clark: It's gonna be okay, Lex.
Lex: Thank God! Now I can go out and continue my slow descent into evil that will finally be completed at the end of the show when I kill my father and thus become him, then spend the next ten years of my life accumulating more wealth and power until you come along again and defeat me time and time again in my quest, eventually resulting in my dosing myself with steroids and liquid kryptonite and donning a massive, oddly colored battlesuit provided for me by an alien tyrant and entering into a battle royale with you that results in my dissapearance and the world will think I'm dead but I'll still be alive, manipulating from behind the -
Clark: (putting Lex's mask back on him) You know, I'm just gonna save us both some time and leave you here.

Lex: Gee, thanks, Clark - this was the only place I could hide so Lana wouldn't keep asking me for favors.

Clark: Questioning remark? Lex: Humorous Fantastic Four reference! (And that's the way the contest goes this week.)

I didn't go to see it. I'm waiting for the video. Why?

Nurse: You're hot.

Johnny Storm: Thank you very much. You're hot as well.

I was so annoyed, I shot my cat and puked.

Clark: An iron mask! Just like in that guy Dumb*ss's novel. Lex: It's Dumas, Clark.

Clark: This mask will release tiny amounts of lead into your bloodstream so you can't use your powers, Alicia...oh, sorry, Lex. Sometimes that happens...I really miss her. Lex: It's okay, Clark. It's like a hole in the heart of the whole town.

Clark: Lex Lex wake up you were S&M sleepwalking again.
Lex: I have got to see a shrink. I some how just can't get over Krista Allen.
Clark: I know Lex, me either.
In unison: To the hottest costar, teacher and 1st wife ever. COME BACK KRISTA!

Clark: Here, Lex, put this on. It'll protect you from what comes next. Lex: What is it - a climactic battle between good and evil that will leave the world so devastated that any sane man would lose his mind at the sight of the destruction? Clark: No - it's a rerun of Spell. Lex: (shudders) Euuugh.

sneakymonkey on July 14 2005 - 10:11:35
Clark: Oh my God. The effects of wearing this mask are worse than I imagined! Lex: What? What is it? What's wrong? Clark: Lex, I'm sorryÖbut you've gone bald. Lex: You're a (censored)! Clark: I know.

Every time you kiss a woman, Lex, she tries to kill you. So now we're going to use the Chastity Helmet (tm).

LEX: (a whisper)
Clerk, help me take this mask off.

But you'll die.

Nothing can stop that now. Just for once... let me look on you with my
own eyes.

Lex: A mask? Why?

Clark: Because illusion is the ultimate weapon.

Lex: Fine. But I better get the ferrari that becomes a jet, pal.

Lex: Well, we all have a face
That we hide away forever
And we take them out and show ourselves
When everyone has gone
Some are satin some are steel
Some are silk and some are leather
They're the faces of the stranger
But we love to try them on-
Clark: (grabbing Lex's throat) Shut it, Billy, or it won't just be the good who die young.

My Downeaster ALEXa, more and more miles from shore every year...

Lex: Wait'll they get a load 'a me.

Clark: Lex, are you okay? Wow, you've got a lot of junk down here. Hey, is that a Tron arcade game? Sweet! Let's play! Lex: Shouldn't we be looking for my evil twin? Clark: Later. I get to be Jeff Bridges. You're Boxleitner. (And thus the rift began. Because nobodyÖnobody made Lex Luthor be Bruce Boxleitner in his own house.)

Clark: I was whining at the top of my lungs. You really couldn't hear me? Lex: Nope. Not a thing. Clark: Wow. These "Lana-proof helmets" are great!

Tom: "You know, Michael, with all of the subtle movie ripoffs that we do on this show you would think that eventually they would do one about Superman."
Michael: "Shut your trap prettyboy. They have finally gave me some material to work with on this episode."

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