Caption Contest

November 19, 2006: Caption Contest

Caption Competition

Jonathan: You think this is enough to scare me? Well, I won't back down! I will be senator of Naboo! I will serve in the Galactic Senate and work towards upholding democracy throughout the universe!

Clark: Dad, I think you've been hanging up there way too long. You're starting to hallucinate!

Jonathan: You shut your dirty mouth, Jar Jar Binks!

And the runner-ups:

Blinded by the light, but in that Daredevil kind of way:

"Clark? That friend Wayne of yours is not invited back for Thanksgiving!"

Jonathan: Pick him up, she says, we'll name him Clark, she says, he's only a baby, she says. I wish I was dead.

Not going anywhere for a while? Try a Snickers.

Red Hobbes
You see, this is what happens when Jonathan forgets the safe word with Martha.

Beef Bourgenion with Ketchup? ZOMG!

Announcer: Welcome once again to the Smallville Hazing Olympics! You'll see that Jonathan Kent has just been hazed using the old fan favorite, "The Yo-Yo", also known as "The Reverse ScareCrow", which has a difficulty rating of six.

Co-Commentator: They'll score high in the written portion of this competition, Chris. They've not only made a declaration of their demands, but included the threat of violence yet to come if these demands aren't met, which is always a nice touch. They could have simply written "Drop out now!" But by adding the "while you can", well that's much more unsettling. You'll also notice the strong presentation. Bright red paint with scary drips on the letters. That's a manuever almost as old as these games themselves, but if done correctly, can still have a strong psychological impact even after all these years.

Announcer: And it's done that way here, today, Steve. I'm reminded of a young Whitney Fordman. These men are consumate scare tacticians. However, points may be deducted for not gagging or blindfolding Mr. Kent.

Co-Commentator: I believe time may have been a factor there. Martha Kent was pulling into the driveway right as they were making their big finish, and I think their performance suffered as a result of it.

Announcer: Alright, let's go to the judges...

Jonathan: Any chance Mr. Miracle will make a guest appearance on the show? Like in the next five minutes?

And again with the squeaky shoes...

Jonathan: Whatever happened to good old fashioned Kansas values? In my day, if you wanted to intimidate someone you just kicked the @#$% out of them and called it a day.

Before they found Clark, Jonathan and Martha did just about everything the could think of to imporve their odds of concievi--

*Steve cocks a gun at JasonSpidey's head*

---uh, concieving of a way to get through the adoption process. Yeah. That's what I meant.

*Steve uncocks gun*


*Steve pistol-whips JasonSpidey*

Jonathan: Do what you want to me, Lionel, but I'll never give up my son!
Lionel: Oh, really?
(He presses a button on a boombox)
Boombox: (music): It's a piece of cake to bake a pretty cake, if the way is hazy...
Jonathan: NOOOOOOOO!!!!

(In Metropolis)
Chloe: Clark? What is it?
Clark: I...I hear the sound of ultimate suffering.

YTMND FIVE! *smack!*

last man of krypton
How to spice up your love life, demonstrated by the Kents.


last man of krypton
Gough & Millar recently discovered the Christian parallels found in Superman Returns. In an attempt not to be upstaged, they decided to have Jonathan Kent in the pose of St. Peter as he was crucified. Did it make sense? Nope, but not any less than most of the plot devices thrown into any given episode.

Alex, I'll take Franciscan mythology, for a thousand.

Boy, the Democrats made middle America go to pot a lot faster than I would've figured...

The democrats are the ones using torture to make people do what they want? Maybe I'm reading different papers...

Oh well, at least he doesn't have frickin' sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their frickin'...oh, wait, yes he does. I'm fricked.

It's not what you think...with all this blood rushing to my head, it's the only way the last few seasons of Smallville are watcheable.

Hmm...when I get out of here, I'll have to remember to vacuum this loft.

The cows finally rebelled against the harsh treatment of their overlord.

Who knew would-be politicians and their aides would be so skilled at bondage? Oh, wait...

In Gough & Millar's biggest retcon so far, they revealed that Jonathan Kent was destined to become... Mr. Miracle! With Sam Jones as Oberon.

Jonathan: You know what, Dr. Cox, I don't need your stupid painted sign or your man-cards to feel adequate about myself...although the handwriting is beautiful, did you take calligraphy?

I already made the friends forever collage. FOUR MORE DAYS! WOOT!

Clark: Dad, how'd you get up there?!?
Jonathan: It was a freak combination of bosons, anti-higgs, hypo-electrons, transverse particle rays, Fry-O-Later oils, Old Spice Red Zone, and Compassion by Calvin Klein.
Clark: Really?
Jonathan: No, you idiot, somebody tied me up!

You forgot Poland! No, wait. You didn't. HURRAH FOR BOSONS! More Boson! I got a fevah, and the only solution is more anti-higgs!

Unfortunately for the small children of Smallville, when they finally broke open the Jonathan Kent pinata, there was no candy inside, only moral strength and sage advice. And organs.

Easily second place.

Jonathan Kent's favorite word game?
Jonathan Kent's favorite television show?
Hanging with Mr. Cooper.
Jonathan Kent's favorite western?
Hang 'em High.
Jonathan Kent's favorite beach sport?
Hanging 10.
Jonathan Kent's favorite thing to do in a barn?
Fix the milking tractor.

What did you think I was going to say?

Neal Bailey sends a message everyone who plans to enter the caption contest.

Nah, that'd be a picture of someone with "I MILKED THE TRACTOR" in red letters. Red zone letters. Arrow'd, as well.

After seeing "Static" Neal makes a polite suggestion that this show has gone as far as it can go.

Johnathan: "... and pay with your life." Okay I get it.

You might call what you see in this picture cruel. Zod calls it tetherball.

Clark: Dad! Are you alright?

Jonathan: I've been holding my bladder for the last three hours, Clark. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is I do not go wee in my current position...

Lex: Kitty, what did my father always say to me?
Kitty: You're losing your hair.
(Lex shoots her a sour look)
Superman: Funny, mine always said "Let me down!"

Jonathan: I cannot possibly imagine a more painful use of this rope.

(From the distance)
Daniel Craig: Kiss my @rse...

Wicker chair five! *bloosh!*

Clark: Hold on a second, Dad, I'll get you down from there!

(Jimmy and Chloe come charging in.)

Jimmy: One side, CK! (Pushes Clark aside and slams a ham radio down on the work bench.) I'll get him down. (Lifts arms up to the heavens.) Through the mysterious and miraculous power of TRIANGULATION!!! BEHOLD!!!! (Leans over and starts twiddling with knobs.)

Clark: What the---

It got him down, too!

"Mmm! Barn floor pie!" trips snare "Waaaoh!" Shelby appears from nowhere, eats pie. "Awww..."

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