Caption Contest

January 19, 2005: Caption Contest

Caption Competition

Happy Holidays from the Bailey Family

The runner-ups:

Man, Cyberv owned me this week. I gotta say, that guy just had me wetting myself. Special commendation for that.

Lana: I don't believe it! Neal got the contest up in time! What do you mean he had special motivation? *BLAM!*

After two weeks of somewhat anemic jokes, Neal decided to give the participants what they wanted... more Lana death. The masses cheered it's arrival, and wept at the realization that, alas, it was but what could have been.

Producer: Tighter on the phone... Closer... Closer... There we go. Now all we need is for the sniper to use Red Zone Old Spice and we can finance the season finale.

neal bailey
Earthsea's astonishing DVD alternate ending.

Lana: Better call time and weather... Lana: SIGH. Nevermind. Someone's trying to kill me. It must be about fifteen 'till.

Lana: We need to pull the plug on this caption contest fast! I need a farmer, a bucket, and a tractor NOW!

The sniper misunderstood the meaning of the Smallville drinking game's contention that, when Lana is in danger, you should take one shot.

Lana: Yes? Lex? You have something to say? Whoop Whoop? What's that supposed to mean? *BLAM!* And at Lex's manor... Lex and Neal: WHOOP WHOOP!

Lana: Is that anything to say to me, after all you've put me through?! Caller: Lady, I don't even know you. Are you happy with your long distance carrier or not?

"Hello. You have reached the voice mail of Lana Lang. I am a former fairie princess and head cheerleader forging a bold new path and trying to discover the real me. So I'll get back to you when I feel like it." Lana: God, I love that voice.

But seriously, who picks the winner of these caption contests. I've seen funnier lines on episodes of "Charles in Charge"

ME, dag nabbit! And what's wrong with Charles in Charge?

Adam: In Brightest Day, In Blackest Night...No Pinky shall escape my sight...Let those who worship Lana's might...Beware the shotgun of Adam Knight

This was SO almost the winner. Second place, for sure.

As usual Kristin Kreuk phones in her performance for this weeks smallville.


In yet another attempt by Smallville producers to gain ratings (all the while ruining the Superman/DC continuity and timeline) they introduce a young Frank Castle to the rural farm community.

No longer able to control his Lana-induced rage, writer Neal Bailey finds his way to the Smallville set and fires on Kristin Kreuk. In a statement, all Mr. Bailey had to say was, "self-centered, eye-rolling, head-bobbing, pink-wearing, BAD-ACTING, @#!$ :CENSORED: The remainder of Mr. Bailey's comments were unfit for print.

"Hello, Clark? Thank God you're home... listen, there's some guy after me! I think he's got a gun! And for some reason, he keeps yelling 'AND AGAIN WITH THE SQUEAKY SHOES!!'"

Adam: (as Elmer Fudd) Be vewwy vewwy quiet. I'm hunting Lanas. Huhhuhhuhhuhhuh..

Lana: I don't think cyberv likes me very much, he has posted like 200 entries to the caption contest about me getting killed. On the phone: don't worry Lana he just really wants to win and he knows how much Neal hates you.

As my writing teacher always said, KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE. He always used to say that, at least, until I shot him on a balcony...

Little did Lana Lang know that Neal had thrown on the Superman costume he saved for special occaisons and super-speeded onto the set in order to gleefully watch her die from a window behind her. "Take the shot! TAKE THE SHOT!" he screamed, as Adam lined up the rifle on her back...

"Operator." Lana: Tank? I need an exit." "Not today, Lana." Lana: Neil? What have you done? BLAM!!!

Out of nowhere, the voice of Robert Muldoon is heard screaming, "SHOOT HER! SHOOT HER!"

Good reference.

Lana: So what if I am talking to you, Mister DeNiro?

Better reference.

As the phone rang and rang, it dawned on Lana that calling someone was not what Adam had in mind when he said, "Say hello to my leetle friend!"

Most apt reference.

Willem Dafoe(on phone): Godspeed, Lana Lang.

Comic reference.

I bow.

Kristen to her agent: Yeah, I'm on the Sesame Street set, but I don't see Elmo, Oscar, or Big Bird anywhere. Something doesn't feel right...I think I've been set up. *BLAM!*

Sniper as Neal Bailey: BOODILY!

A last, desperate attempt to boost ratings... works.

Lana: Hello, Am I the 23rd Caller?!!! Yes?!...OH MY GOD, I can't believe I'm going to see The Spice Girls reunion concert!! I Could just die!!...Adam: Sic Semper Tyrannis!!!

Honorable mention for the motto.

Lana: Clark is running off to marry Alicia. So I figure, if I have sex with Jason, I will win him back and Clark will be jealous, too. Chloe: Did you eat lead paint chips as a kid? Lana: No, why? Chloe: No reason.

This is included because, believe it or not, it was written three days before I even started my paint tirade above, and before I had read it. Interesting.

PERSON ON PHONE: You have reached police emergency, unfortunately all our operators are currently busy, please hold and an operator will recieve your call as soon as possible. ***Hold music begins playing*** Somebody save me, Let your warm hands break right through me, Somebody save me, I don't care how you do it, Just save me, save, Come on, I've been waiting for you. LANA: At least it's not elevator music.

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