Caption Contest

May 12, 2005: Caption Contest

Caption Contest

Wild Bill
Unable to bear just one more tired Old Spice Red Zone joke, Erica decided to take her own life. Ironically, as I finish typing this, I realize I have become that which I hate most. (...five minutes later, Wild Bill slowly floats past Erica...)

Bonus points for dying. It saves us money on shipping, pop and deoderant.

The runner-ups:

Lois: After seeing two weeks of nearly naked Supermen, I just needed to cool off for a bit.

This is what happens when Neal runs out of Lana in peril pictures.

[C-ROCK34 ARGUING WITHHIMSELF] C-Rock34: Neal should at least put some effort into judging the contest or he should let cyberv do it each week. C-Rock34: Hey, Neal doesn't have time to read through and judge all your lame Fingernail captions. C-Rock34: What could he possibly be doing that wouldn't allow him to give the caption contest the effort it deserves? C-Rock34: It takes a lot of time coming up with awful losing stories for the Dark Idol competition and forcing his caption junkies to vote for him. C-Rock34: BURN!!!

This is what happens when you let Gollum write a caption. Stinky Sock award for insulting the master.

THE MASTER RISES TO COMMENT OUT OF TURN ON HIS OFF WEEK! First off, I'm master of no man, heck, I can't even keep a handle on myself. STEVE is the master. Now that that's cleared up, I'll just state, for the record, I don't want anyone to just vote for me because they like the caption contest. If you do it, do it because you like the stories. Though I will kindly take this opportunity to note that my stories so far have not been losing stories (yet, thank monkeys), even if I may, in fact, be a loser. THAT is still up to you. ;) Back to Aaron! Sorry. I just get tired of being accused of telling people to vote arbitrarily. Vote with discernment! And hey, you'd be surprised how long we take to judge you guys. I promise, they're all read. We pony up the time and funny, now you gotta pony up, well, just the funny, not the insults. Or we poke fun at you mercilessly! HAH!

While facing certain death, Lois thinks back on her life and thinks "I wish I hadn't appeared in Andromeda"

What else floats in water? A duck! So if Lois weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood and therefore...a witch! (Oh wait, that's Lana...)

Lois thinking: Who is judging this weeks caption contest? If its Neal, then I'll need some obscure reference to a book that only he, and the puplisher have actually read. If its Cyberv's turn, I should make a crack about the power rangers then hit myself over the head with a sock filled with rancid yogurt. Or, I could just go with the tried and tested Old Spice Red Zone.

That's not entrirely accurate. You could also reference the Fantastic Four. Not that the entire movie coming up isn't already a cruel joke...

And don't forget flattery!

Lois: Hmmm... What should I scream to get assistance in this kind of situation? I KNOW! HELP! NINJA TURTLES! Donatello: We already rescued a hottie from a sewer. Nice try though. Lois: SHOOT! Err... Hmmm... HELP! DARKMAN! Darkman: I can rip my face off! ...I like your face. Very smooth. Lois: Pass. SPIDER-MAN! Spidey: Wrong universe. I'm not crossing over again until Access gets his own title, or there's another JLA/Avengers miniseries. Lois: &*^%!!! Toxic Avenger: I could save you. Lois: I'd rather drown. Toxic Avenger: WHAAAAAA!!!! (he runs off crying, sloshing into the darkness.) Donatello: You could always call for your friend Clark to come and get you. Lois: Please. That guy? I SO don't want to make a habit of it. I'd never hear the end of it. Whelp, guess I'm drowning. (she drowns) Deadman: Hey. We're both dead. Wanna go for a drink? Lois: ...HELP! CLARK!

I know. Nutty long. Sorry about the drain on your bandwidth people. Wait... Drain? In a sewer? HA! Puns rule.

(singing) Sewage keep falling on my head. And just like poor Tom, whose role is too big for his skills, nothing seems to fit. That sewage keep falling on my head. So I just did me some talkin' to G&M, and I said I didn't like the way they got things done, sleepin' on the job. That sewage is fallin' on my head, they keep fallin'. But there's one thing I know - the muties that come to kill me won't defeat me. It won't be long till cancellation steps up to greet me. Sewage keeps fallin' on my head. But that doesn't mean my body will soon be turnin' green, mutation's not for me. 'Cause I'm never gonna stop bad plots by complainin'. Because I'm free. Nothin's worryin' me...

Captain Backfir3

Lois lays unconscience in the water as an unidentified man with a mohawk runs off shouting, "we don't need you and Chloe, now where should I hide Lana?"

Shame on you, neal! You bring Lois and Chloe back from the dead right now, mister. Lana, you can keep.

Erica: *snif. snif.* "Phew. It smells like old tractor milk in here"

Sneakymonkey: Hey, Lois! It's gonna be hard to get a job at the Daily Planet without that college degree! Lois: Shut up! Can't you see I'm drowning here? I don't have time for your stupid logic.

What CyberV will do to me if I'm not funny. Or ask for a T-shirt.

We are gathered here today, to honor the memory of Sneakymonkey, a chipper young fellow with an unfortunate tendancy to obsess over t-shirts and yogurt socks. While he was a constant source of joy, he was tragically struck down this week by a fat man driving a flying red car and screaming "SHIFT INTO TURBO! SHIFT INTO TURBO!". For further reflection, we turn to his dear friend, Baby Plucky. Plucky?

Baby Plucky: Sneakymonkey go down the hooooole.

Silent. Still. Drowning in the waste of a Smallville sewer. And still Lois proves to have more character and appeal than Lana.

"And finally the sentence was carried out today underground to the convict who made jokes referencing inappropriate uses for a tractor on The Superman Homepage. In other news, Chloe Sullivan is under arrest for accessing a N.A.S.A. satelite to find her car keys to her 2005 VW Bug she shouldn't be able to afford in the first place."

How Sneakymonkey lays around thinking of puns. Which explains why they stink.

And that's it for this week. And this week's picture should prove to you that I've only just begun toying with you. Until next time, I remain...

Aaron (CyberV) Thall

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