Caption Contest

February 26, 2006: Caption Contest

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All new Smallville trading cards, the "Written Off The Show Series"! Collect them all now! Or, if you prefer, set your money on fire, then flush it down the toilet!

And the runner-ups:

neal bailey





The innocent temptress, the humble country boy, the token black guy, the ex, the rich femme fatale, the psycho boyfrined, all this and more on the next:

Survivor: Smallville!

Pa Kent: So, I've been dead, what... a month? And already I've joined the ranks of "gone and completely forgotten". Wonderful. Thanks Neal. I mean, jeez, why don't you just shack up with my wife while you're at it... WHAT DO YOU MEAN, BEEN THERE DONE THAT?!!

Don't hate the playa. Hate the formulaic by the numbers dramatic plot turn, wherein the man who wanteth to sleepeth so goeth.

Occasionally, one gets the feeling that Neal puts certain pictures up simply because he knows he can get in a good dozen jokes about it before anyone else and then nominate himself as winner.

This may just be one of those times...

Nay. I have never declared myself the winner. Not once! Check me. And I rarely put my own comments in any more....that's why Aaron came in. Impartiality.

Their absence is like a hole in the heart of the entire town.


Okay, I'm done giving a damn. Can we move on now?

One of these people is not like the others... One of these people just doesn't belong...


Jason: He means you're still alive, moron!

Pete: ...HAW HAW! (moons Jason, bolts)

Pete: My name is Pete Ross... And... And I used to be on Smallville... (sobs)

Everyone: Hi, Pete.

Jason: God I hate these group therapy sessions. (glances at Chloe) DIE ALREADY! We need more hot chicks!

And what was that I was saying about impartiality? Curse you, Aaron, for being funny right after I said that!

Suntanned Superman
Pete: I see dead people.

The Old Bum
Joke all you want, but if Bendis wrote Smallville they'd be dead after season 1.

Yeah, but the dialogue would be so much more real.

The Old Bum
Maybe they all moved to Bludhaven. (Too soon?)

The Old Bum
Chuck Cunningham is mustering his armies.

Now THAT is good and obscure. Love it.

Halfway through episode 100->

Jonathan: Whew! Lana's dead. I KNEW IT! Well, at least now I know I'm safe...

Jason: Hi Jon!

Jonathan: Hi Jason.

Alicia: Hi Jon.

Jonathan: Hi Alicia...

Whitney: Hi Jon.

Jonathan: Hi Whit- wait a minute....

Alicia: Guilty
Jonathan: Guilty.
Pete: Guilty
Whitney: Guilty
Genavive: Guilty
Jason: Guilty.
Jor-El: Lana Lang we here by sentence you to imprisonment in the Phantom Zone.

Jonathan of Earth-2?

Neal: Guys? Guys? Can you squeeze my headshot in there? Please...?

Ha! Only Danielle Steele wants to be treated like a prima donna in the book biz. Not I.

Alicia:I dead because Clark liked me more than Lana

Whitney:I'm gone because of Lana

Jason:I'm dead as well because of Lana started hated me

Genavive:Im dead because LANA killed me

Jonathon:I'm dead because clark chose Lana to live

Pete:I'm dead because of..............(gets silent)

(everyone looks at him)

Pete:well.......I got of the show because of.....hmmm...Lana?

(everyone agrees)


neal bailey





Alicia: Our deaths are like a hole in the heart of this town.

Jonathan: Except for Mrs. Teague, whose death was just a hole in the heart.

Pete: Ha!

Mrs. Teague: Why you---

Jason: He's got you there, Mom. Lana pwned you pretty good with that stone.

Mrs. Teague: You should talk. I seem to recall you getting smashed into Baco Bits by the last chunk of Krypton. And talk about being forgotten, did they ever even make mention of pulling you, or parts of you, out of the wreckage of the house? What's the deal with that?

Jason: Oh, that's easy. At the very last second before the meteor hit, I was magically transported to another show, one where I drive around with my brother in a muscle car, listening to Molly Hatchet and fighting the supernatural, like pagan scarecrow gods, and evil airplane demons!

Mrs. Teague: Ugh. Good for you, I guess.

All: C'mon down and join us, Neal! You'll like it! We all float down here!

Neal: Nooooo!

Alicia: Whasamatta, Neal? Don't you want a balloon?

I was just thinking about "It" last night. I read it when I was 10, which, you know, freaked me out. I started reading too much, too early. Time for more television! An It miniseries! Good reference.

Everyone, I thought of something so stupid that it makes me laugh a million laughs when actually I laugh exactly once.

Girl: I'm dumb.
Mr. Kent: ...ha..Haha thats funny.
Pete: I wasn't amused at first but I guess it is a little funny.
Soldier: I don't find it funny. It makes me sick.
Seymour: Here, take this medicine, for I am Doctor Quinn..
Guy: Here, take my picture, for I was Eric in Days of Our Lives.

This one didn't make me laugh, I just thought the opening was poetic.

Whitney: You know, in retrospect, I maybe shouldn't have "scarecrowed" the guy who'd become the world's greatest hero...

Jonathan: Yeah. Karma can be a bich, can't it?

Clark: (seeing first picture) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
(takes a deep breath)
(seeing second picture): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
(takes a deep breath)
(seeing third picture): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
(takes a deep breath)
(seeing fourth picture): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?
(takes a deep breath)
(seeing fifth picture): N- did I ever even meet her?
(takes a deep breath)
(seeing sixth picture): YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!

Al Gough opens his mailbox to find a small envelope. He opens it, and out falls a card with the above picture on the cover. He opens it, and finds the following inscription:


F*** YOU.

The Above.

Smallville Threat Down #7: Lionel Luthor with a gun.
Smallville Threat Down #6: Lana's passive-agressive schitzophrenia.
Smallville Threat Down #5: Trying to impress your girlfriend by enrolling in the Marines.
Smallville Threat Down #4: Discovering Clark Kent's secret.
Smallville Threat Down #3: Being stuck in a universe where the powers-that-be cling unnecessarily to Superman: The Movie.
Smallville Threat Down #2: Being Clark Kent's girlfriend.
Smallville Threat Down #1: Bears.

Awesomeness. Has there ever been a bear on Smallville? No. But that's the real reason Pete left. They're covering it up.

Neal suddenly notices his picture is suspicioulsy close to being part of the image.

Neal: Oh, s**t.

Jonathan awakens to a bright light.

JONATHAN: Oh, come on! I wasn't supposed to die! It was supposed to be Lana!

ALICIA: We know, but we needed you. You're the only one who can talk this crazy guy down, Jonathan.

SUPERBOY-PRIME: (shouting) I'm going to be SUPERMAN!!!

BARRY ALLEN: God, shut up, kid!

Next week, Jonathan Kent don's the Anti-Monitor armor and becomes, Smallville style, LADY QUARK!

Has anyone esle noticed that Neal looks like Jonathan Frakes, the guy who played Will Riker (Number One) From "Star Trek: The Next Generation"?

And just like Riker, I get all the ladies with my magnificent future beard. At least until Troi turns me into a wussy pansy boy and makes me shave it off so I look like first season again. Pfft! Women.

Jonathan, refusing to accept his untimely death, makes his way across the plains of Heaven until he reaches the Greatest Wall - the barrier between the world of the living and the land of the dead. Through its mirrored surface, he sees his loved ones. Summoning all his will, he rears back and throws a mighty punch that resonates throughout the land, echoing across the Elysian Fields to the great cities of Heaven. The wall still stands.

Jonathan swings again, smashing his fist into the wall again with another titanic crash. He feels no pain, as there is no pain in Heaven, nor does his hand break, as no one gets hurt in the Beyond, either. But the wall stands firm. Again, and again, and again, Jonathan swings at the wall, the blows, driven through sheer force of willpower and love of his family, resonating across the land. People soon begin to gather around, to watch this Kansas farmer attempt the impossible. But he knows something they don't. Nothing is impossible. His own son is proof of that. And he'll be damned if he lets his son down.

Days go by, yet Jonathan continues to punch at the wall tirelessly. People come and go, the sun is exchanged for the moon time and again, yet Jonathan will not stop - not for anything.

Who knows how long it as been now? Jonathan doesn't. Days, weeks, months, they all seem the same - time is different in this place. But his will is absolute, his love pure - it would not matter what time wished to do. Eventually, Jonathan throws a punch, one like every one he's thrown so far - and feels a tinge of pain in his fist. Shocked, he stops, and looks down at his hand. A tiny trickle of blood rolls down a split knuckle. He glances back to the wall - where a tiny crack has opened.

Doubling his efforts, he attacks the crack with all his might, feeling his hands split and his blood run from his hands against its sharp edges as he tears into the wall. The crack grows wider and longer as he attacks it again and again. With every blow now, the pain grows sharper, but he doesn't care - his goal is within reach.

Finally, with a scream of emotion - he doesn't know which one - he pulls back his fist and throws one final punch.

The wall shatters, and Jonathan falls through.

On Earth, the sky tears open in a burst of golden light at the Kent farm. Clark and Martha cannot react; they cannot move fast enough to see the beauty of this hole to Heaven. But they see something else.

A husband. A father. On the ground before them. Alive once more.

They rush to his side, unable to understand. He tells them that it doesn't matter - all that matters is that they're together again.

And, because cosmic scales have to be balanced, Lana is hit by a train at the exact same moment.

Pete: (reading the above) We went through all that for a dead Lana joke?

It worked.

Lex: Kryptonite Poisoning takes a new victim every second....I'd click my fingers....but they kinda fell off

Scorpion King
(Strange Voice)
- I want to play a game...
- Greetings And Welcome!
- Right Now You're Watching A TVSerie About The Young Clark Kent
- Let The Game Begins
(Characters hold breath)
(Strange Voice Again)
- You Will See Clark Saving His Loved Ones And Others On The Way To Becoming Superman...
- But The Main Deadly Danger Is: To Know Clark Kent
- OH .... YES, THEY WILL BE BLOOD!!! smiley

So long as Lana has to jump into the needle pit.

Lana: Clark, I know you're hiding something from me. Why won't you just tell me your secret?
Clark: (holding up picture) Presenting Exhibits A, B, C, D, E, and F.

Jonathan: So, what do you guys do up here?
Pete: We mostly watch old SuperFriends episodes.
Alicia: But we always refer to Aquaman as Sea-Man.
Jonathan. Heh heh heh...Sea-Men.
(they look at him funny)
Jonathan: What? A 45-year old Kansas farmer can't watch South Park?

Ackles: What the &^%$ is this, Bailey? You lazy SOB! You couldn't even whip up a decently funny image, so you just pieced a bunch of MIA character mug shots together? What is that? Get your @$$ over here, so I can give you a proper beat-down!
Neal: Bring it on, Ackles! I'll take you and your little bich-boy Padaleki too! No one can withstand the wrath of my Kevin Smith beard!
(Jensen tackles Neal, knocking him to the ground. Neal unleashes a furious bevy of blows to the pretty-boy's face.)
Ackles: Ahh! Not the nose! That's the WB money!
Neal: That's what I thought, Pretty Boy! Try ;living in a unheated house in Washington for a while, having to shoot people as they come inside! Yeah, you don't see that much on the WB, do you?
(Unknown to Neal, Jared Padaleki leaps into the ring behind Neal and drop-kicks him in the rear, sending Neal flying to the mat. Padaleki pins him to the ground, while Ackles decks him across the face.)
Neal: Schneider's got my back!
(He reaches out and tags John Schneider, who leaps into the ring and pwns the two little pretty boys, old-school style.)
Neal: (standing, victorious) That's old school, baby!
Neal and Schneider: YEEEEHAWWWW!
(They jump into a nearby 1967 Dodge Charger and leap it over the ring.)

Mxy: (waking up) Nertz, that was a weird dream.

That'd be my winner if I could put that long a caption on the front page...heh. Great!

Cyberv: What are you gonna put up this week?

Neal: I don't really have the time. I'm writing Jersey Girl 2, dammit? Here's Smallville magazine. They should pay me for reading it. Scan any page and call it good.

Cyberv: But that's a whole cache of dead or gone characters.

Neal: And?!

That's funny, because Neal is the exact opposite of that...

So was Kevin Smith, once. Sigh.

Booster Gold brings a confused Blue Beetle into the Batcave only to find batman busy checking his fortune with Smallville Tarot cards.
BoosterG: Yikes, that's not such a great hand, is it?
Batman: grunt

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