Superman: Earth One Vol. 3
The follow-up to the NEW YORK TIMES #1 bestselling graphic novels SUPERMAN: EARTH ONE VOL. 1 and 2 is here! Written by J. Michael Straczynski with art by Ardian Syaf, SUPERMAN: EARTH ONE VOL. 3 follows a young Clark Kent as he continues his journey toward becoming the World's Greatest Super Hero.
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How many questions can Lex answer with three fingers?
1) How many women he's slept with that have tried to kill him.
2) The last season Smallville had decent ratings.
3) How many times Lana will make self-pitying comments in any given conversation.
4) Lex's prediction as to how many episodes into Season 5 it takes before we see the first lousy meteor freak. (He might be overly optimistic.)
5) His estimation of Smallville Clark's IQ. (Again, he might be overly optimistic.)
Second place ties:
Clark: I'm a little bit couuuuuntry!
Lex: I'm going to kill you.
Now, the angel on your shoulder... I get. The devil on your shoulder, I understand that too, but what exactly does a bald guy on your shoulder, flipping the bird mean? Maybe Tom needs to visit Six Flags?
Lex: You milked the tractor. Now you shall pay with your life!
Clark: LET THE JOKE DIE ALREADY!
It's actually funnier when there is no tractor, or any threat to life.
Lex: Are you talkin' to me? Are...You...Talkin' to me? I don't see anyone else here, so you must be talkin' to me!
Someone has been researching my favorite movie. Or maybe someone knows this is one of the favorite movies of any males under the age of 80.
Lex: How many fingers am I holding up?
Clark: Let's see. Telescopic vision, x-ray vision, heat vision, microscopic vision, photon-blasts-courtesy-of-Jeph-Loeb vision.
GREAT SHORT PANTS OF ROBIN!!! NO BACKWARDS VISION!!!!
You win this round Luthor, but just you wait 'til I borrow a Bat-Mirror
This trap involves an overly elaborate death. Let's just assume it all went to plan.
Unfortunately, there's no possible way I could think of a caption for this picture that won't result in me being banned. See you next week.
Try replacing all of the naughty parts with poopie. I mean, it may not be as well conveyed a point, but it will definitely be funny.
Lex: "Say Clark, would you like a chocolate flavored pretzel?"
Neil Bailey works late everynight to come up with the perfect picture for The Superman Homepage caption contest. There is a very complex formula that goes into it. It's not something to be taken lightly... most weeks.
Neil Bailey: "Oh hell with it." (Opens TV Guide) "This one will do."
Why do you say this to me when you know I shall only kill you for it? ZOOOOD! It's NeAl. With an A. Corneilius, the infix from which Neil is derived, represetns a book-learned scholar. Nenealeus, the name from which mine is derived, means great physical champion. I can live with the indignity of being opposite in my nomial symbolism, if you can learn the A! A! A! A! I keed.
Clark, with his back to Lex, doesn't notice that Lex has learned the Kryptonian equivalent of the middle finger.
Clark: I don't think that webbing is going to come out Lex!
Michael: . . . I'm gonna give you to the count of three - one ... two ...
Tom: . . . . . .
Michael: thr . . . .
Tom: Red Z O N E ! ! ! !
Michael: Was it that hard to do a product endorsement???
"Remember, Clark - no matter where you go, there I are."
Lex's most daring scheme - to taint Clark's ink and shirt with green kryptonite in yet another wacky plan to make vegetables grow fast, or recover lost memories, or give ugly women better looking faces. After four years, do we even care?
As agreed, Cyberv, twenty dollars for the win. But the two runners up? That puts it at sixty clams! Man, I better start being funny, or I'm gonna go broke fast.
I can officially be bought for any Charles Bukowski book I do not yet own.
Lex: Choose a finger, Clark! But choose wisely.
If I regarded chicken with the same standard of "Freshness" that the WB reserves for its own shows, I would have died of salmonella a long time ago.
You mock the TV network of generation Y (according to 60 Minutes)? They will like, SO inarticulately attack you anonymously on a message board!
Clark Kent divided: Lex Luthor on one shoulder, tempting Clark to use his abilities to accumulate wealth and power at the expense of his ideals. Neil Bailey on the other shoulder, constantly regaling Clark with jokes about monkeys flinging poo and urging him to ditch Lana. What's a fledgling superhero to do?
Not sure, but I know what he WILL do involves something completely noble that Lana will blame him for either way.
Director: Thanks for helping us set up the lighting, guys! Now scram! (Kristen Kruek and Erica Durance replace them in tiny halter topsÖ)
Lex: Clark, give me back my whiskey glass
Clark: No, you have a problem
Lex: But this picture sucks without me holding it, I look like Neal Bailey trying to recite a poem...
Clark: No, you look like your about to milk that tractor over there.
I suppose my poetry would be better if I wore a halter top?
Lex: Don't worry, Clark. I've got your back. (Then under his breath): Yeah, and there's an elephant gun loaded with kryptonite slugs aimed right at itÖ Clark: Lex. I have super hearing. Lex: Aw man! And I totally knew that, too! Ya got me! Ever have one of those days where you'd forget your own head if it wasn't attached? I feel so silly! Clark: (Silence.) Lex: Aw, aw come on! Don't evenÖsigh. Here it comes. (Clark blasts him with heat vision.)
Michael: Tom, whats up with the unshavin dirty look?
Tom: I'm trying to look like my hero Neal Bailey.
I shave! Once every two weeks or so.
The sell-out effect. From the makers of TAG body spray.
Lex in a Freddy Krueger voice: I've been shot, stabbed, electrocuted, ripped in half by two school buses, and thrown into great white-infested waters. If that can't stop me, you can't stop me!
Clark: Ah, but I've one weapon left that you don't know about.
Lex: Oh, really? What's that?!
Clark superfarts and Lex disintegrates.
Lex: So if every part of you is invincible, why does your haircut always change and how the heck do you shave?
Clark: Heat vision.
Lex: That only works if your heat vision is really laser eyes. In this continuity, there just heat waves.
Clark: Uh, Al? Miles?
Al & Miles: Purple Kryptonite! It makes your hair grow inwards!
Clark: Why are we posing like this so people can make fun of us for a guy with Joker hair?
Lex: I have no idea.
Watch it! I'll put your superhero daughter in a wheelchair!
Lex: Take my hand, and swear eternal loyalty to Luther.
*The crack of bones is heard as Clark crushes Lex's hand, lifts him up, and throws him into a wall*
Clark: It's Luthor. Dumba$$!
Clark: Neal said if the captions were naughty, the offenders would be taken to Room 101. What the heck is that?
Lex: Remember that room at Luthorcorp where I took Mxy at the end of Jinx? That's Room 101.
Clark: You mean if you get sent there, you'll never be heard from or mentioned again, and just remain a loose plot end season after season?
Clark: But just look at us in this picture! It's entrapment!
Lex: Yeah, that Bailey's a man after my own heart.
Room 101 is a reference to 1984...good book. But hey, they decided never to touch the Mxy room again, so I read, so maybe...sigh.
Lex: Clark, pull my fingers.
Clark: Pull your fingers?!
Lex: Yeah, I don't think one finger is gonna do it. This one's gonna be a barn burner. The servants are gonna think there's an elephant loose in the mansion! (Laughs maniacally.)
Clark: Lex, I'm not going to do that. That's just wrong. And gross. (Starts walking away.)
Lex: Clark? Where are you going? Clark! Don't turn your back on me! Come back here! You're going to regret this, Clark! We could've ruled the world, you and I! Instead, you just made an enemy for life! CLARK!
Lex: Pull my finger.
(Lex's eyes glow green)
Lex: There'll be a reckoning...a crisis.
Clark: What the heck are you talking about.
Lex: I have absolutely no idea.