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Superman: The Unauthorized Biography
Glen Weldon (Author)
A celebration of Superman's life and history - in time for his 75th birthday. How has the Big Blue Boy Scout stayed so popular for so long? How has he changed with the times, and what essential aspects of him have remained constant? This fascinating biography examines Superman as a cultural phenomenon through 75 years of action-packed adventures, from his early years as a social activist in circus tights to his growth into the internationally renowned demigod he is today.
Hardcover: 352 pages
Reed: I have to say, Superman! This newest incarnation of you has left you really (ahem) defined. Maybe too defined. Human Torch: Reed, maybe we should get him a robe. Or some slacks. I feel a little uncomfortable.
Second place ties:
Superman: You have milked the tractor. Now you pay with your lives.
Reed: IT WAS AN INNOCENT EXPERIMENT!
Sue: Ben, look! Frank made a Superman voodoo doll!
Ben: Really? Give him to me. I'm gonna show him something at my "workout station".
Johnny: Yo, Superman! What happened?
Superman: Well, lets say this: The rain was awful hot and yellow...
And apparently, the WB execs do the same thing to action figures of Two-Face, Mr. Freeze, Supergirl, Constantine, and Catwoman on a regular basis. Then make movies. Shame, really. I think they might have accidentally grabbed an Elektra figure at some point.
Finally, a great chance to use that great Superman and the Invisible Man joke and I'm on a kid-friendly website. What bad luck.
I have no idea what that joke is, but it's good enough to be second place.
Superman: Mine is the power cosmic.
Torch: Oh yeah? Mine is the power flammable!
Reed: And mine is the power stretchable!
Superman: You guys are mocking me.
Superman: I'm a herald, now. I have to talk like this.
Reed: You still have choices, Superman. You don't have to rat out planets to Galactus, and you don't have to talk like Yoda.
Torch: Ahaha! Try this one, Superman! "Around the survivors a perimeter create!"
Torch: If Superman's the second most powerful being in existance, who's the first?
Reed: Hey Goku!! How'd u get here??
Superman: ...shut up.
No no... If he was Goku, we'd have to wait four episodes for a response that would take two seconds. It's in the DBZ rulebook.
Reed, unfortunately, leapt to the assumption that the new Cosmic Superman ($29.95 at Toys 'R Us) was the most powerful being in the universe far too quickly, as deep within the heart of the sun, a rancid yogurt-filled sock began to glow with unearthly power as it harnessed the star's energy as its own...
Ironically, JasonSpidey also won this week's stinky sock award for his caption involving pleats.
Having Superman as Galactus's right-hand man and all-powerful henchman was bad. Having to listen to Tina Turner's cover of her own James Bond song called "GoldenGuy" was worse.