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(Tom Welling waits patiently on the WB lot...)
(Script drops out of the pipe into his hands.)
And the runner-ups:
Great Scott. A toilet seat on the cieling? This looks like a job for .... Clana
And Clark's journey to save Princess Peach Begins.
Next week on smallville.... a mysterious piece of machinery called "the tractor milker" attacks smallville
Clark: Did you just hear that?
*is sucked up and his yells are muffled"
Chloe: don't worrry clark! I'll get a frag grenade from my trunk!
Frag grenades are ALWAYS funny. At least, until you catch one playing Shadowrun.
Clark: So this is where the all the goldfish go...
Unless you eat them.
Insert Your Own Star Trek Transporter Joke Here.
Giant tentacle-eyed monster: I spy dinner!
Clark: I spy another cruddy contest.
Oh yeah? See this fist? Hit it! (Spiralling noise and a BONNNNG!)
Clark: I'M NOT LICKING IT!
CyberV: Oh come on!
Clark: IT LOOKS LIKE A TOILET SEAT!
A like like (From Zelda series) is about to eat Clark Kent!
If those stupid $*#%ers take my shield ONE MORE TIME...
Comic Book Collector Geek: "WORST...SHOT...EVER!"
Read between the lines, it's a toilet...in mid air! Read: Awesome on wheels!
6 words: You Can't Do That On Television
Two shuddering words in response: Alanis Morisette.
Clark Kent winds up on Earth-F, where toliets did their business on people!!!
So close to a winner.
Bob the Merchant: And here we have the "SuckCut" As you can see it, it sucks as it cuts!
Wayne Campbell: Well, it certainly does suck, Bob.
Me love Wayne's World.
Bruce's first attempt at creating Brother Eye was....let's say, not as ambitious as the final version.
The dirty toilet seat demanded equal billing with Welling.
And GOT IT, thanks to Lana!
Smallville did not make the cut to the CW, so Nickelodeon decide to pick up the show, and because of expenses, the had to cover Tom Welling the green slime.
They closed Nickolodeon studios. :(
In the upcoming episode "Ductwork", Clark faces off against a meteor freak who has the ablility to control metal piping. But never mind that bull----, are Clark and Lana ever going to get busy again, or what? Woot woot!
Woot woot is for happy. Woop woop is for loony. Hand in your 1337 pass!
"oh my god, I think am in upside down world or I need acuvue brand contacts" (turn to camera and winks)
In a misguided attempt by the producers to make Clark look more like a college guy, the Fortress of Solitude is redesigned mid-season to look like a frat house basement, and Clark starts calling every one "Bro".
Millar and Gough briefly toyed with ripping off Futurama's idea of pneumatic people tubes as a way for folks to travel around Smallville, but then decided that cribbing from a show that got cancelled for trying to be good and smart was not a formula for success.
Chloe: Clark, what are you doing?
Chloe: For what?
Clark: Well, I said something else Lana didn't like, so she shimmied up that vent to pout...
Chloe: Well, she's got the hips for vent pouting. As in none at all!
(High five each other.)
Hmm. Neal says he looks like Brian O' Halloran, but I have to say with that hair and beard, he's got a thin Kevin Smith going these days. (I mean that in a good way, not in a "Lunchbox" way.)
Loud and clear, my man. Actually, it's strangely true. With goatee, I'm spot on for Halloran. Now I'm getting Kevin Smith stuff. I kinda like it. I'd prefer to be Smith, though I love Brian's acting. I'm a writer, less an actor. Unless it's improv.
All of the Super Mario Bros. references of this contest turned out to be detrimental to Clark's development into Superman, because for years after, Clark believed he could only fly if he caught a feather. And still worried why he didn't turn into a raccoon man.
This episode of Smallville was brought to you by the letter "F". This review of that episode was brought to you by Neal Bailey, and also the letter "F".
But...there is no f in way!
Clark: And then as I left heaven I heard god say "Psyche!" and then I got this toilet seat as a halo. What a jerk.
Clark: Oh no! It's happening again! I'm stuck in this strange alternate dimension where hundreds of people stare at me and make comments... and... GASP! The green-haired man is gone! And he has been replaced with... an angry burly-man! Eek!
I wasn't angry when they took that picture. Grizzled just always reads as angry. Which is as it should be. I could snap a kitten in two across my forehead at any time. Beware!
Machine: Insert Brain here.
Clark: (Walks Under)
Machine: Access Denied
Clark: Woah, Neal's new look... It's, like, totally freaking me out, man.
My beard has cats in it.
And then out of some heavenly tent,
came down Clark Kent
and delivered a kick that can shatter bones
into the crotch of Indiana Jones...
In the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny, I kicked Eric Bauman in the teeth, killing him, and shot Lana Lang before House pwned me. Clark wept. Then House killed him. With his cane. Twice. No one messes with House.
Clark: Now I just need to turn the switch from "suck" to "blow" and the show will rock again. Come on Schwartz....come on Schwartz!
Clark: Don't they have to take off one of my nipples before I can be sucked into the sandcrawler?
Todd gives you an R2D2 five.
Clark: Oh no, NOW we're in trouble! Neal's been replaced by Kevin Smith!
Daredevil: RUN! Before he gets you, too!
Smith pwned Daredevil's acrobatic walking stick. And dead dudes. While chewing gum.
Burns: What are you doing in my corpse hatch?
Clark: Mr. Burns, im going to have you arrested.
Burns: Did i say corpse hatch? I meant "innocence tube"
Clark: "Look! Neal doesn't hyave green hair any more!"
But Lo, I have a few cans of blue in wait. Rest assured, it will come to pass.
And Clark must stand by and watch, helplessly, as the sudden influx of Superman Returns merchandise articles sends the caption contest hurtling towards the archives.
Clark: I can't believe we got bumped for the kid in the blow up muscle suit...
Ha! I'm just training you to write faster. It worked for me!