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"I'm sorry, Ms. Lang. We have to move you to another hospital. We just can't keep up your daily food requirement of live kittens, virgin blood, and the hearts of decent men."
And the runner-ups:
Yeah, see, when you fell off that cliff, then continued to throw yourself in front of oncoming cars, shouting "I'm an adult! An ADUUUULT!", we had to call CPS. Sorry.
Lana: Secrets! Lies!
Doc: Pregnant? You? This is madness!
Lana: No! (The baby pops out). THIS...IS....CTHULHU!
Doc: Lana, E! Online reports that a fan favorite is going to die at the end of this season...so you should be fine.
In a last-ditch attempt to save his unborn sister from a terrible fate, Franklin Richards hides the fetal Valeria in the womb of Lana Lang in a branch of the multi-verse where any attempt by Doctor Doom or Galactus to reach her would result in their being sucked into the endless depths of that Earth's terrifying plot holes.
Doctor: I'm afraid you're pregnant with Lex's baby, Ms. Lang.
(Suddenly, a faint pop is heard as several universes away, Neal Bailey's head explodes.)
Doc: Good news! We successfully removed the horns and pointed tail. We're pretty confident you could pass off as a human if you didn't talk.
Lana: Nuts to that!!! *Eats Doctor's souls*
Lana: Who is that over there?
Man: That's Lieutenant Hurwitz. Severe shell shock. Thinks he's Ethel Merman.
Voice: Youuuuu'llll beee swell! You'll be great! Gonna have the whole world on a plate...
Doctor: "Lana, it's about your baby..."
Lana: "What is it doctor?"
Doctor: "Well, it's--"
Abruptly, Arnold Schwarzenegger as John Matrix runs in, guns a-blazing
Matrix: "Dere's a bamb!" *Throws a grenade out the window, and three orderlies are blown into the air, as Matrix whirls around to pump 2000 uzi rounds into the doctor (without reloading), and runs into the night wielding saw blades and mines*
Al Gough: "Bet the audience never saw THAT one coming!"
Lana: Doctor, why did I lose my baby?
Doctor: Well, let's see. You fell down a flight of stairs. You fell off a roof. You've had multiple injuries over the years that could have resulted in scar tissue in your uterus. Not to mention the fact that years of wearing a kryptonite neclace, and a stint of taking "I see dead people" juice, has made your blood more than slightly TOXIC!
Lana: So what's your point?
Doctor: Never mind...
Doctor: Everything's going fine. You've got a healthy little anti-christ on the way.
Lana: Enough with the devil baby jokes! It's getting kind of old. What exactly is it that makes you think my baby's evil?
Doctor: Well for starters, your amniotic fluid samples contain high levels of sulphur, whenever we perform a sonogram the monitor screen bleeds, and then there's this. (Puts Lana's legs in stirrups. Theme from "The Omen" begins to play. Takes her legs out of the stirrups, and the music stops. Puts her legs back in the stirrups and the music plays again. Takes her legs out, music stops. Puts her legs back in the stirrups---)
Lana: Alright, I get it! He's evil! Jeez!!!
Lana: How does it look doctor?
Doctor: Very good, considering your unfortunate situation. Fetal growth is progressing as expected. Superfluous eyes and mouths, tail-limb and tentacles all seem fine.
Doctor: Oh- wait. Crap! Wrong file.
*Puts down file marked 'Lavinia Whateley' and picks up Lana's file*
Doctor: Fhtagn! You were better off with the last one.
"I'm Doctor Kevorkian and I'll be your primary care physician..."
Intern: What's the story with this patient?
Attending: A this is a really sad case, Miss Lang has a bizzare form of megalomania combined with schizophernia and the world's most poorly written persecution complex ever. She was hit on the head six years ago and she imagines that this superhero keeps rescuing her from all these mutants losers.
Intern: that's a pretty elborate psychosis
Attending: It's more elaborate than it sounds, early on she played a major role in every "epsiode" of her "show" but now she is in such deep self-hatred that role on the show has diminished....
Intern: So, lobotomy?
Attending: You are my favorite intern.
Doctor: "Good news and bad news, Ms. Kreuk. The good news is that it is not viral gastroenteritis or food poisoning."
Kristen: "What is the bad news?"
Doctor: "Your acting finally made you sick like it does everyone else."
Doctor: Now let this be a learning experience. When Dr. Richards asks for your help in launching the Hulk into space, just say no.
Lana: Quiet, peasant.