Superman Unchained 2015 Wall Calendar
12 full-color images. Includes 4 extra planning grids for September through December of 2014, plus full pages for January through December of 2015.
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After being tossed out by Steve back when the joke started, the milking tractor finally came in for a landing. Sadly, all it brought back with it from orbit was a t-shirt that said "I'm with Stupid" in Klingon. It was promptly chucked back into space, thus saving us from more Pocket Heroes.
Just as Lana was about to discover Clark's secret, the vacation abruptly ended when she was mysteriously whisked to a cornfield, dressed as Perry White and flattened by a tractor. The secret lives...
Lana: "Horse Genie, I wish for an interesting 'tractor story' on the front page of the Daily Planet." Horse Genie: "IT IS DONE!!!"
Perry White (putting away his empty flask, slurring): Holy Cow! Two tractors just fell from the sky!
Lana finally gets her My Little Pony...but at what cost?
Lana realizes that, yes, even a ceramic horse can upstage her.
Clark: (to Perry) Dodge this.
Perry learns the consequences of questioning the Isobel storyline.
While Lana realizes her acting is no better than a prop, Perry gets a good lesson in how not to be seen.
Lana: Oh God, I'm wearing Asian clothing! This threatens to wipe out all four years of the show's emphatic denial of my clearly Asian heritage!
A Canadian playing a small town Kansas girl possesed by a French witch with no French accent, who, when casting spells, speaks Latin with a heavy Italian accent, dressed like she's Chinese. Now that's acting.
While Lana deals with the genie in the lamp to keep her on the show for more episodes, she discovers, every wish has its price.
Lana: Waitasec - Perry's on a trading card, but I'm not?
Perry's attempt to infiltrate the Kent Farm using the old "Trojan Tractor" trick fails, as Perry forgets to actually get inside the fake tractor. Moments later it is catapulted back at him. "Run away! Run away!"
The Old Bum
You know, the thing hanging off the tractor could almost pass for a cow's udder. Say...
As Lana regains her witch powers, she is now able to physically abuse Clark as well as verbally, drawing out a bad subplot and further taking away from the mythos. Signs of the End Times begin to appear, as it rains farm equipment throughout Smallville.
Lana looks horrified as her new baby Shetland pony "makes" in her hand.
Lana (shocked): I can't believe this horse is not made in china!!!
"Oh Magic-8 Horse, am I the fairest of them all? 'Outlook is grim?' " Meanwhile, Perry Dies.
Sneakymonkey: Hmm, first Neal makes a point of us "watching the tractor jokes," then gives a second picture of a tractor falling out of the sky. (He backs away from his PC slowly.) This is some kind of trap...
Too late! I have you in my tractor beam now! Doomed! You're all doomed!
Perry: (puts up comically tiny umbrella) mother. (WHAM!)
Lana Haiku: Lana scares dragon; Dragon shoots Lana with fire; Neal Bailey Happy
Perry: Holy Crap! A flying tractor! Tractor: Holy Crap! Is that the dude from Spinal Tap?
Lana: Horse, How are we supposed to have a relationship based on trust if you cant be honest with me? Horse: For the love of god, just smash me already!
Lana became enraged after the miniature horse advised her to "break a leg", bringing back the glorious memory of her being "stall stomped" by Wilbur in "Shattered"...
Lana: So YOU'RE the one responsible for all the horrible scripts! Horse: That's right, and I would of gotten away with it if it weren't for you snooping kids! Wayne: Great Scooby Doo ending! Garth: Now let's do the "Perry gets crushed by a tractor" ending! Didly-doo didly-doo didly-doo!
Unbeknowst to Lana, the Chinese horse had great magical powers. By saying the words Frau Bluker, the horse would whinny and cause tractors to fall from the sky on one's enemies.
After Izabell smashed Perry White with a tractor, Marth Kent flew into a fit of rage, killed Izabell and proclaimed herself as the real Lana, avenged for her husbands death. Pete jumped for joy, having always loved older women, and helps her forget Perry's sudden demise.
First picture: Lana looked shocked when the horse told her: You're supossed to be a French witch who died in the middle ages. Do you really think you should be jumping around like a ninja in a kimono with Japanese katanas and sai blades, in China, no less? Look I don't blame you so much as the thick-headed producers who take us for idiots. The purple fireballs, I was generously willling to believe but, martial arts? ---this calls for a reckoning.
Since nobody else has done it yet: Kristen Kreuk struggled through the dialogue filming of the latest Smallville episode, as she found herself a little horse. Sneakymonkey (tapping microphone): Hey c'mon. Is this thing on? What the heck. A little horse? (Trap door starts to open beneath Sneaky.) "Hello? Is the audience in need of resuscitation? Hell---waugghh!" (Trap door opens all the way, then quickly shuts.) Audience applauds.
You milked the horse, now perry must die.
Disembodied Voice: Hello Perry White. I send you greetings from Planet Houston.
Lana watches from the top of the cliff as Wile E. Coyote's plans for her, predictably, go horribly awry.
Through the juxtaposition of two seemingly random Smallville images, Neal Bailey has stumbled upon irrefutable evidence that there, in fact, is no God.
That's the "I don't know why it's funny, it just IS" entry of the week.
With Clark and Lana in China, no one was home to milk the tractor. In desperation, the tractor flew around to find someone to milk him. Tractor: Please milk me. Perry: No, go away! Neal forbids it!
Perry: (Singing) Tractors keep falling on my head, and just like magic spring will soon be here and . . . SPLAT!
And God said, "Thou Shalt Not Milk The Tractor of Knowledge." And Perry said, "Why not??" and God threw it at him.
Perry: Any time, Lord, anytime. Just show me a sign, Lord, that I shouild quit. (Tractor crashes.) Any sign. Just let me know. I'm, ready to listen, oh Lord...