Thank Zod It’s Friday! – January 11, 2019 Edition

Houstonians, behold, I grace you with a new year. It is I, General Zod.

You are correct in your typically misplaced human assumptions, I have decided to give you more advice in this new year. You are welcome.

And now, relationship advice.

Sven-El

General Zod,

What are your thoughts on Lord Darkseid ruler of Apokolips?

Zod defies him. Zod challenge him to come and kneel before Zod. His Omega Beams pale in comparison to my eye lasers. I look better in boots. He lacks my superior v-neck. He looks like his mother was an asteroid and his father was Zuul. New God? No. Zod.

Zod!

Have you ever met him? Would you like to?

We met, once, in passing, at a party that Ursa was holding to celebrate Bizarro’s unbirthday. Or is it is birthday? Zod can never remember. He was telling a joke to Captain Boomerang, and Captain Boomerang was rolling his eyes and trying to find a way to diplomatically leave to speak to Cheetah. Zod walked over and refreshed his punch, and Darkseid scowled at General Zod. General Zod them scowled back.

“Good talk,” Zod then said, and resumed his passionberry vodka concoction.

Do you think he would be an ally to your will or would he try to Omega Beam you? Would he succeed? After all, if the Batman could dodge an Omega Beam, then they should be no match for you, Zod.

It matters not what Darkseid would do, what he would try. All that is certain is that he would not succeed. Zod would administer a prompt smacking with first the flat of his hand, then the back of his hand, and after Darkseid realized he had soiled himself, Zod might grace him with a good chortle, if he were lucky.

As for this Batty-Man and his ability to dodge Omega Beams, Zod finds this highly unlikely. As Zod recalls, the Omega Beams once hit him so hard his clothes were out of style. Literally. What Zod means is, didn’t he get thrown out of time before his style of clothes could exist?

Or perhaps not. Zod found Final Crisis confusing, arbitrarily thinking itself deep, and he did not necessarily know what was going on from one page to another, let alone each issue. Zod finds Grant Morrison more than slightly overrated.

Come to me, Grant Morrison! I defy you! Come and write before Zod!

Though, Zod must concede, Animal Man was cool.

On the subject of the Batman, what are your thoughts on him? Does he exist? Is he just a myth? If he exists is he as much of a problem to you, as the son of Jor-El?

Oh, the Batty-Man exists. He may be the world’s greatest detective, but he has fallen victim to the wit and witticism of General Zod.

For example, not three years ago, General Zod was, for reasons of his own which shall be revealed in time, lifting a curved television screen from a big box store in Gotham. It turned out to be not worth the hype, and a waste of Zod’s time. Zod shouldn’t have gotten it in 3D.

Regardless, the Batty-Man showed up and began flapping, or whatever it is he does, and pulled out a ring of pure Kryptonite when he recognized Zod. Unfortunately for him, he made the mistake of doing this from fifteen feet away, and Zod can move at the speed of time.

Note that this is not the speed of sound, but the speed of time.

So Zod had plenty of time to move back five feet, incinerate the ring with a precision eye laser, and then come back, and it was to this fool as if Zod had never moved. Zod them moved forward, let Batty-Man try and punch him, and when Batty-Man’s fingers shattered on Zod’s face, Zod smirked, said, “Good plan, Bruce!” and blew him like he blew the people the son of our jailer cares so much about right out the front of the Best Buy, where presumably, he continues rolling to this day.

Point Zod.

General Zod,

In your last bulletin you had talked about Santa Claus, but have you ever heard of creature known as Krampus? From what I understand he is an evil version of Santa. What are your thoughts on this creature?

Zod has heard of Krampus, and admires his work. Zod does not consider the Krampus a threat, as the Krampus’ ends and Zod’s do not coincide. He is concerned with human behavior, and Zod is not, for his will supersedes theirs. All the same, Zod does relate to being a fearsome force who moves in snowy climates, as Zod did in strategic combat with the son of our jailer.

Also there will be a Superman coming out next year from La-La Land records. Do you have any thoughts on what it might be?

Zod has read about this “surprise,” as reported on this site previously. Zod presumed it will be some kind of record album compilation of some kind, perhaps a set of all four movies. All Zod really cares about is if they will finally release the documentary film’s actual soundtrack in full.

You see, as I have previously indicated, those movies were simple documentaries that Zod allowed to be produced as a fiction to serve his own ends. It is, to date, his best job as an actor.

What few people know are the behind-the-scenes truth of the production, how long it took, and what Zod had to do to make it execute to his designs.

Take, for example, the song Can You Read My Mind? Did you know that this was actually, originally, a song about Zod? It was to be Zod’s Theme, but Zod decided to remain more mysterious to add to his allure with women.

The original lyrics, as written by Zod, however, are tragically absent from the general public’s collective knowledge. I debut them here, for your enlightenment:

Eye lasers for your face
Do you know what it does to flesh?
It leaves good heavy scars
Behold your leader from another star

Here I am, hairy-chested and cool
I take the son of our jailer to school

You all look at me, quivering
Like little children, shivering
I can see right through you

Eye lasers for your face
Can you picture the things it can destroy?
Helicopters, gas tanks
Every wonderful thing you can think of.

You and all, belong to Zod
You and all, bow down, fools

If you need a ruler
I’m the one who flies, too
If you need to be killed
Here I am
Kneel before Zod!

As always General, thank you for your time in reading my comments and questions. I look forward to reading your thoughts on this in the new year. I hope that you have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year General.

Sincerely,

Spidey2878

You may live for another week, Spidery-Man.

Until then, unless you wish to be eye lasered, write asking me your questions of romance, business, or politics, or be destroyed.

-Zod