Thank Zod It’s Friday! – February 15, 2019 Edition

Houston, rejoice!

It is once more Valen-Tine Day, where you may place your gestures of fealty at my feet as your one and only ruler, Zod.

It calls for some special poetry:

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

The son of our jailer for pay for his treachery

Kneel before Zod.

And now, relationship advice:

General Zod,

If you could change anything in Man of Steel, Batman v Superman, and Justice League, what would it be and why?

There are many things which Zod would change about all of these things. But off the top of Zod’shead:

Man of Steel would be retitled to Son of Our Jailer Commits Moral Atrocity. I would add a laugh track, particularly where the so-called hero does the impossible and purports to snap the neck of a man called Zod who is not Zod.

While Zod loves anything that brings the son of our jailer into disrepute, moving him to such petty insignificant villainy for such slight reason strikes Zod as wrongheaded and, perhaps, more villainous than just simply lobbing a manhole cover into someone’s stomach.

For if one is to assassinate a character, why make it so that they simply choose to let their father die, or snap a neck when a neck clearly doesn’t need to be snapped to solve a problem, and instead simply have them throw a cat down a well?

Batman v. Son of Our Jailer Man served to double up this problem, turning the son of our jailer into a villain without rationale, instead of turning him into a villain and pretending he’s not. And then an improbable fight culminates in peace at the sharing of the name of their mother.

The joke is on the plot, for Zod’s mother’s name is also Mar–Tha. She became Mar-Zod when she married Zod’s father, Charles Zod.

Justice League is two movies in one, neither one particularly compelling, and has the strangest bit of moustache work Zod has ever seen. Zod was told by many people that it was the first time in the new movies that the son of our jailer smiled, but when that smile looks like someone with a cleft palate that got punched in the face with the aforementioned manhole cover, it becomes clear that the villain is not Steppenwolf, nor even Zack Sny-Dur (though he deserves discredit), but rather some malignant tumor called Uncanny Valley.

Zod realizes there is very little he wouldn’t change about all three of the movies. Even Wonder Woman has the unfortunate flaw of a jarring guitar solo at her every appearance that makes Zod go into a fugue state and awaken surrounded by bodies. And that’s the most positive thing he can say about any of those movies.

He tried.

Do you have any suggestions for the Supergirl show?

Son of our Jailer girl is actually such an idealistic piece that though Zod swears to find and destroy everone related to the putrid Jor-El, he gets a few millimeters of smile coming to his lips, because there is a nefarious, infectious optimism to the show.

Make no mistake, Zod resents being made to feel warm and will destroy all involved for the sentiment. But for what it is, Zod understands why others might like it, and would not change it as such, merely destroy it utterly for being relentlessly positive.

Did you see the animated death of Superman movie and the animated reign of the Supermen movie? If so what did you think of these films?

Zod did not. Zod saw the first death of son of our jailer man and was satisfied he understood the concept. But Zod greatly approves of anything that involves the death of the son of Jor-El.

Thank you for your time General.
Sincerely,
The Superman fan who was formerly known as Spidey2878 but now goes by the name Superman2878.

You are welcome, S…

Sup….

Supeeeeeee…

Son of our Jailerman2878.

Until next week, do not defy me, or die as you deserve to. Write letters for your relationship advice, or perish.

ZOD!

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