Thank Zod It’s Friday! – December 21, 2018 Edition

Weak fleshy sacks of body, General Zod is here to mop the floor of your brains, literally and figuratively.

As another year of my dominance comes to an end, Zod will kick back and take two weeks off. But first, he will conquer a few questions before lapsing into incoherence.

Kal-Ed writes:

General Zod.

Should you face the Anti Monitor or Brainiac, do you…or will you align yourself with them for the sake of the universe or multiverse? Or does Zod serves his own end for Kryptonian preservation?

It depends on their goals.

If the Anti-Monitor and Brainiac get together to save the entire universe only to grant it exclusively to Zod, Zod will ally with them before destroying them.

If the Anti-Monitor and Brainiac get together to save the entire universe but not to grant it exclusively to Zod, Zod would simply destroy all threats and take over the world.

If the Anti-Monitor and Brainiac get together to save the entire universe and care not whether it goes exclusively to Zod, Zod would likely destroy both on general principle then fly around to see what all the hullabaloo was about.

Zod’s sole goal is not Kryptonian preservation, it should be noted. He enjoys that about Brainiac, and Zod is happy to see Krypton survive, but he is no racial purist, as depicted in other mediums. Zod is a conqueror. Zod wishes to control Kryptonian lineage only insofar as it gives Zod power over it. The most compelling reason to keep Krypton alive is to have a worthy challenge to my power on occasion, but in reality, the reason Zod chose to leave was that there was no challenge there for him any more.

So many would-be leaders mistake race baiting and planetism or nationalism as a viable path to power. Time and again it has been proven that those who fight against injustice will rise up and destroy the people who use most varying totalitarian tactics.

There are only two paths to true power. The ability to physically destroy anyone who stands in your way, and chest hair that is so thick, so luscious, and so beautifully picturesque that the world bows before you or dies, as they deserve to. Zod is the only being in existence with both of these things, so all others are doomed to fail. Take solace in this while worrying over your Trump, that he will inevitably be gone, only to have me destroy you and rule over you forever.

All other things, such as Zod’s idle manipulation of the world through the Fasc-Ism, are merely rich people like myself toying with the lower class for idle amusement, and it grants Zod about the same amount of daily joy as wrapping a string around a Pomeranian and using it as a yo-yo. It gets old quickly, and the dog dies. Every time.

Also…does Zod celebrate Christmas and what does Ursa and Non think about peace and goodwill toward men and women during this time of year.

Every day is a celebration of Zod, holiday or no. However, Non and Ursa are notorious for their embrace of the Houston holidays. Non has a collection of nativity scenes that he has made from painted crisped snakes held together with Gorilla Glue, and Ursa fosters this habit and encourages it, going so far as to put some of her more festive accursed patches all over a plastic tree. Bah. Humbug.

“Oh, this is the Nasa patch from the late seventies! Don’t you remember that Christmas, darling?” she will say, and Zod will merely grunt and go back to the History Channel.

Pathetic.

There is one bit of Christ-Mass lore that Zod particularly detests. San-Ta. Ursa acknowledges openly, however, that Zod will not receive a visit from this San-Ta Claws, because Zod would destroy the creature in spite of his magic and put him in an early grave.

Do you hear that San-Ta? I defy you! Come! Come and kneel before Zod!

Zod!

At any rate, this would be well and good, but Ursa has also indicated that part of the legend is that if Zod is cruel to Non and Ursa, there is an off chance that Captain Fart will come down the chimney and disrupt Zod’s painted Zod miniatures, despite the fact that Zod has been painting them in a reinforced steel bunker for a year to avoid such a calamity, after the first coming of Captain Fart. So Zod allows it, not out of weakness, but to study Captain Fart.

And will Aquaman leave a good impression upon you?

Zod thinks so little of Aquaman in comparison to other heroes. However, to avoid the Christ-Mass boredom that invariably follows the time between when Non gets his Lego Star Wars sets and the days of clicking and guttural noises that follow until the massive sets are done, Zod plans to relieve the boredom by going to see the film to laugh at this lesser hero.

In short, ask again in two weeks.

Thank you for your time most venerable General.

It is the most I could do.

Spider2878 writes:

General Zod,

Now that the Crossover has come to pass, what were your thoughts on it?

Zod saw a good bit of fan service. Fan service is a double-edged sword. For example, there are many great Zod stories out there Zod has read. Many are comedy, which Zod understands. Some are writing Zod in their own fashion. There was a lot of this in the Small-Ville years. And some, the greatest, are when people acknowledge all of Zod’s greatest conquests, and those are called Slash Zod. I clicked on them at first expecting to see me slashing enemies and got… well, pretty much a daily picture of my regular everyday promiscuity. It is a little known but well documented fact that Zod’s conquests are many, beautiful, willing, and repetitive, and…

Excuse me.

All right. I’m back. I had to ask Ursa what was so funny, and she said she heard a joke about Captain Fart. She then called me Loth-Ario, and I have no idea who that is, but I have completely lost my train of thought. Curses. I shall kill this Loth-Ario later. Regardless:

Also during the week, actress Amy Adams had said that she believes that her time as Lois Lane is over. However actor Jason Momoa has said that actor Henry Cavill is still in the role of Superman. With no official news from WB on whether or not Cavill will continue playing the role, I don’t know who has the more accurate news. What are your thoughts on this General?

This is all part of Zod’s elaborate plan to diminish Kal-El as a brand in the eyes of general audiences by making everything confusing, and information bottom-up instead of top-down. Soon, the final pieces will fall into place, when backwater, lesser-known heroes like Shazam, Aquaman, and the Suicide Squad are the priorities instead of the son of our jailer.

The more he is diminished, the more chance the real Kal-El will come out of hiding to attempt to rebuild his tarnished reputation, and it is then that I, General Zod, will finally destroy my hated foe once and for all.

Also, Zod has trouble understanding that Amy Adams was ever Lois at all. She is a gorgeous example of both Houston humanity and an actress in every right, but for the love of Rao, her hair is red. It doesn’t take a genius. Even the son of our jailer knows that Lois has dark hair.

Casting Pete Ross or Jimmy Olsen as a black guy is fine with Zod. Zod likes order and balance, and representation gives a sense of balance for Zod to rule over. It’s not lopsided. But if one were to say, make a movie with Kal-El played by a typical white guy, and then just randomly leave his hair stark blonde, that would make as much sense.

For the insipid mortals who like that kind of thing, Lois is a beloved character with an eighty-year-old pedigree to her look. That’s not a thing you change lightly. The visuals of her character are important. This isn’t a black Heimdall kind of thing. Black Heimdall was cool. But a Thor with black hair? A blond Spider-Man? A blonde Mary Jane? Why not have Non shave, or give Ursa a beard?

Actually, that would be funny. Zod approves of this one irrational change. You hear that Ursa?

She said she heard it.

Zod!

Zod is not against change, save in my total rule over everything. Zod might even be okay in wearing an even deeper diving V-neck shirt in a hypothetical future film. Or slightly lower boots. But there are some things that are fundamental to a look or design.

Can, for example, Clark Kent be Clark Kent without glasses? Yes. But why would you? What’s the point?

ARRRRG. Zod has now ranted. This is just like the time he replied to a Facebook post about top-down cooking posts being as ridiculous as they clearly are and lost his two oldest friends.

Lastly do you plan on seeing the movie Aquaman?

Yes. And Zod will have thoughts. In two weeks.

As always, thank you for your time in reading my questions.

Zod welcomes you. TO KNEEL!

Now, as the year ends, many people say ridiculous things like “See you next year!”

Zod doesn’t do that. Zod will instead simply say he looks forward to another year of conquest. And slash.

Zod!

Send Zod an email: