Thank Zod It’s Friday! – February 22, 2019 Edition

Houstonlings. Zod here.

Zod has a joke.

Q: What do you get when you force one of Jim Lee’s drawings to smile?

A: 

BWA HA HA HA HA.

Now laugh, as you deserve to.

On to relationship advice:

Sven-El writes:

General Zod,

In the Lego Movie 2, they rechristened the Son of your Jailer as “Silly-Man”. Would you think this an appropriate name for him?

Zod approves, so long as by the end of the movie, he is Silly-Kneeling-Dead-Man.

In this same movie, they also revealed that you can make guac. Is this true? Can you make guac? If so, how, and what kind of chips do you like with your guac?

Now this… this Zod did not think would get out. But it has, and been, apparently, enshrined in myth by this Leg-Go. And given that it seems this was offered in praise, and not mockery, Zod has no problem with sharing the key to the most perfect guacamole that ever was, derived from an ancient Kryptonian family recipe.

First, you take one lemon for every single avocado. On Krypton it was Dovanardos, but this is largely irrelevant. The ratio on this is essential.

Zod typically throws in the seed with the avocado, because Zod can, of course, chew through and it adds a pleasant crunch, but you humans may wish to discard the seed.

Squeeze the entire lemon into the guac as well. One to one. This ratio, and no other.

After, add enough salt to power the internet’s salt for one day. So much salt. Add salt until it makes your lips pucker. Salt that noise.

If you’re concerned about your heart, clearly you are not Kryptonian. If so, life is short, Zod will kill you soon anyway, put in the accursed salt. It’s worth it.

Mash as though your life depended on it. For it may. If Zod comes to your domicile to destroy you, having this guac at hand may spare your life in the form of a small head start.

Now that you have this simple, but perfect guac, you will need the correct chip. Zod likes a little bit of lime with his lemon flavor, so he eats Tostitos Hint of Lime Tortilla chips. They are the superior chip. Zod has not been paid for this endorsement, but if they do not send him free chips, Zod will be upset.

You wouldn’t like Zod when he’s upset about tortillas.

Now if you have friends, and Zod does not, but if you do, Zod recommends buying about four bags of varying Doritos in addition to Hint of Lime and telling your friends to switch between chips to change the flavor each time. This is a guaranteed win if your so-called friends are not pathetically against Doritos simply because of the fact that if you ignite them with your eye lasers, they burn for twenty minutes.

Again, you only live once, and Zod will kill you soon, so stuff your face. Die, as you deserve to. In a guac coma.

This is the superior and only path to guac.

S…. Sssssssoooooouuuuuuuu… CURSES, ZOD WILL SIMPLY CUT AND PASTE.

“Superman2878 writes:”

General Zod,

What are your views on superheroes sharing the same cinematic universe? Is it a good idea or are solo superhero films a better option for superhero films?

Zod is of the mind that neither option is inherently superior.

Solo, origin, grouped universe, separate universe, it matters little so long as the writing is strong, the production committed to a vision that compliments the character, and the conflict is something that reflects the growth need of the main character.

Example, in the Donner film, Zod starts the film a man in need of a world to dominate, and by the end, for those who see the true meaning of the film, he rules the world.

For the rubes who believe that it is the film of the son of our jailer, said fool starts the film an outsider, incredibly lonely for a stronger human connection and identity, to the point of being willing to give up his secret identity. To get what he wants, he must not only literally defeat a physical embodiment of the alien nature he wishes to leave behind, he must risk failure to save the world to have the thing he wants.

In the end, because of what a viewer might call his tenaciousness and inherent goodness (gullibility, Zod says), he gets everything he wants by dint of a slight bit of deus ex Jor-El and a cunning plan. He even, as a subplot, overcomes the worst part of humanity (the Luth-Or) to show the best of humanity, another facet of the theme, and in turn is granted a duality of spirit, his human identity, and his restored extra-terrestrial powers. He grows.

More stupid. Hah! What a dummy. Anyway, something silly like that, Zod doesn’t know. Fart joke, fart joke.

The DC villain the Joker is getting a film made about him. What are your thoughts on this?

Zod thinks the Joker has become a farcical joke used by edgelords to pretend anarchy is a viable form of government and justify being a random dick. It’s a dumb point of identity, and juvenile. That’s hard to come back from.

As a character, this is an exceedingly hard protagonist to crack, but it can be done. The Dark Knight gave the Joker as character one of the best shots it could have, but it’s still a hard sell without a heavy dose of style over substance, which does not a good story make. It is not aging well, though at the time, Zod enjoyed it. Making that character after that film into a compelling protagonist is nigh impossible. But stranger things have happened.

Zod, however, thinks highly of the man playing the Joker, generally, for his total commitment, not unlike Zod, to what he does. So there’s a chance it could be decent. But given the rest of its surrounding universe films, Zod is not holding his breath.

Zod doesn’t have to hold his breath, he’s just fine even in space, but you get what Zod is saying.

Do you think that you should get your own solo origin as well? If you did, what would it be about?

Zod is conflicted about this, because it might expose his surreptitious control of the world. Zod also thinks it serves his mystique better to play the foil to the son of our jailer as opposed to a protagonist. A Zod movie would simply be Zod winning all the time, and that’s boring. If just.

Zod has a pitch, but DC and its subsidiaries do not accept unsolicited work. Zod has tried. The only reason he doesn’t eye laser their offices for this insolence is because it is not worth Zod’s time. Also, Zod living Zod’s life is far more compelling than paying people to put it on a screen. These Fire Grapes are not sour.

There are rumors of a Man of Steel sequel going around. Some say yes it’s going to happen. Others say no it’s not. What do you think about these rumors?

Zod thinks the odds are roughly the same as a fart’s chance of survival in a triple hurricane.

Do you think that Cavill will play the role of Superman again, or do you think that Cavill’s time in the role is over?

Zod would bet cash money on the barrel that we will never see Cavill in a full film as the son of our jailer again. Cameos, maybe.

Zod’s logic is that the film division of Warner Brothers has been in an incoherent and rudderless spin with regards to the DC properties since The Dark Knight Returns in its desperate commitment to money over what should be the first commandment: telling a good story. Further, it has chased the tails of the broadly more successful Marvel films by attempting to copy their magic instead of forming their own.

There is little to suggest this philosophy could change in the near future, and why would it? They can put someone in a bat-suit and make enough money to justify the whole endeavor plus a few dumb flops, and the larger amount of money they would make by constructing a larger universe requires foresight to achieve.

The hallmark of every DC film so far, with the lone exception of Wonder Woman, is lack of foresight. And Wonder Woman is very clearly outside of a larger universe, as it must be, given that her unbridled optimism and bright outlook are in no way reflected in any of the other films, save slight lip service to the concept in Justice League.

More to the point, even if the executives and creators involved can’t read the writing on the wall, an actor who is risking typecasting themselves forever needs a compelling reason to continue playing a character. In these movies, character is lacking, overall plot is lacking, broader universe is lacking, and the vision is inconsistent, which is a polite way to put what one could casually say as “They’re mostly crap.”

If Cavill is out of contract, even a dump truck of money is not enough to make another movie in this universe a good move. He’ll know that. Affleck also knows it, and he has even less to gain by staying, his career is well established. Thus he left.

This begs the question of what will happen next.

Zod will tell you his notion.

In four to five years there will be a new Batman movie in a new universe. DC will continue to make piecemeal movies for isolated fanbases and pretend they’re part of a larger universe with cameos, but they won’t be. Wonder Woman 2. Wonder Woman 3. Aquaman 2. Maybe even a Flash film (unlikely). Shazam. Green Lantern is an outside bet. 1 in 5 shot.

They will talk and speculate and tease about son of our jailer films and not make them, because deep down, they don’t think he’s cool or will resonate. Zod must admit that he thinks this as well, but from an outside perspective, that could be incorrect lunacy. As in from the perspective of say, a comic fan.

Batman will reach his second movie around 2027, and at that point, comics may perhaps be no longer printed by the big two given the dwindling fan base. Comics will still be around, but DC and Marvel, driven more by the bottom line, may not be bothering to print their IP protecting comics, seeing the end of their copyright coming.

Unless something drastic has been done to modify copyright, the heroes will be nearing the end of their seemingly endless copyright monopoly. There may be a few more isolated films, and maybe a few desperate rushes to define a final IP, but the rest of the world will begin having access to early Batman and early son of our jailer films to make on their own, and their visions will inevitably branch out. Warner Brothers will own the son of our jailer films of the time, but the new films will give endless, sometimes blasphemous, sometimes awesome options.

After that, if you live that long, we may enter a golden age of individual and awesome films set with DC characters, and Golden Age Justice League films, but Zod would put less than a dime on the idea of a shared DC universe in the style it is at present going forward. Zod is fairly sure the Marvel shared universe has also rounded the bend, though the films are fine and will be celebrated. Sometimes a tale is simply told out. And that’s fine.

This is a long way of saying no, no more son of our jailer films in the near future, if Zod’s prognostications and understanding of story and producers is accurate. Your kilometers may vary.

And now, a poem:

Jingle Bells

Batman smells

Zod just smelled a fart

Captain Fart, you will be destroyed

Death, lady death,

Your love is like a spring flower

Behold, the end of all life

Zod!

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    Superman2878
    February 22, 2019 9:47 pm

    General Zod, What are your thoughts on Superman Returns, the never made Superman flyby film, and the never made Superman Lives film? And what are your thoughts on the documentary film The Death of Superman Lives, What Happened? What are your thoughts on Kurt Allan’s Superman, George Reeves’s Superman, Christopher Reeve’s Superman, Brandon Routh’s Superman, Tom Welling’s Clark Kent/ Blur/ Superman, Dean Cain’s Superman, Tyler Hoechlin’s Superman, Henry Cavill’s Superman,John Newton’s Superboy, and Gerard Christopher’s Superboy? Do you have a favorite interpretation of the Superman character? Who do you think played the part the best and why? Was it a… Read more »

    Superman2878
    February 23, 2019 12:46 am
    Reply to  Superman2878

    General Zod,

    I almost forgot to ask, what are your thoughts on Nicolas Cage possibly playing Superman back when they were trying to make the movie superman lives?
    Thanks again General.

    Sincerely,
    Superman2878