Thank Zod It’s Friday! – March 1, 2019 Edition

Let me tell you something about power, mortals.

Though Zod is of course the most powerful being in the world, power does not come with some strings. One can be strong, smart, and capable, and the world will conspire to take from you some strands of basic dignity. No matter how powerful one is, one cannot stop the march of stupidity.

Captain Fart destroyed Zod’s Kryptonian motorcycle today.

One minute Zod was in his Zod-Cave watching a home renovation show, arguing with Ursa about the state of the yard, and the next minute, after Ursa left, Zod heard a loud boom, and found the hovercomponents embedded in the dirt in the yard.

It is not that Zod cannot rebuild his hovercycle. He did in an instant, at superspeed. It is not that insipid twerps such as Captain Fart lie in wait to bring Zod trouble. It is the fact that Zod cannot have a day, even one day, without the creeping possibility that Captain Fart will bring torpor upon his person.

And so I sit, composing idle poetry, with no one to challenge me:

The internet makes merry
Over hermaphrodite frogs
It’s all about the laughs
Never about the poetry
I shall burn the world with my eyes
Burn the entire world with my eyes
And then you

At any rate, I suppose I shall answer your questions about relationship advice. Bah.

S…. S….. Soooooooouuuuuu…. Son of our jailer 2878 writes:

General Zod, What are your thoughts on Superman Returns, the never made Superman flyby film, and the never made Superman Lives film?

Strangely enough, Zod has read the scripts of those films, and seen the former. You see, Zod, once upon a time, thought he would write film scripts for fun on the side, after the success of his endeavors with Donner. Further, he knew his angle would have to be “That son of our jailer guy,” in the nepotistic garbage world of LA. To that end, he studied, for reasons he doesn’t even understand today.

Son of Our Jailer Returns has some positive qualities, Zod asserts. Firstly, it makes Kal-El miserable, which is always a joy to see, and there are few things that bring Zod so much joy as seeing him get prison shanked with Kryptonite. But that is Zod’s explicit bias. Analytically, from the perspective of the average filmgoer (which Zod is not, of course), the film suffers from a myriad of flaws upon rewatching, many years later.

With that said, it also has the quality of movies that you want to rewatch many years later, memorable, unforgettable single moments that stick out in the mind as craft done well. Even if it is about (shudder) the son of our jailer.

On an unrelated note, Zod wonders why the son of our jailer never writes. What a coward.

At any rate, back to what I was saying. Son of Our Jailer Returns suffers from a strange, harsh dichotomy, the same problem that plagues Son of Our Jailer… of Steel? The movie creates a set of circumstances incongruous to the moral character of the main character. A story about a deadbeat father who abandons his wife and comes back to try and make things right, not realizing he had a child? That’s a compelling story. A story about a super-powered being fighting an intellectual villain who is about to destroy the world? A compelling story. A retelling of the story of a classic film from the seventies? Great. But all three mashed together, tonally, is incredibly difficult to get into the realized circumstances of.

Consequently, many things that would ordinarily be forgiven in the ordinary course of a film because we are swept up in it (spinning a globe backwards to travel through time, ducks and hell in the Star Wars universe) are instead more heavily scrutinized, and a supposed hero impacted by Kryptonite can no longer be believed to have lifted a continent, where, with the proper foundation, one might take that for granted.

Beyond that, the fundamental premise was not thought out. Basic sniff tests are not passed. Lois, to have a child that old, would have to have been an established reporter in her teens. Son of our jailer would have to abandon the Earth to look for a thing he could see with his telescopic vision already, for five years. The legal system would have to rely solely on eyewitness testimony to keep someone behind bars, in the case of the Luth-Or.

And yet there are beautiful, wonderful moments. Son of our Jailer hovering above the earth. The sequence to save the plane. The romance scene is particularly bittersweet, because it captures the only tone the film truly evokes: sadness at an era and idealism and romantic notion lost.

Son of our Jailer Lives is, I submit, what one might call the animals running through the forest to get away from the fire or volcanic eruption before it happens. Its strange, misguided tone and production, from every report, tells us that the stewards of the character not only care little for the character in question save how it will make them money, but further, that the character itself should only exist to enrich those executives and directors and their vision.

Marvel, on the other hand, puts the character before the director, in Zod’s view, and allows the vision to show through only through the lens of the character. As Donner did (at Zod’s instruction) in our two documentaries.

Flyby is a script that, when you read it, shows that JJ Abrams knows how to tell a story, but at the time, he did not know how to reboot a franchise. It’s an example of where he was going, and as a piece of cinema history is great thereby, but it’s not an incredibly great Son of Our Jailer story. Luth-Or as CIA, etc. It’s an odd thing.

Zod is glad he cut his teeth on this script and it didn’t get made, so that he could later apply his talents and what he learned to the more-than-passable Star Trek and Star Wars reboots.

And what are your thoughts on the documentary film The Death of Superman Lives, What Happened?

Zod was amused by it. It chronicles a film that, like Son of Our Jailer Lives, should never have happened. Zod has visited the alternate universe where it was made, and the resultant 90s era Justice League film, and while it is amazing to watch for the yuks, it led to the utter bankruptcy of the Warnering Brothers. Zod warnered them, but they didn’t listen, even with superhearing.

Zod jokes forever.

What are your thoughts on Kurt Allan’s Superman, George Reeves’s Superman, Christopher Reeve’s Superman, Brandon Routh’s Superman, Tom Welling’s Clark Kent/ Blur/ Superman, Dean Cain’s Superman, Tyler Hoechlin’s Superman, Henry Cavill’s Superman,John Newton’s Superboy, and Gerard Christopher’s Superboy?


Kirk Alyn:
Great theme music. Odd choice of sweater. Zod envies the ability to turn into a cartoon.

George Reeves:
Very much your father’s Son of our Jailer, but complimented by a good cast, a decent feel for the era, and a clear love of the cliffhanger. Zod loves hanging people off cliffs.

Christopher Reeve:
Though the true son of our jailer looks exactly like Christopher Reeve, as a stand-in for the human scenes, Reeve did an excellent job and was a human being almost kind enough to make Zod consider kindness. One of the few people Zod would not destroy, given the choice. Tragic, how close he looks to my mortal enemy. Zod misses Chris.

Tom Welling:
Seeing as Tom Welling never really played the son of our jailer for more than three seconds, Zod disqualifies him. His Clark Kent, however, was excellent.

Dean Cain:
Zod has respect for the very first open embracing of the modern era of the son of our jailer, but the show was cowardly to shy away from Zod appearing, and also, it has not aged incredibly well. But Teri and Dean make a great, iconic duo.

Tyler Hoechlin:
Zod wants to give this a shot, but he only saw one scene and it did not lock in. Which is probably Zod’s fault. Zod hasn’t watched enough to properly judge.

Hen-Ree Cav-Ill:
Looks the part. Talks the part. Zod believes this man can fly. And yet nothing that is written for him is consistent, much, with the son of our jailer. Consequently, Zod sees him as an alternate son of our jailer. Tragic, because the man has chops.

John Newton:
Zod never saw Newton onscreen, because he was too distracted by the actress playing Lana. One day he aims to fix that.

Gerard Christopher:

Do you have a favorite interpretation of the Superman character? Who do you think played the part the best and why?

Zod does not favor the son of our jailer in any capacity, but firmly believes that Christopher Reeve did the best job.

Was it a good idea to change the look of Superman’s outfit, or was his recent look for both the recent movies and Supergirl show a good idea? Are the Shoulder clips a good idea in the Supergirl show? Should he have kept wearing the trunks?

Zod doesn’t mind a costume change, trying new things is good, generally. However, with the son of our jailer in particular it is a very iconic look, so the change should make sense. Where the cape falls matters little. Turning the blue a little darker is fine. Zod is not a fan of losing the trunks. Zod misses the spit curl and the smile, because it throws Zod’s villainy into start contrast. The last scene of Son of our Jailer of Steel looks like two guys of the same temperment having a bar fight. It should be clear which is the son of Jor-El.

And should his insignia have changed from what it was in the previous Reeve films to what it is now in the Cavill films?

Zod has no problem with the logo slightly shifting.

What are your thoughts on the John Williams Superman Theme song from Superman the movie sound track?

Zod thinks that the son of our jailer co-opted a perfectly good Zod theme song, and resents him for it.

And what are your thoughts on the song ” Can you read my mind?” Sung by the late Lois Lane actress Margot Kidder?

Given that Zod’s poetry writing credit was stolen, Zod’s anger could burn a city.

Thanks again General.

Bah, no thanks is necessary. This is what Zod does to while away the time while waiting for a truly challenging foe.

You will bow down before me, Captain Fart. I swear it.



What if…

Could Captain Fart somehow be… the son of our jailer, returned from hiding?

URSA! Come in here!

Drat. Zod typed that, as opposed to saying it. Regardless. Goodbye.


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    March 1, 2019 9:16 am

    General Zod,

    If you were in movies such as the Wizard of Oz, Mary Poppins, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory, and Peter pan what would you change in those films?
    Thank you again for your time general in reading my questions.

    March 7, 2019 1:12 am
    Reply to  Superman2878

    General Zod,

    Have you ever heard of Ming the Merciless? He’s the arch nemesis of the earth hero Flash Gordon. What is your opinion about this alien dictator? Would you consider him a friend or a foe?

    Thanks again for your time General.

    Superman 2878

    March 7, 2019 7:41 pm
    Reply to  Superman2878

    General Zod,

    What do you think of the new Master line General Zod figure?

    Thanks again for your time General.