Thank Zod It’s Friday! – Final Edition

MORTALS. Zod is victorious.

Having answered all of your questions, and defeated them all with the expected ability and strength, Zod has succeeded in his efforts to better understand the people of Houston. To that end, though I know you will spend weeks openly weeping and tearing at your breasts in the agony of your depression, Zod must put this column on a hiatus.

Having destroyed the son of our jailer so openly last week with his rap, Zod knows there is little for him left to do save this eighty thousand piece puzzle he got in the mail from the Amazons.

But now, one last time, Zod will answer your relationship questions:

General Zod,
What is the meaning of life according to you?

In his travels of the cosmos, Zod has encountered many potential meanings of life. The number 42. Happiness. Love. Murder. Extortion. Laughing while smiting your enemies. A proper turn of phrase in front of a pretty girl. Running as a youth in the grassy fields of Krypton in what you would call Spring (we call it Foghat, I don’t even know why). Some even say that the purpose of life is a boot stamping on a human face forever.

Zod personally has come to realize that the meaning of life is asking the question of what the meaning of life is in a new way every day. Or heat vision colonics. Zod is still working on it.

What has four legs in the morning, two at noon, and three at night?

Zod does not like to talk about his failed genetic experiments, but there’s your answer.

What came first, the chicken or the egg?

Zod does not know. The answer to any question you cannot determine with the data available is I don’t know. But Zod is pretty sure that it made a sound whether or not there was a human present when the egg popped out.

If you Ursa and Non had landed on the planet Apocalypse ruled by Darkseid, would you have tried to conquer it like you had for planet Earth?

We would not have tried, we would have succeeded.

And what about Darkseid? What would you have done to overthrow his rule on his planet?

Zod would leave Darkseid to his domain. Zod has no desire to conquer Apokolips. It is a dreary, fire-scorched place filled with weird Grandmas, so Zod hears. Zod would much rather just have Houston. It’s got water you can walk on, pretty girls, and a nice music scene. Zod will own it.

Is there any concern about his omega eye laser beams? I hear that they can follow their target.

There would be a concern, if my chest hair could not block it. But it can.

If you hand a Bizarro clone like Superman does, what would his name be and what would his personality be like?

Zod does have a Bizarro-like clone. It was designed (see my earlier response to your riddle about genetics) to be everything that Zod is. Manly. Smart. Powerful. Invulnerable. A diplomatic genius. Looking good in a plunging V-neck. Surrounded by people who fear him. Popular. Making things happen in a good way in the 70s.

Instead, it quickly shriveled, the hair color changed, and it became the opposite of all those wonderful things Zod is, but still bent toward a perverse form of evil it didn’t even understand, as Bizarro is bent toward strange good in contrast to the son of our jailer.

It was unmanly. Dumb as a post. Weak and flabby. Vulnerable to even the slightest tiny prick. A diplomatic horse’s rectum. Terrible looking in a plunging V-neck. Surrounded by people who laugh at him. Deeply unpopular. And in the seventies, he didn’t accomplish anything of merit despite extraordinary resources.

I hear it went on to become the current president of Houston, but Zod doesn’t pay too much attention to these things. He has a lawn to mow.

Have you met Shazam? I mean Captian Marvel?….or is it Shazam? The big red superhero who in many ways is like Superman. If you have met him, was there any confrontation between you two?

Zod has met both Shazam, Captain Marvel, and Captain Marvel. Shazam tried to challenge Zod, and Zod merely threw a candy bar and a nickel and he scampered away. Children are easily fooled.

Captain Marvel the man, Zod met many years ago, and found him so boring that he wished someone would step in, change his sex, and give him an actually compelling backstory.

Strangely, or not strangely, considering Zod’s intellect, this is exactly what happened, and lo and behold, many years later, Zod was flying through Kree space and saw someone who looked strangely like Bree Larson brokering a peace deal. I think this was the late nineties.

Zod could surely have fought and defeated her, but instead he waved at her, to ascertain her intentions, and took the fact that her hands were glowing and she was coming straight for Zod as a sign of greeting and mutual admiration. Zod then turned left and rushed home, so he could, um, catch the game he was about to be late for.

Regardless, he found her enjoyable in every respect.

Have you met his arch nemesis Black Adam or his other nemesis Dr.Sivana? if you have, what was that meeting like? Was there a team up or a fight between the three of you?

Zod has not met Sivana, but he has met Black Adam. Zod was at a Halloween party, and Black Adam was dressed as Shazam. It was confusing to everyone, but Zod finally got it out of Ursa who he was. Zod then went up to him, said, “Hello, Black Adam. I am your ruler, General Zod.” To which he replied, “Actually, it’s African American Adam.” Zod began to stammer and feel uncomfortable, and then realized that Black Adam had made a joke at Zod’s expense, though he could not figure it out.

Zod got the last laugh, however. Zod has appeared in two movies, and African American Adam is in no movies, so far as Zod is aware.

Lastly if Superman and Shazam were to fight each other, who would win? I would bet Superman would win, but what’s your opinion?

If the son of our jailer fought a child in a man’s body with similar powers, it would be a close battle. It would depend on if the son of our jailer had a nickel and a candy bar, or if he only had a manhole cover.

Thank you for you time in reading my comments General.

Son of our jailer 2878, it has been a pleasure. Zod is departing, for now, but is grateful for your contribution. You will be Lord of Otisburg, henceforth. I am dispatching Otis to Russia.

One last time, I remain, your General.


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April 6, 2019 11:34 am

General Zod,

It’s been an honor having my questions answered by your greatness. I am honored that you have bestowed upon me the title Lord of Otitisburgh. I shall wear this title with pride and honor.

Lord of Otitisburgh!