Assorted Car-El singers and holly hangers, once again it is your bearded lord, General Zod. Let us begin Zod’s weekly trouncing of the questions of your peers.
Mike Curtis wrote:
Have you ever met Mr. Mxyzptlk?
A curious question, with a fascinating answer. No.
And yet Zod has heard of Mr. Mxyzptlk. Apparently this impish creature comes to visit the son of our jailer every ninety days, to cause mischief and turn buildings into beings. A fifth dimensional creature of some power, Zod has struggled to meet this being, because it would appear to be the kind of creature who might challenge Zod in a real way.
And yet, alas.
Given that the son of our jailer is in hiding, for reasons only he can comprehend (I’m lying, it’s cowardice), my attempts to meet and challenge Mxyzptlk to open combat have gone unanswered, even though I shout, in traditional fashion, the battle cry of glory:
“Come to me Mix-ez… Mix-yeee, Max-yes-spittle… COME TO ME, IMP, I DEFY YOU. COME AND KNEEL BEFORE ZOD.”
Curse him and his syllablistic treachery.
Regardless, though Zod has not met this creature, Zod does have a being from another dimension that visits him randomly (on average every forty-seven days) to rankle Zod’s manner. His name is as ridiculous as his purpose, and yet Captain Fart remains a chief adversary in Zod’s extensive Rogues Gallery.
The captain will only materialize under very specific circumstances, and Zod has struggled to study and understand them, to defeat this menace. Some times it will be after thirty days, other days after forty-five, but generally in this arena of time. Rest assured, Zod will annihilate this fool.
Captain Fart first appeared years ago, on a day I caught Non in his study beneath the stairs one morning reading a series of ridiculous books. Harry Potter. Notes From Underground. A how-to on ventriloquism. Twilight.
As I have mentioned before, Non can speak, he is simply quiet because he knows speaking is one way to potentially raise the ire of General Zod. Another is reading Twilight. Zod used his eye lasers to burn the books, and went about his day as normal.
Later that day, Zod went into the kitchen to cut himself some salami and grab a beer and the wall flew apart. With the wall flying apart came a deep, booming voice, and the smell of a fart that could peel paint and make grown men weep. Zod of course did not weep. His eyes leaked.
“Fear me, General Zod, for it is I, Captain Fart, your greatest nemesis!” the cloud cried in a deep booming manly voice, seemingly from nowhere. Zod tried to punch the fart, and did so at superspeed, but that only served to spread the smell.
“Smell you again soon!” the felonious fecal fool chortled, before dispersing back to whatever foul dimension it crawled from. This was to become his “catch-phrase,” which he would repeat upon departing.
Ursa at the time just stood there laughing, and Zod asked why she could not help and perhaps turn on the fan, and she merely replied that she would be too busy washing the dishes from the breakfast of eggs, beans, and milk she had cooked previously for Non and herself.
I believe that these eggs, beans, and milk may be what portends the return of Captain Fart, for he seems to appear only on days when Zod sees Non and Ursa eating those foods, but he has also appeared the day after a chili cook. This puzzling creature will kneel before Zod, once Zod can capture Captain Fart and find a suitably large fan to disperse his olfactory treachery. Then, and only then, will Zod say “Smell you soon.”
Zod has repeatedly demanded that Non and Ursa not leave the totems of this creature about, but Zod must admit to the importance of a balanced diet, and thus allows them to stay.
One may ask how Zod knows that Captain Fart is an extra-dimensional being. The truth is, Zod knows because of the sound he makes before he arrives:
Also, he arrives in the form of a cloud. Clearly irrefutable evidence of extra-dimensional malarkey.
I wasn’t sure on where to send my questions, so I’m posting them in the comments as well as sending you an e-mail.
Zod did not get the email, oddly, but he did get the comment. Zod is still using Windows 95, so sometimes there are issues. Trying both was wise.
Zod sees all, and accepts both.
As I said in the E-mail, there is a fan made video on the website known as youtube for a company known as Zod’s kitchens. Here is the link to the video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZ9yYpUooiw
What are your views on this video?
Zod heartily approved of this, and experienced a light chuckle, which he believes caused an earthquake last week in Alaska.
Though this fool will be liquidated for daring to impersonate his leader, he will die quickly, for this piece of parody has given Zod amusement. All of you must now watch it or face destruction.
However, there is something strange about the video Zod cannot explain. That kitchen is the exact kitchen Zod had before Captain Fart appeared. Zod designed it himself. What manner of treachery is this?
Bah. More than likely a simple coincidence of traveling the multiverse.
Also what are your views on the holiday beverage known as Eggnog?
Zod calls it the egg milk, and drinks it. It is not his favorite concoction, but since Ursa has suggested it might stave off Captain Fart if Zod drinks enough of it, and since it did last holiday season for the first time in four years giving blessed relief, Zod has gone through no less than seventeen gallons since December first, and is on track for half a hundred by the new year.
Lastly if an immoveable object were to meet an unstoppable force, what would happen?
It depends on if either of those objects were Zod. As mentioned before, if it were Zod, it would herald the end of all things, for Zod cannot be defeated. Even by Zod.
If it were anything else, it would be impossible to even occur in the first place, being a logical contradiction. Omniscience, omnipotence, omnibenevolence, and all other maximally powerful positions of being are logically (until proven otherwise by meeting their burden of proof) fictions, and not worthy of serious regard.
The sole exception is the clear existence General Zod.
One time a philosopher came to General Zod, having heard this, and called that Special Pleading, an argumentative fallacy. But then he had to call something called an ambulance, and thereby his argument failed to gain purchase. So end all who engage in epistemological treachery with General Zod.
Zod wins. QED.
Thank you again general for your time in reading my posts and questions
Yes, yes. Now Zod will retire for a week of rest.
Do you smell that?