Thank Zod It’s Friday! – March 22, 2019 Edition

Citizens of Houston, it is your ruler, General Zod.

There is victory in the air, as Zod sniffs the mellow notes of the location of the son of our jailer. It may be soon. It may be as soon as next week. Needless to say, if Zod finds the fool, this column may need to cease, for the time being. But rest assured, this will be more than made up for by the quick and violent end to your insipid lives.

And now, relationship advice!

General Zod,
Did Krypton have gum? If so, what were the flavors?

There was once an analogue to gum on Krypton from the center of a plant that would sing if you tickled it. And then some fool engaged in some time travel, and a Pete Ross from a universe where the son of our jailer took ten years to become the son of our jailer appeared with something called Stride Gum, only it was infected with Kryptonite, and it killed all the rest of the Kryptonian gum, and then there was no more gum. It was a thing.

Happy, Pete Ross? This is why we can’t have nice things.

Did Krypton have political parties? If so, did they have images of animals to represent their party, and what animals did they have?

Krypton has political castes and divisions that they believe have meaning. Guilds, cults, all manner of barbarity. They matter little. All that does matter is the rule of Zod and his House, which one might consider fash-ist here on Houston, with one lone exception. Zod is not pretending to be powerful for profit and out of a feeling of inferiority. He is merely the true-born leader of all people by just might. That he requires his image to be on the wall of every room in every house where he rules is merely coincidental.

What are your thoughts on politics being used on the show Supergirl?

Zod thinks that every single choice that a writer can make is political, to varying degrees, and thusly to decry politics in a show is ridiculous. There is argument to be made that a degree of partisanship that extends to bias is bad, but then, that largely depends on whether one approves of the bias or not. There are many things that feature the son of our jailer, or that Captain America, which are flat-out propaganda.

Zod believes that one must take each political point and its respective bias case by case. This does not make for good talk radio, news, or a hot-take, but it is the only way to be a responsible consumer of media, until Zod burns you to death with eye lasers, that is.

Zod does, however, find it strangely absurd the number of people who are upset at seeing a smattering of feminism in a female superhero character, or the exploration of ideas integral to gay rights and intersection-al femi-nism. Perhaps they did not consider the premise of the show before they leveled these critiques? Or perhaps they did and feel some sort of duty is present where it is not on the part of the creators to cater to every single person watching their show.

Regardless, Zod believes in strength, even if the dictums and codes around that strength are different from his own, and he finds Benoist and her work strong. Though not as strong as Zod, of course, who can defeat anyone and gladly would.

What are your thoughts on Cavill having posted an image of himself standing next to a statue of his version of Superman after his workout last month?

Zod was very confused at first to see two son of our jailers, and expected him to pull off the S and throw it at Zod, and was quite relieved when it turned out to just be a promotional gag. Not out of fear, but because Zod has never lived down having been caught once in a cellophane S with Ursa. In Zod’s defense, who could possibly have imagined such a ludicrous thing was about to occur?

And what are your thoughts on the newly released image of Snyder’s version of Clark Kent revealing his Superman logo at the end of Justice league?

Zod would watch it gladly so long as he did not have to see that perversity that was his CG upper lip once more. But also, it’s the son of our jailer, let’s face it. Uninspired.

Lastly, If the unstoppable force met the immovable object, what would happen? In the All Star Superman story, Superman said they surrender. Do you agree with this answer or do you have a different one?

Zod is a fan of logic, and so has studied this question. Zod is a fan of logical contradiction when used as a game, and this is one of the oldest examples known to humankind. However, Zod always finds the answers to such games self-evident, and is always irked when people endlessly debate the number of angels on the head of a pin.

If a tree falls in a forest, but no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? People say no, because sound is a human construct, and with no humans, it does not make a sound. This is ridiculous, and assumes that nothing else engages with the auditory universe, and could not. Of course it makes a sound, the question is how it provides meaning to human life. This is the crux of what that question is trying to achieve. What is the world without humanity? The sad truth is, the world is just fine, and that’s the fear that question seeks to allay.

Now as for the unstoppable force and the immovable object, Zod is always hard pressed to understand why people assume they would meet, given the fact that they could not. There is often the presumption that a world where both exist could not, logically, exist, but Zod is always amused by this notion. There is a very possible chance that both exist and simply never encounter each other, or if they did, the world would be undone, or ten thousand other things that a narrow and rimshot response to that question would not service.

Zod thinks if they did encounter each other, they would have to coexist. Or that one is not unstoppable, or the other not immovable. People take a lot on faith, and deities lie. Zod knows he has, from time to time, to serve his own ends.

Thank you again for your time General.

Will we ever get to see you rap battle Superman?

No such contest is required
He is tired
Red underwear on the outside?
Eat fire
Eye lasers in your dome
Hula hoops sent me away from home
Zod will destroy you
No Superman, a boy, you
Punk in blue, yellow, red
General Zod will make you dead
Bust you up in your eye socket
So ugly, your parents put you in a rocket
Sent you to the banjos down south
I’ma bust you in your square little mouth
General Zod, he’s your god
You glasses-wearing
Red-sun-chamber sharing
Purse-content staring
Jimmy Olsen leg x-raying
Son of our jailer
You getting paler
Hit you so hard, put you on the nod
Pop an eye laser cap in your bod
Fill your mouth up with sod
Scoot you back in time like a mod
You Kryptonian fraud
Only wish you had my odds
Go on, eat your Solitude Tide pods
Gaze upon my glass rod
Then kneel before Zod

(drops mic)

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    March 23, 2019 1:59 pm

    General Zod, What is the meaning of life according to you? What has four legs in the morning, two at noon, and three at night? What came first, the chicken or the egg? If you Ursa,and Non had landed on the planet Apocalypse ruled by Darkside, would you have tried to conquer it like you had for planet Earth? And what about Darkside? What would you have done to overthrow his rule on his planet? Is there any concern about his omega eye laser beams? I hear that they can follow their target. If you hand a Bizarro clone like… Read more »