Thank Zod It’s Friday! – November 30, 2018 Edition

Turkey-stuffed fools, General Zod is here once more to mash your leftovers and spread them like the butter of hate while answering your questions on life, the nature of the universe, and what number rebar to use when striking the son of our jailer.

It is number five. Number five rebar. Not too thin, not too heavy. It wields like a hammer and leaves spirals on the face. Quite effective.

Now, to your questions about romance and Krypto-currencies!

Kal-Ed writes:

General. What is the best way to preserve a blood lineage? Is it through cloning or natural birth? Would it be morally ambiguous playing God…I mean…Zod? Or is the natural progression of life the easiest way!?

The answer to this question, as is the answer to all questions, is what best serves Zod. And you are correct, it is not playing God, it is playing Zod, as there are no superior beings to myself in this or any universe.

There is, however, a question of which power is best. This is not a moral issue, so much as an issue of Cost Benefit Analys-Is.

For example, Zod has tried every method you mention. He once attempted to clone himself in the hopes of halving his workload, but before the clone could gestate properly, Zod killed the project. Yes, this being would be in all ways his equal, and not his better, but all must bow before Zod, and the ensuing concurrent maximally powerful examples of worthiness might very well turn the multiverse inside out and end life as we know it.

Normally Zod would be all for a thing like this, but Zod wants it to be a choice, not a happy accident.

Natural birth is a good method, provided the House is the right House. For example, Jor-El bumped uglies with Lara, and produced the most insipid weakling ever to spring from Krypton, woeful in every way, while if Zod were to have a child, said child would be second in greatness only to myself. The only reason Zod hasn’t of yet is because he is punishing Ursa for saying she is not ready by denying him the fruits of his eternal manliness.

If Zod had to choose between the two, he would choose natural birth. Genetic manipulation is more mathematically perfect, but prone to variables, like random abilities which may pose some threat, while if Zod has a child he cannot control, he can always end the miscreant easily and start again.

This is all moot, however, because Zod is the first, the last, the only, and the most perfect of his line, so there will be no need to pass a torch, no matter what Ursa says about my Harley Davidson and its reflection upon my supposed aging.

Spidey2878 writes:

General Zod,
Here on this planet Earth or as you would call it Houston, there is a country called the United States of America. Every year around this time of year Americans celebrate a holiday known as Thanksgiving. On this holiday Americans say what they are grateful for in their lives and eat a poultry known as turkey. They eat turkey with another food known as Stuffing which is a food that is made out of a bread type substance.

Zod approves of applying flames to things and consuming them to set an example, and has heard of Houston’s tradition.

On krypton was there ever such a meal as this kind? And was there ever a holiday like Thanksgiving on your planet?

On Krypton, many subsist on a vile nutrient paste, and there is little need for food, though some take the time to eat like regular folks. Zod tends to prefer stuffing his face, mostly because it gives him an excuse to dine on the varying flora and fauna he has conquered in his supremacy over the land.

We did not have a holiday to celebrate the arrival of pilgrims, but Zod had a special celebration for the so-called “worst criminal in the Phantom Zone,” Jax-Ur. He calls it Moonsgiving.

Now Jax is a decent fellow, murderous, evil, all that, but he failed to destroy Krypton’s moon Wegthor, which, frankly, is bush league. To motivate and chastise him, every year, Zod would prepare a Rondor roast in the shape of what remained of Wegthor, and consume it himself in front of Jax-Ur through a viewer while he writhed in the Phantom Zone, to show the fool where he had failed.

Later, when Zod chose to enter the Phantom Zone, he smacked Jax around like a punk and made him bring Zod his slippers.

SLIPPERS!

Now should you meet him, he will say he blackened Zod’s eye and made Zod fetch the slippers, but that is because he is as pathetic a liar as he is a destroyer of moons.

And if so what would you have been grateful for?

Zod is always grateful for Zod, as all should be. Zod also likes whoever made diving V-neck unitards.

Speaking of food, I was wondering if you knew the answer to this next question. Why do they sell hotdogs in packages of 10 and hotdog buns in packages of eight?

Mwu. Mwu ha. Mwu hah hah hah hah!

It is your ruler, General Zod, who is responsible for this frankfurter treachery! Now you must buy two additional hotdogs, and Zod gets a kickback.

KICKBACK!

Lastly, on a more somber topic. This past week comic book superhero fan’s like myself have lost an important figure in their lives. Stan Lee, who created many comic book superheroes that fans look up to. Superheroes such as Spider-man, Iron Man, the X-Men, and the Incredible Hulk. Do you have any words of wisdom or words of comfort for his fans in the wake of his passing?

Zod is angered by the passing of Stan Lee.

Zod spends his days idle, waiting and watching for anyone of any worth to challenge him in any way. So superior is he to any creature on any of the many worlds, he waits in futile hope that anyone might approach his greatness.

Of course Zod has never met his match, and Stan Lee was no exception, but Zod acknowledges that of the many mortals he has faced and defeated, the power of Stan Lee’s imagination and contribution to popular culture would have made him a formidable enemy, had we ever met in battle.

Unlike many of his contemporaries and peers, his skill as a warrior in the so-called Second World War of Houston also made Zod wonder about what fisticuffs might have been like in the man’s Prime, were Zod suitably depowered to level the playing field. He wonders about that in the way people wonder about who would win in a fight between the Incredible Hulk and the son of our jailer.

The Hulk, of course, which also speaks to the man’s creative powers.

He also gave Zod the phrase “Excelsior!” which Zod says instead of “Yahtzee!” when playing Yahtzee, because it is funny and irreverent, no matter how much Ursa insists it is annoying.

Zod misses no one, that would be weakness, but Zod gives Stan Lee a slow upward nod.

As always general, thank you for your time in reading my comments, and questions.

And to quote the Great late Stan Lee ,” Excelsior”

Curse you and your five sixes! Zod only had four ones. Zod will defeat you at Yahtzee next time, so-called Spidey!

In the third Superman movie, Superman was split into two separate people after being exposed to fake Kryptonite. Superman had to fight his double.

Ah, yes. Zod saw. It was hilarious. He plans on throwing tires onto the son of our jailer, at some point, for its simple comedic joy.

If you were spit into two separate Zods, and had to fight each other, which of the two Zods would win?

Regards,
Spidey2878

Now this is a good question, and related to my earlier response to lineage. Truly, have philosophers not asked from the start of philosophy what would happen if the unstoppable force met the immovable object? And that, verily, is what this would be, for Zod against Zod could very well undo the cosmos.

Fortunately, Zod has an answer to this dilemma, the same answer Zod would give to the question of “If God exists, could he create something that he couldn’t lift?”

The answer is, of course, yes, because that would be implied in what that God is, and so too, could Zod, the unstoppable force, move Zod, an immovable object? Yes. Zod is Zod. Zod watches his work in the documentary Superman 2 and often moves himself to tears with the beauty of his own chest hair. Explain that, philosophers!

But as Zod is Zod, Zod would also never allow a situation where such a doubled supremacy could ever happen. He would end any real threat before it became manifest.

However, as a thought experiment, Zod will now imagine what would happen if Zod did meet Zod.

First, the battle would last for months, and destroy every major city in seconds as surely as a bear farts in the woods. The flames would rise above the horizon, and the earth would crack in half like glass scored perfectly, shattering across the universe into fragments as all that we know was ruined in a holocaust of war and battle. Children would cry, the skies would turn red, dread trumpets would sound, and no doubt reality television would be all anyone would ever watch henceforth. As the world collapsed into itself, and the two tufts of chest hairs rewrote time as one battled another for attractive dominance, one thing would become abundantly clear and obvious, written in the sky in words of blood:

The son of our jailer is a fart in the mouth of the world.

As you see, Zod wins even when Zod battles himself.

And now I return to my turkey a la Jack. That’s what we call it in our house, for Zod is the only king of his castle.

Until next week, die, as you deserve to!

-General Zod.

Tell your friends
  • 13
  •  
  •  
  •  
  • 1
  • 1
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  • 2
  •  

1
Leave a Reply

Please Login to comment
1 Comment threads
0 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
1 Comment authors
Spidey2878 Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
Notify of
Spidey2878
Member
Spidey2878

General Zod, I’ve heard of a name called Black Zero. Have you ever come across a such a person or group, and if so,what are they like? I also heard that comic book writer Bandis will be working on Superman’s comic, and from what I can tell from the cover art of one of the upcoming issues, he’s changed the look of Superman’s son Superboy drastically. So much so that he went from looking like he was ten to looking like he is sixteen in a matter of a short period of time. From what I could tell from the… Read more »