Mild Mannered Reviews - Classic Pre-Crisis Superman Comics
Action Comics #279Cover date: August 1961
Penciller: John Forte
Inker: John Forte
Cover: Curt Swan and Stan Kaye
Reviewed by: Tom-EL
The story opens with the phrase "One imaginary day, which may or may not happen", Lois Lane and Lana Lang are visiting the Metropolis Museum. They decide to stroll down the "Hall of Heroes", a display of wax statues dedicated to legendary heroes of the past. The two stop and comment on the statues of Hercules and Samson, which are side by side. They discuss the fact that they would both very much like to be married, and they agreed with each other that if these two heroes of the past were around now, neither Lois nor Lana would wait around for Superman to make up his mind about matrimony. Outside the museum, Superman overheard those comments and decided not to let time stand in the way of testing that. He flew into the past to get Hercules, who at that moment was winning a tug-of-war with about twenty or twenty-five guys on the other end of the rope. With Herc on his back, he then flies off to ancient Israel to get Samson, who was on his own, battling a horde of Philistines. With the two in tow, he flies back to 1961 Metropolis.
Arriving back, Superman gave each of the two historical heroes a Kryptonian apparatus that they placed on their heads that would automatically help them to understand and speak modern English. He then explains to them that there are two girls in this time that want to meet them with marriage as a possible outcome. The understanding is that if they fall in love with Lois and Lana, they can stay in this time and be married, if not, Superman agrees to return them to their homes in the past. Hercules and Samson both agreed to the terms and were both excited to meet their prospective brides. As soon as the girls and guys meet, Hercules and Lois pair off, with Samson and Lana also taking a liking to each other automatically. The guys decide to impress their new girlfriends, with Hercules uprooting a tree and re-planting it in a spot where it will give Lois more shade from the sun's heat. Not to be outdone, Samson puts his fist through a section of rock that causes a stream of cool water to flow out, because Lana had mentioned she was thirsty and could use a cool drink. It is at that point, that Samson and Herc both get down on one knee and propose to Lois and Lana, both promising that they will do anything to make the girls happy. The girls are both in agreement that they would be crazy to pass up a chance like this at marriage, so they both take about one second to decide, then they accept their respective proposals, and the four set off for the Metropolis Marriage License office.
At the License Bureau, the lady clerk informs them that marriage licenses are not granted immediately, they will have to wait for one week. Lana and Lois decided it would be a good use of that time to try and find jobs for the boys, so they will be provided for once they are married. Lana goes to a television ad agency to get the guys jobs in television commercials, while Lois talks to a movie producer who seems intrigued with the idea of doing a "Hercules meets Samson" movie, and thinks it would be great publicity if they continued to wear their clothing from the past. He gives the two an advance salary on the movie deal, and they in turn decide to use the money to buy houses for their brides-to-be. Hercules buys a house in the suburbs for Lois, but she decided she didn't like the spot on the property where the house sat, so she gets Hercules to pick up the house and carry it on his back, trying out different locations on the property. By nightfall, Lois still had not decided on the right spot, with a tired Hercules wondering how much longer it will take before Lois makes up her mind. In the meantime, Lana asked Samson to put up a privacy fence around their property and he agreed to do so. A helicopter flew overhead, so Lana complained that it still was not sufficiently private. Samson then moved a hill alongside their home so that low flying aircraft would have to fly higher to avoid hitting the hill, thus keeping the couple free from prying eyes. As soon as Samson finished the project, Lana decided that she didn't like not having the view that the house previously had, so she asks him to move everything back, just as it originally was. A tired Samson complied.
Lana decided she wanted a pet, but an unusual pet, recalling stories of ancient queens who kept leopards as pets. Samson went into the mountains outside Metropolis and found a mountain lion that he would take back to Lana, reasoning that with him around, Lana was in no danger from the big cat. In celebration, Lana prepared a barbecue, but as the cooking was completed, the lion got loose and pounced on the food. By the time Samson took care of him, the meat was gone and Lana told Samson, "All I can give you now are lettuce sandwiches" which wasn't what a hungry Samson wanted to hear. Over at the Hercules house, Lois saw how Lana got an exotic pet, so she decided that she wanted one. Lois told him she likes birds, so Hercules proceeded to go to the Metropolis Zoo and grabbed an ostrich. So that no one would consider it stealing, he left behind a priceless ruby by which the zoo could purchase another ostrich. Later, the zoo put out a public service announcement intended for the bird's new owners that this species of ostrich is easily susceptible to colds if he's kept outdoors, so he needs to be kept warm if he stays outside. The end result is that the ostrich gets to sleep in Herc's nice warm hammock, while he sleeps out huddled in a tree, shivering in the cold of the night and listening to the ostrich snore.
The next day, the two couples went shopping. Lois and Hercules went clothes shopping for Lois at a local department store, while Samson and Lana visited a new car dealership. Lois and Hercules came out of the store with Herc carrying a huge armload of packages, believing that Lois literally had bought out the store. Meanwhile, Samson bought Lana a new convertible, which she proceeded to drive out of the showroom and directly into the nearest street light, totaling the front end of the car. As Samson carried the car on his back, Lana mentioned that she regretted not purchasing car insurance before they bought the car. Later, the four get together for a meeting at which Samson tells Lois and Lana that after they purchased the houses, clothes, and car, he and Hercules have spent the last of the money they received for the movie deal. The girls were totally unphased by the announcement, stating they could go out and earn more money with new jobs that the girls could find for them. Lana got Samson a job with a wrecking company, while Lois secured a position for Hercules as an athletic trainer for the Metropolis Giants, a professional football team.
Samson reports for work at the wrecking company and the results were nearly a disaster. He was instructed to demolish an old courthouse to make room for a new skyscraper the city was planning. He tied chains around the front columns to pull them out, intending that the lack of support would collapse the structure. He yanked so hard on the pillars that they went flying in all directions like missiles, requiring Superman to stop the flying pillars from causing destruction all over the city. Samson was then fired by his foreman. Hercules did not fare any better in his new job. The excitement of the head coach over having him with the team soon changed to fear for his players after Hercules put several of them in the hospital when they tried to tackle him in practice. Finally, on the outskirts of Metropolis, Hercules and Samson begged Superman to take them back to the past, with both stating that the girls were driving them crazy. Superman did so, and the very next day, both Lois and Lana had "For Sale" signs in the front yards of their houses and they immediately returned to arguing with each other over which of them Superman preferred.
Story - 5: The 5 rating is given because this story is without a doubt, clearly one of the funniest Superman stories I have ever read. In terms of characterizations and settings, it's not much different from most other Superman stories of the late 50s/early 60s. But the humor in this story is just delightful in the way that it takes a totally implausible situation (two characters pulled out of the past) and puts them in modern situations with such business-as-usual reactions by Lois, Lana, and some other characters in the story. Here are a few examples: I about cracked up when I read this. After wearing the learning machine on his head, Hercules says, "Thou hast made me speak English fluently. Listen to the strange words I now know - 'Golly' - 'Hot Dog' - 'Rock and Roll' - 'Space Satellite'." When the four go to the license bureau, the clerk matter-of-factly says "I just heard about your appearance from the past", as if this is a nearly every day occurrence in that office. It's like her next sentence might have been, "Hey, we didn't make any special allowance for Atlas, Robin Hood, or Johnny Appleseed when they applied, why should we do it for you?" Lana decides she wants an unusual pet, something no one else has, so Samson, logically, tracks down a mountain lion (so common after all in the suburbs of major cities like Metropolis) and subdues it with a punch in the face. Dragging the big cat home by the tail, Samson finds Lana appreciative. "Chain it up," she says, "and I'll make you dinner." Samson also shows a bit of sarcastic wit. While carrying the totaled car on his back, Lana, who is sitting in the car, says "We'll buy another car tomorrow", Samson replies "Of course dear! What's money for, except for my precious Lana to spend?" while he's thinking "and spend, and spend, and spend!" It even had Lana cutting Samson's hair, the reason being he got bubblegum in it, and of course, he lost his strength. I just thought this was, as humorous Superman stories goes, one of the best I've read. It is unfortunate that the identity of the author of this story is not known. I was never able to track down any source that could supply a name to the writing of this tale. In my opinion he (or she) deserves kudos for such a cleverly written humorous story.
Art - 5: This story was both pencilled and inked by artist John Forte, who according to my research was more often the artist for the Legion of Super-Heroes in Adventure Comics. He was certainly familiar with how to draw the Superman family of characters because much of his work could also be seen in issues of Jimmy Olsen and Lois Lane from 1958 into the 60s. He had on some occasions inked for Curt Swan, but he wasn't as a rule the artist for Superman or Action Comics. His familiarity with the characters and his particular style and eye for certain details worked very well for me in this story. The comical writing of this story was well highlighted by some of the character's reactions and facial expressions as drawn by Forte. It was a great effort on his part.
Cover Art - 4: Another very good cover job by the team of Swan & Kaye. Probably the only reason it rates a 4 rather than 5 with me is that as good as the Swan/Kaye covers were, the Swan/Klein covers of a few years later were, in my opinion, a little better in style and detail, with Swan's style having progressed, and Klein's inking a little more to my liking.
Pre-Crisis Superman Comic Book Reviews
- Action Comics #1 (June 1938)
- Action Comics #2 (July 1938)
- Action Comics #3 (August 1938)
- Action Comics #4 (September 1938)
- Action Comics #5 (October 1938)
- Action Comics #6 (November 1938)
- Action Comics #7 (December 1938)
- Superman Archives: Volume 1 (1939)
- Superman #1 (Summer 1939)
- Action Comics #8 (January 1939)
- Action Comics #9 (February 1939)
- Action Comics #10 (March 1939)
- Superman #13 (November/December 1941) - The Archer
- Superman #19 (November/December 1942) - Case of the Funny Paper Crimes
- Action Comics #60 (May 1943) - Lois Lane - Superwoman
- Superman #30 (September/October 1944) - The Mysterious Mr. Mxyztplk
- Action Comics #80 (January 1945) - Mr. Mxyztplk Returns
- Superman #38 (January/February 1946) - The Battle of the Atoms
- Superman #42 (September/October 1946) - The Death of Clark Kent
- Superman #45 (March/April 1947) - Lois Lane, Superwoman
- Superman #53 (July 1948) - The Origin of Superman
- Action Comics #124 (September 1948) - A Superman of Doom
- Superman #60 (December 1949/January 1950) - The Two Identities of Superman & Superman Fights the Super-Brain
- Superman #76 (May/June 1952) - The Mightiest Team in the World
- Superman #80 (January/February 1953) - Superman's Lost Brother
- Superman 3D (1953) - The Man Who Stole the Sun, Origin of Superman and The Man Who Bossed Superman
- Superman #87 (February 1954) - The Prankster's Greatest Role
- Superman #88 (March 1954) - The Terrible Trio
- Superman #89 (May 1954) - Captain Kent the Terrible, Superman of Skid Row, and One Hour to Doom!
- Superman #91 (August 1954) - The Superman Stamp and Great Caesar's Ghost
- World's Finest #88 (May/June 1957) - Superman and Batman's Greatest Foes
- Superman #115 (August 1957) - The Midget Superman!
- Superboy #65 (May/June 1958) - The Amazing Adventures of Krypto Mouse
- Action Comics #242 (July 1958) - The Super-Duel in Space
- Superman #123 (August 1958) - The Girl of Steel
- Superman #127 (February 1959) - Titano the Super Ape
- Action Comics #252 (May 1959) - The Menace of Metallo and The Supergirl From Krypton
- Superman #129 (May 1959) - The Girl in Superman's Past
- Superman #130 (July 1959) - The Curse of Kryptonite!, The Super-Servant of Crime!, and The Town that Hated Superman!
- Jimmy Olsen #40 (October 1959) - Jimmy Olsen, Supergirl's Pal
- Superman #134 (January 1960) - The Super-Menace of Metropolis
- Jimmy Olsen #42 (January 1960) - The Big Superman Movie!, Perry White, Cub Reporter!, and Jimmy the Genie!
- Jimmy Olsen #44 (April 1960) - The Wolf-Man of Metropolis
- Adventure Comics #271 (April 1960) - How Luthor Met Superboy
- Jimmy Olsen #46 (July 1960) - Jimmy Olsen, Orphan
- Superman #141 (November 1960) - Superman's Return To Krypton
- Superboy #85 (December 1960) - The Impossible Mission
- Jimmy Olsen #51 (March 1961) - The Girl with Green Hair
- Jimmy Olsen #52 (April 1961) - Jimmy Olsen, Wolf-Man
- Superboy #89 (June 1961) - Superboy's Big Brother!
- Action Comics #279 (August 1961) - The Super-Rivals
- Superman #147 (August 1961) - The Legion of Super Villains
- Superman #149 (November 1961) - The Death of Superman!
- Jimmy Olsen #57 (December 1961) - Jimmy Olsen Marries Supergirl
- Superman #155 (August 1962) - Superman Under the Green Sun and The Downfall of Superman
- Justice League of America #13 (August 1962) - Riddle of the Robot Justice League
- World's Finest #129 (November 1962) - Joker-Luthor, Incorporated
- Superman #158 (January 1963) - Superman in Kandor
- Superman #160 (April 1963) - The Mortal Superman
- Superman #161 (May 1963) - The Last Days of Ma and Pa Kent
- Superman #162 (July 1963) - The Amazing Story of Superman-Red and Superman-Blue
- Superman #163 (August 1963) - Wonder-Man, the New Hero of Metropolis and The Goofy Superman
- Justice League of America #21 & #22 (August/September 1963) - Crisis on Earth-One! and Crisis on Earth-Two!
- Superman #164 (October 1963) - The Showdown Between Luthor and Superman
- Superman #165 (November 1963) - The Sweetheart Superman Forgot
- Superman #166 (January 1964) - The Fantastic Story of Superman's Sons
- Superman #167 (February 1964) - The Team of Luthor and Brainiac
- Superman #168 (April 1964) - Luthor - Super Hero and Lex Luthor, Daily Planet Editor
- Superman #169 (May 1964) - The Man Who Stole Superman's Secret Life
- Action Comics #314 (July 1964) - The Day Superman Became The Flash
- Justice League of America #29 & #30 (August/September 1964) - Crisis on Earth-Three! and The Most Dangerous Earth of All!
- Superman #173 (November 1964) - The Triumph of Luthor and Brainiac
- Action Comics #318 (November 1964) - The Death of Luthor
- Action Comics #319 (December 1964) - The Condemned Superman
- Superman #175 (February 1965) - Clark Kent's Brother
- Superman #181 (November 1965) - The Superman of 2965
- The Legion of Super-Heroes - Archives Volume 4 (1965)
- Superman #184 (February 1966) - The Demon Under the Red Sun
- Action Comics #338 (June 1966) - Muto - Monarch of Menace
- Action Comics #339 (July 1966) - Muto versus The Man of Tomorrow
- Superman #189 (August 1966) - Krypton Lives Again
- Action Comics #346 (February 1967) - The Man Who Sold Insurance to Superman and The Case of the Superman Imposter
- Superman #194 (February 1967) - The Death of Lois Lane
- Superman #196 (May 1967) - The Star of Steel
- Superman #199 (January 1967) - Superman's Race With The Flash
- Superman #200 (October 1967) - Super-Brother Against Super-Brother
- The Flash #175 (December 1967) - Race to the End of the Universe
- Justice League of America #63 (June 1968) - Time Signs a Death Warrant for the Justice League
- Superman #211 (November 1968) - The Name of the Game is Superman!
- Superman #215 (April 1969) - Lois LaneŠ DeadŠ Yet Alive
- Superman #224 (February 1970) - Beware the Super-Genius Baby
- Action Comics #393 (October 1970) - Superman Meets Super-Houdini! and The Day Superboy Became Superman!
- Jimmy Olsen #133 (October 1970) - The Newsboy Legion
- Action Comics #394 (November 1970) - Midas of Metropolis and Requiem for a Hot Rod!
- World's Finest #198 (November 1970) - Race to Save the Universe!
- Action Comics #395 (December 1970) - The Secrets of Superman's Fortress and The Credit Card of Catastrophe
- Jimmy Olsen #134 (December 1970) - The Mountain of Judgement!
- World's Finest #199 (December 1970) - A Race to Save Time!
- Superman #233 (January 1971) - Superman Breaks Loose!
- Jimmy Olsen #135 (January 1971) - The Evil Factory!
- Superman #234 (February 1971) - How to Tame a Wild Volcano
- Jimmy Olsen #136 (February 1971) - The Saga of the D.N.Aliens
- Superman #235 (March 1971) - The Sinister Scream of the Devil's Harp
- Superman #236 (April 1971) - Planet of the Angels and The Doomsayer
- Jimmy Olsen #137 (April 1971) - The Four-Armed Terror!
- Superman #237 (May 1971) - The Enemy of Earth
- Superman #238 (June 1971) - Menace at 1000 Degrees
- Jimmy Olsen #138 (June 1971) - The Big Boom!!
- Superman #240 (July 1971) - To Save a Superman
- Jimmy Olsen #139 (July 1971) - The Guardian Fights Again!!!
- Superman #241 (August 1971) - The Shape of Fear
- Superman #242 (September 1971) - The Ultimate Battle
- Jimmy Olsen #141 (September 1971) - Will the Real Don Rickles Panic?!?
- Jimmy Olsen #142 (October 1971) - The Man from Transilvane!
- Jimmy Olsen #143 (November 1971) - Genocide Spray
- Jimmy Olsen #144 (December 1971) - A Big Thing in a Deep Scottish Lake!
- Superman #247 (January 1972) - Must There Be A Superman
- Jimmy Olsen #145 (January 1972) - Brigadoom!
- Jimmy Olsen #146 (February 1972) - Homo-Disastrous!
- Jimmy Olsen #147 (March 1972) - A Superman in Super-Town!
- Jimmy Olsen #148 (April 1972) - Monarch of All He Subdues!
- Superman #292 (October 1975) - The Luthor Nobody Knows!
- Action Comics #458 (April 1976) - Make Me a Super-Hero! and Masquerade of the Nutty Kid!
- Action Comics #484 (June 1978) - Superman Takes a Wife!
- Superman #328 (October 1978) - Attack of the Kryptonoid
- Action Comics #489 (November 1978) - Krypton Dies Again and Where There's a Will... There's a Fray
- Superman #329 (November 1978) - I Have Met The Enemy... And He Is Me! and The Secret of the Talking Car
- Superman #330 (December 1978) - The Master Mesmerizer of Metropolis!
- Action Comics #490 (December 1978) - No Tomorrow For Superman
- Action Comics #491 (January 1979) - A Matter of Light and Death
- Superman #331 (January 1979) - Lockup at 20,000 Feet
- Action Comics #492 (February 1979) - Superman's Secret Afterlife
- Superman #332 (February 1979) - The Eternity Cage
- Action Comics #493 (March 1979) - The Metropolis UFO Connection
- Action Comics #494 (April 1979) - The Secret of the Super S
- Action Comics #495 (May 1979) - Attack of the Ultimate Warrior
- DC Comics Presents #14 (October 1979) - Judge, Jury... and No Justice!
- The Superman Story (1979) - The Life Story of Superman
- DC Comics Presents #57 (May 1983) - Days of Future Past
- DC Comics Presents #67 (March 1984) - 'Twas the Fright Before Christmas
- DC Comics Presents Annual #3 (1984) - With One Magic Word
- Superman: The Secret Years #1 (February 1985) - Dreams and Schemes and Feeling Proud!
- Superman: The Secret Years #2 (March 1985) - Reach Out and Touch
- Superman: The Secret Years #3 (April 1985) - Terminus
- DC Comics Presents #80 (April 1985) - A World Full of Supermen!
- Superman: The Secret Years #4 (May 1985) - Beyond Terminus
- DC Comics Presents #85 (September 1985) - The Jungle Line
- Superman Annual #11 (1985) - For The Man Who Has Everything
- World's Finest #323 (January 1986) - Afraid of the Dark
- DC Comics Presents #97 (September 1986) - Phantom Zone: The Final Chapter
- Superman #423 & Action Comics #583 (September 1986) - Whatever Happened To The Man of Tomorrow?
- Showcase Presents: Superman Family - Volume 1 (October 2005)
- Superman/Batman: Saga of the Super Sons (December 2007)
- Not Brand ECHH #7 (April 1967) - The Origin of Stuporman
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