Superman on Television

Smallville: Episode Reviews

Season 6 - Episode 13: "Crimson"



Reviewed by: Neal Bailey


  • Lois tries on red K lipstick. Predictably, she goes for Clark.
  • Clark tries to fend her off. She kisses him. He gets red K fever.
  • Clark says a bunch of uninhibited things and hacks Lana off.
  • Lana kisses him, then goes back to Lex. Her pregnancy has something odd about it.


    I've got caffeine. I've got time. I'm all caught up on all the things since I finished my house. I've gotten over my sickness this week. I've got a whole night ahead of me.

    But for the life of me, I can't think of anything to say here I haven't already said. Is this because my writing is tired, and old? No, I'll think of some new way to put my thoughts that is hopefully entertaining, despite having to cover the same material.

    I can't say as much for Smallville.

    This episode has not only been done before, it's been done before so many times that it's astonishing they're still doing it. The last time we saw it was Hypnotic. Clark got plot device X which made him act out of character or OOC, as we geeks call it in text games. He does things which hack off Lana, and we're supposed to care about the emotional dilemma despite learning not to because the emotions are inconsistent, repetitive, and often contradictory on this show.

    It happened before with parasites, witches, red K part one and two, heck, it happened with Alicia, it happens pretty constantly.

    The idea is an admirable one. Eliminate all of the dangling, horrible ways that people can't say what they want to say to each other by forcing them into an altered state of mind.

    The problem being, in order to sympathize with characters in that position, their dilemmas have to be dilemmas that anyone with half a brain would truly have trouble telling other people. Here's an example of the dilemmas this episode attempted to solve that you or I would commonly solve by saying, "Hey, THIS is up!"

    A) Lana is pregnant and doesn't want the public to know.
    B) Clark loves Lana and Lana loves Clark still (no sh$%?).
    C) Chloe still pines for Clark. Clark is stringing her along.
    D) Martha Kent dating Lionel bugs Clark.
    E) Lex doesn't want Lana to go back to Clark.

    The solution to all of these dilemmas are simple.
    A) Grow the hell up.
    B) Grow the hell up.
    C) Grow the hell up.
    D) Grow the hell up.
    E) Grow the hell up.

    I know, I know. But Neal, if they grow up, there won't be any DRAMA!

    Et-hem. You've got a show with a guy who can tilt the Earth on its axis, with an adversary that could out-Machiavelli Machiavelli. Pardon me if I could give a crap for the soap opera drama they use as an excuse for not playing with this incredible sandbox a guy like me would kill for.

    The idea of the country romance of our idealistic youth is past. The show is way beyond it, the plot is not. Here we are, wading in plots we've seen a hundred times before. Literally.

    Even the title of the episode is ripping off the episode it steals from. "Red=teh crimson" is my first note.

    The only redeeming feature is the dialogue, which, at times, cuts like a knife. But given that it cuts like a knife about A-E, it's not really particularly effective beyond, "Man, that was cruel!" because really, it's the stuff I've been saying in these reviews and that anyone with common sense says on a regular basis watching this show.

    It takes off the dumb as Clark blinders, but the dramatic promise of character betterment this puts forth is immediately yanked away when you realize that he goes straight back to dumb as Clark by the end.

    I get a few letters saying, "No, Neal! Things are really changed 4EVER!", people forget within the week, and the show's back to status quo. So such speeches don't sway me, ultimately.

    Jumping the shark is not just about a show losing its vitality. That's the biggest part, I'll admit, but folks, why did this fail?

    It failed because it signaled both a lack of vitality of storyline, AND because it represented pandering to the LCD of what has worked in the past because the writers were out of ideas and lacked the gumption or courage to go in a new direction.

    Like doing another red K episode and making it lipstick instead of a parasite or a rock. That's essentially jumping the shark after jumping the motorcycle.

    It's obvious why this is lame. Now for the blow-by-blow to rain the inconsistencies on top of the repetition:

    First off, that's the biggest valentine party I've ever seen. Odd how neither of the proprietors of the Talon are there for the planning of the party, Martha or Lois, and that Lois was tricked into coming.

    She walks in with Jimmy, who as I knew it just met her, but now they're best friends. Remember when I pointed out what makes a soap opera? Characters that instantly know each other like best friends, and then disappear without major strife when it comes for their arc's end?

    Jimmy as matchmaker is cute, but only if taken out of the context of realizing that it's Jimmy and Lois in Smallville matchmaking with Clark seven years before they're gonna meet. Well, and given that Lois hardly knows Jimmy.

    "Little down on love?" says the resident Talon gypsy/hippie that we've never seen before who's just allowed to peddle her wares of the people who WORK in the Talon without any proprietary concern.

    Later, the hippie lady offers the cure, but nothing ever comes of the fact that there's a lady out there essentially offering date rape drugs to teenagers in coffee bars. But hey.

    And there's the fact that Lois was already wearing lipstick when she put on new lipstick. But hey.

    And there's the fact that (already discussed, but) Kryptonite should have no real effect on humans, per green K. But hey.

    The lipstick also looked pretty hideously awful and tawdry on Lois, too. But hey.

    Martha holds up the invitation to Lana and Lex's engagement party. She's accepting. Ah....huh? She doesn't tell Clark, she goes behind his back, she's supposed to be against Lex given what Lionel's told her about him, and yet she smites her son and hangs out with Lex? The wha I say?

    Cut to a bottom-up Lois objectification shot, with music that's supposed to be emulating all of that cheesy "Oh, look! A hot woman" music that accompanies whenever a hot chick shows a little leg on TV. Except the music is horrible, and instead of being evocative, it's simply pukative, and lasts for the WHOLE SCENE, far beyond what would have served the purpose.

    The sad thing being, too, she's wearing clothes that are actually less hot than those she usually wears. Less cleavage, more conservative frilly lace (not what guys dig when they're looking for objectification), and only slight leg. Give me Lois in her workout outfit any day over that crap. But bottom line, give me character over either? Huh? Please!?

    Whitesnake was okay. But that's only because I know girls who like Whitesnake, and have a soft spot in my heart for them. It's actually the perfect music for Lois, I would say. Good call there.

    Clark pushes Lois off and runs away, which firmly places him in the category of homosexual in my book. I have no problem with homosexuality, but that scene flat-out proved it. Clark must not like women.

    And don't send me a letter, I know he was trying to be a gentleman. I'm joking.

    Chloe is apparently still living at the Talon. She opens the door, and BAM. Lana.

    They allude to a fight that they recently had, but I honestly, right now, can't remember where their characters stood last week, be it because I don't care or because it's always so inconsistent I don't remember.

    Thinking about it, it must have been before the break. But either way, let me put it like this. If Chloe had STABBED Lana last time they saw each other, this is how they would greet each other, no matter what. Lana comes in, demands favor and approval, Chloe denies it, Lana pouts, Chloe accedes and gets apologetic. Scene.

    Lana passive aggressively commands Chloe to be maid of honor.

    Chloe goes along with it. Everyone goes along with the marriage without objection, none at all. Chloe, Martha, Lois, Jimmy, even Clark and Lionel until pushed.

    Speaking of which, where is Lionel and what's his point any more?

    The "Martian Manhunter" bit is forced and came out poorly.

    Chloe laughing at Lois' situation played well, until I realized she was essentially poking fun at someone being drugged into wanting to have sex with someone.

    Lois goes to Metropolis to find Clark. She has a tattoo on her boob. Subtle.

    Lois recognizes Green Arrow, Clark reveals his secret, and takes a jump. All very neat in season two. Now they've been done a billion times, and we already know they're going to forget what he's doing, so what's the point of doing it?

    There's no conflict in this episode besides the worry about giving away secrets one could care less about.

    I also realized, though I may have already, that Chloe is commuting to Metropolis five days a week. That's 6 hours of driving a day, five days a week. The Yaris averages 37 miles a gallon. Assuming she goes the speed limit, she spends 486 dollars a month on gas, at 2.50 a gallon. Not counting trips she takes during the show. Plus the lease on the car. Plus rent. Plus high fashion clothes. Sigh.

    Lana is not showing her pregnancy at all. Pretty odd for someone four to five months in, right? It's February 15 this episode, recall, even if it's February 1 here.

    Lex makes a baby room for Lana, and Lana gets mad at him for it, explaining she doesn't want anyone to know she's pregnant because, quote, "Do you know how many people are looking over my shoulder second-guessing why I'm marrying you?"

    Yeah. Zero. See my earlier critique. Point being, Lana has no reason to be upset here that makes any sense, and if she's vapid enough to let the media (who wouldn't care about her but do in this universe) dictate whether she'll be happy she's pregnant or not, screw her.

    Beyond that, on the bottom line, Lex does a kind thing, Lana rebukes it cruelly and with a bichy-ness, and Lex ends up made out to be the bad guy.

    She's also keeping a SECRET! (From the public).

    I found one line in this show indicative of the whole series right now, the essential underlying problem.

    Lex's major question for this episode? Is it "How will I kill Superman? Kryptonite, or by hurting the people he loves?" No. Is it "What's Clark's secret? How can I annihilate him for usurping my plans?" No. Is it "My father has to die so I can take my rightful place. How to do it?" No.

    Lex has been reduced to "Mr. Stegosaurus, or Mr. Duck?" played for comedy. Where's Otis? Is this, honest-to-god, the guy who was fencing so hard he threw the sword and almost hit Clark in the head for FUN?

    I'm astonished. It's been about three weeks with no knockouts.

    Lana wants everyone to think that they married for love, not because of the baby. Well, look, you know, I'm no professor of love, though I am a cunning linguist and a master debator, but I can count from one to nine, and when I see someone's been married for three months and then pops out a kid, I realize that it's none of my business either way, as do most. But, on the off chance that I would care, and condemn, as Lana seems to be worried about, I'm not going to be dissuaded from thinking it's about the baby just because she hid it until after they were married. Faulty plot logic. Faulty character logic.

    "Leap tall buildings", another phrase clichéd and cheapened by this show's tongue-in-cheek.

    Ah, gratuitious Lois nakidity. Rip her shirt off! Yeah! Shove her down like you're gonna give her the business!

    What, me saying that make you uncomfortable? Then realize my antagonism at having to see it constantly every week.

    People have sex. People have wild, fun, shirt-ripping sex.

    People also do nasty things to babies. Doesn't mean it belongs in a show unless there are VERY VERY good reasons for it, like anything. Clark shouldn't even be writing a letter unless the recipient is related to the object of desire. Period. That's good writing.*

    *Excepting absurdist stuff, as already noted.

    I actually heard the words "Anti-love exfoliant" before I barfed blood.

    Apparently, now green K negates red K. Why? Who knows. People writing at me tell me that it always has. We've not always been at war with Oceania, kids. Before, they used Green K to weaken Clark and knock him out to take the ring (remember the awful sledge to the ring shot?). Now, apparently a human exposed to green K negates the effects of red K on a human, with both Lois and Clark, despite not wiping the lipstick off on either case or kissing it off, etc.

    Jimmy's first second bowtie, too. If you don't remember, Chloe lost her virginity early to Jimmy Olsen, and described him as a bowtie guy. Later, he shows up, has no bowtie, and here Chloe gives him his "first" bowtie.

    Chloe is passive aggressive and annoying for the whole episode, not telling Clark she met with Lana, lying to Jimmy, and generally acting out of character. The reason being, they're telegraphing a reason for her to break it off with Jimmy arbitrarily this episode, which they promptly do. It holds no emotional weight because we don't know who Jimmy is, really, other than "He's there!" and because Chloe's relationship with him isn't serious beyond pecks on the cheeks and allusions to Yaris-whoopie.

    I've had that with one-night stands.

    The hippie knows Lois and Clark's name, and presumes to know their future. Because, you know, all herbalists know the future.

    No. All herbalists tend not to wear deodorant that works right and get mad at you when you're not in their chosen sign of boyfriend. Bah!

    Lana kept the engagement party secret from Clark. SECRETS!

    Lex line: "This couldn't be further from settlement!"

    Uh, okay. What, you need two kids to be settled? The very definition of settling down is marriage and a kid.

    Clark line, in his giant tirade: "You're more a Luthor than a Kent now, anyway!"

    He apologizes later, but it's fricking true. Clark essentially highlights everything that's wrong with the show, takes a bow, and then returns everything to how it was.

    How frustrating is that, huh?

    Clark throws Lex through a stack of glasses, he doesn't get a cut. His face has healed very well from the arrow, however. Sigh.

    Clark essentially KIDNAPS Lana, it's even alluded to later by Jimmy (who's right). Lex's security does nothing. Lex does nothing. They just walk out, and get a good, what, ten minute jump on all their pursuers? Yeah, that makes sense.

    And why? So we can have ANOTHER LOFT SCENE.

    Lana stands there, "I've been here hundreds of times, just asking for honesty."


    Clark kisses her, Lana kisses back.

    Of note is the fact that Clark is acting in the exact opposite of his character, which is pretty much wholly good. Lana is acting in character, she's not on drugs, and that means that she's making out with another man while pregnant with the other guy's baby on the eve of their engagement AFTER the man she's kissing throws the father of her child through a pile of glass and kidnaps her.

    Ladies and gentleman, here's to a positive female role model:

    Face it, Lana. You're Amazing. And Jor-El is soap.

    Clark calls Lex "The enemy." I didn't know that Lex had graduated from twisted to "The enemy." I think that happened when the Clark I know who believes in redemption suddenly gave up his idealism over a pain in the #@$ woman and became this character. Coincidentally, this also happened when certain key parts of Lex's anatomy were placed in a jar.

    He calls him "The one person I hated the most."

    Clark then outs the pregnancy, which is supposed to be incomparably cruel, but in reality is not that big a deal. It's something I've known some women to be paranoid and go nuts about while hormonal and pregnant, but honestly, no one gives a crap. Get over the fact that your pregnancy is no big deal to anyone but yourself, Lana. Or, if your hypothetical, real-life pregnancy is beloved to other people, if people will take joy or anger or fear in it, get it out there, you coward.

    I don't get it. It's happened before. Like, "Neal. We're pregnant. Don't tell anyone!" Like there's some giant conspiracy of revealing pregnancy, or like, when you tell someone that someone else is pregnant there's some social stigma. Maybe in 1950. Not now, even out of wedlock. That's part of the problem, I'd say.

    Regardless, my point is simply that without a reason for the moment to be epic to anyone beyond the neurotic and/or crazy, it's worthless to me.

    How soon will it be until Lana completely forgives Clark? I would put solid money on next week. Heck, remember last week? They made nice. Now this week they're hiding stuff from each other, forcing confrontations, etcetera.

    And hey, Lois is on K and basically Clark's love slave. He turns her down to be with Lana, what should she be doing, if this is Smallville?


    Yeah, that's right. She should be trying to kill Clark and anyone who gets in her way.

    They actually used special effects on the Kryptonite "healing" serum. Are you honestly telling me they needed an effect for a green mist, but they couldn't tack the end on that jump to Green Arrow's pad?


    Lex pulls a gun on Clark, Clark throws Lex through two walls (Gee, I guess that's not... uh...r evealing your identity), and begins choking him to death.

    Martha arrives, grabs Clark, and the two leave.

    Lex doesn't press charges.

    Lana doesn't press charges.

    Whatever. I give up.


    Martha uses the Kryptonite on Clark, then hides it. Clark is all better. But the red K lipstick would still be on his lips. Green K doesn't destroy red K.


    "Thank God the ink wears off in a week!" Seriously, Lois? I mean, I thought the tattoo itself was subtle, but how crafty, to create a permanent body modification in the plot that disappears after one week!

    The doctor appears and says, "Hey, the pregnancy is hunky-dory!" Then Lex asks, and he says that it's going okay for THIS KIND of pregnancy. DUN DUN DUUUUH!

    Something's strange with Lana's baby. TOLD you it was a demon!

    Anyway, in reality, my writer sense tells me that they'll make the baby Clark's, and use Kryptonian gestation as an out. If they do, that's somewhat creative. But honestly, the creativity of it doesn't make up for making Lana a mother out of wedlock committing pre-marriage adultry, Clark a homewrecker, and Lex a victim.

    And then, the final nail in the coffin, the Lex and Lana scene. Here it is, in a nutshell.

    Lex: You kissed Clark! You made out with another man while pregnant with my child and engaged to me!

    Lana: How DARE you pull a gun on Clark!

    Lex: Oh. I see your point.

    Oh, and Lana knows? Well, after six years and a hundred encounters, a bent tool...well, that figgered her out!

    1 of 5.


      MOVEMENT ONE: Lana

        I hope you die in a fire.

        Take your doe eyes and disappear

        Stop torturing Clark and suck it up,
        Sell some Neutrogena, it'll all be all right...

        No one's hiding aliens, you're crazy.

        When you turn your back and talk, it's annoying.
        Please stop it.

        Go get married and pop out your kid,
        Fly back to France and die in a fire

        Lana, please die.

      MOVEMENT 2: Clark Kent

        Clark Kent!
        Clark Kent!
        Two plus two is four!

        Clark Kent!
        Clark Kent!
        B comes after A!

        Clark Kent!
        Clark Kent!
        Don't trust evil

        What's this? We're already done with your song

        Go away.
        Go away!

      MOVEMENT 3: Cox and Janitor


      See now, Al/Miles, that's the thing you do that drives me up a tree
      'Cause no matter how I rant and rave the guests stars all are "Cs"
      So I'm stuck with all your has-beens, defaming Krypton's Last Son
      It makes me suicidal and I'm not the only one. No, I'm not the only one.

      It all started with Lois at Smallville's door-
      There was a hatred I had never felt before
      So now I'll make the guests pay,
      Each and every day-
      Until your neutrogena

      MOVEMENT 4: Chloe

        I like your cleavage!
        Leave Jimmy.
        I like your raincoat!
        (I'm the juggernaut)

      Movement 5: Jonathan Kent

        Jonathan Kent!
        Jonathan Kent!
        You're a ghost.
        You said it too much
        You're a ghost!

      Exuent: And a ripoff.

        (Green Day, Jesus of Suburbia)


    Mike wrote:
    Hey Neal,
    Just finished reading your review of the episode "Labyrinth" from Smallville. I have absolutely no criticisms about this review like I did with your last one. I think everything you had to say about this episode was dead on.

    Cool. Thanks.

    With that said, I do have some questions about this episode and since you're the only person I trust to give a quality review of this show I was wondering if you could give me an insight on them.

    Thank you. Cool compliment, man.

    Why would they make such an important and well-known character as the Martian Manhunter such a sidenote in this episode? I know he was in a previous episode but I missed that one, so I don't know if his appearance (or lack-off)had anything to do with that episode. I think this episode should have answered that question of just who is J'onn J'onzz.

    I think it's symptomatic of the fact that they used to give great weight to guest visits, and pay reverence to the icons they were playing with. Now they're just toys in the sandbox, for the most part. A shame, really, because Martian Manhunter, of ALL of the heroes who could potentially visit Clark in Smallville, is probably the one I think should get the most focus.

    Do you really think that they're going to go back to the whole Lana and Clark love-relationship?


    I know in the comic books Clark and Lana have become good friends as adults, don't you think the show should be taking more of a direction towards that in their relationship rather than revisiting the same storyline since season 1?

    Honestly, in the comics, Lana is pretty much like Lana in the comics is from 1992 when I started reading until just recently, with a story Rucka did. Generally speaking, she's stuck in "pine-mode." But Smallville, on the other hand, makes Clark the one pining for her and Lana the object of affection, whereas in the comics, Clark mans himself up and makes his own choices, being the hero and realizing there's a larger world where he's needed.

    I think in ALL ways, not just Lana, the show needs to get away from season one, and it still hasn't, really.

    And what's the deal with the shameful product placement? "here you can take my Yaris"? like c'mon! And also are we really supposed to believe that Chloe, a second year university student, can afford a brand new car like that, since only 2 seasons ago she was seen driving around in her brand new VW Beetle. Seiously, when are they going to have the episode where snipers take out Chloe? Episode 15? (I'll keep my fingers crossed).

    Personally, Chloe is the only reason I really keep watching, aside from Clark when he's on. Lex hasn't been on-character for more than three years, and Clark is patchy at best.

    Thanks a lot and look forward to next week's review,


    Patrick Beardsley wrote:
    Hi Neal,

    I read your response to my comments from last week's email. If you don't want to publish this I understand; I don't know if it qualifies for publishing b/c I'm not sure if it still pertains to the Superman universe and thus should not be included in your review. Communicate whichever way is easiest for you (by email or publishing, and I thank you for doing so).

    I publish all letters that are relevant. It'd be different if there were a print cost. Thankfully, there's not.

    You're quite right when pointing out that I didn't give a rationale for why I think Trumble's reviews are "bad." I think Trumble's reviews are less sophisticated and not as inciteful as yours, thus they are worse--perhaps not "bad." I will respond with a question; what is "bad" music? Well, if you really like it, then it isn't bad music b/c it's all relative. But, there has to be bad music and good music. Well who determines this? People who study music, its history, theories, evolution etc... How/why are these people able to determine what is bad to/for me (isn't it simply bad to/for them?). If I like it and think it is good, then it is. Why, why, why (so the child asks his parents)?--- At a certain point that's the way it is.

    Not really. I mean, there are essentially two ways, philosophically speaking, to define good and bad. Relativistically and objectively. One only works if you believe in a subject/object paradigm.

    BUT, the bottom line of both is that it's all subject to opinion. I could justify Jessica Simpson with that logic. It doesn't mean she's not crap on top of crap, though.

    However, that said, I see a clear line of delineation between Jessica Simpson and an argument you disagree with. When it comes down to it, insightful is just what you happen to agree with and believe is deep. If that's my review to you but not Doug's, cool, but that doesn't mean he's not insightful too, just maybe not the kind you prefer, make sense?

    I get letters from people saying I'm abysmal and not insightful because they disagree. I guess my point is, don't misconstrue a preference for an objective condemnation. They're just two different reviewing styles is all.

    I hope you rip this apart b/c I'm curious where and if the notion of relativtity ends. I know it may sound like I'm being elitist or have an irrational belief-- that I have some innate sense of "goodness, or sense" that other people don't (on par with racism), but, honestly, there is music that is freakin' horrible but, someone likes it, and to them it is good. But, really it sucks.

    If you want me to really knuckle into relativism and give you my insight into it, it might disappoint you. I'm philosophically a pragmatist, based largely in the teachings and essays of Richard Rorty, who I'm sure you've never heard of (most haven't) but who I greatly admire. His essential philosophy is that there's not an overarching absolute moral truth, or even a relativism, but rather that we should approach each problem with the tools required to crack it, and that reliance on any one set of beliefs leads to inevitable counter-examples and failures (as I understand it, anyway. I read a lot more philosophy than your average joe but not as much as professors, and without tutelage).

    The point of that being, in this case, I think it's just two different reviewing styles. When it comes to Danielle Steele vs. Me, though, I think I can say empirically that I show more creativity, dedication to craft, and a spirit of bohemia with a sense of absolute truth. So it depends.

    That might be considered yet another relativism, but right now, but that doesn't hurt pragmatism.

    And Smallville seems to suck it up the majority of the time.

    AGREED! Heh.

    (I'm still here b/c I do enjoy some parts of the show, in case you were wondering)

    Likewise, actually. Honestly, I wouldn't have been this patient had I not been reviewing it (not after this season, so far), but I still enjoyed Justice.

    Well, thanks for your time.

    No worries.

    Btw, I don't mean to be a jerk or seen as sarcastic by this remark so bear with me when I honestly ask, when you wrote, "I could care less about Anakin" and "And I could care less about Anakin's wooden acting" what you really meant is that you couldn't care less, right (again just wondering how I'm reading this, sincerely not trying to be nit picky, I know my grammar needs much improvement, just curious)?

    No, you're coolsville by me, Pat. I mean, honestly, part of philosophy is that disassociation, and please understand that though I may refute a given point, it never implies a malice.

    When I said that, however, I basically meant that Anakin's fall isn't what made that movie intriguing to me, it was the power behind the power. Anakin's fall is a foregone conclusion, and thus no matter how they did it, his choice to switch sides would fall flat (Mostly because it's, irony of ironies, a flat choice of one absolute moral truth to another, a philosophy the extended universe novels take great joy at picking nuance into, and surprisingly well.) unless they made Palpatine's offer worthwhile, which I think they did.

    As for "I pledge myself to your teachings!" it's pretty obviously a guy selling his soul to the proverbial Satan in exchange for worldly flesh desires. I dig it. Not the action, the tragedy of it.


    Have you seen the Chad Vader series of videos (saw them on you tube, funny)?

    Nay! But I will check them out.

    Steve wrote:
    Just wanted to start off by saying I always enjoy your reviews.


    I wait in desperate anticipation for the days between an episodes air and your reviews. That said, my question has nothing really to do with Smallville.

    Cool as well. Smallville questions, I got a million of.

    Did you see the Aquaman pilot on iTunes? And if you did catch it, what did you think of it?

    I, uh, downloaded it legally to my iPod, then never found the time to watch it. Honestly, right now I'm more concerned with my two pending novel revisions and the new novel, and I'm moving away from television unless I'm running on my treadmill while watching.

    Jim Smith wrote:

    I have to say the one good thing about this episode, I did not want something to crush Lana. The bitter hateful evil Lana that we have seen the last few years was not in this episode. It was kinda nice. That being said, I don't think they were being "friends" at the end so much as behaving like civil adults.

    Hah! Then look at this week.

    "That sound like a young Superman to you?"

    No, it sounds like a wall pounding hero gone bad from last summer's big world smashing event in the comics. Doesn't matter though, because Jor-el is soap.

    Antibacterial, buddy!


    Ok, you are on to something. Just saying it makes me smile. Even if it reminds me of "Fight Club". Nice review Mr. Bailey, first time in a long while you have made me laugh.

    Oh, I could make you laugh twice. I am Jack's sense of humor.

    Until next time...

    Jim Smith


    thebrakeman wrote:
    You said that there was not even a hint of muffled barking before Clark said, "Shelby? I'm still in the barn". Not so. My wife kept asking me thru the whole dream sequence, "What's that noise?" I thought she was hearing the kids, and said I didn't know. But after Clark said what he did, I rewound it like you did, and there is a faint garbled barking going on. I think it's digitally altered. But if you rewind the dream sequence, you hear it periodically!

    I tried. My speakers didn't give even a hint of it, but I believe it being there or not wouldn't essentially change the episode much. Clark is still choking a guy to death.

    Radical Dreamer wrote:
    Hey Neil, your article is a welcome level of depth to a shallow show.

    Thank you.

    Anyway, in your review of Labyrinth you said:
    "No, instead, it's Shelby that brings Clark back. I had to rewind it and turn the captioning on to hear the mumbled line, but he says, "Shelby? I'm still in the barn!"
    This though we don't see Shelby, and though there's no indication that he sees or hears Shelby in any way. Not even a faint bark that I caught."

    I ask you to watch that scene again, with your sound up, starting at the doctors line "There's no need to be afraid Clark, the procedure's quite painless." After that, you hear 3 things on the sound track 1) Music 2) Voices and sound effects 3) a repeated "wam bamm bamm bamm " sound effect. That sound effect happens 3 times over the scene. The last time it happens, the final "bam" is sped up. And sound a lot like a "woof" to me. And to Clark too it seems. For he says "Shelby? I'm still in the barn!" Aka, the "wam bamm bamm bamm " sound is a dogs barking slowed down. We just assumed it was ambient "music." Apparently however, Clark was able to hear it too... even though he gave no sign of hearing it until that moment. Still, this was my favorite part of the episode, not only due to my love of Shelby, but because I was tricked by a sound engineer. Gotta give those guys props.

    I dunno. If there's so many people confused by it, that's more a sticking point. You're not supposed to notice the effects, it's supposed to be seamless.

    Also, I was suprised you didn't mention the scene where Clark is chased by the Luthor guards. I mean, after all, he IS part of the family (since Martha and Lionel got hitched) and they ARE trying to shoot him as opposed to protect him. Even in a dream world, and even if the character accepts it as real, you gotta follow a little logic. You don't kill the family of your boss... kinda thought this was in the bodyguard handbook.


    And finally, "Superman" took the chance that he was dreaming and killed a man. I don't care weather he believed what was going on or not. I find it hard to believe that Superman would even chance it, no matter how BS the world seemed. I mean, for every time in his life its been a dream, there's as many times that he's being mind tricked to do something evil in the real world (like with Maxwell Lord). Of course, maybe I'm confusing Superman with Smallville a little too much.

    100% with you.

    Also, I think we found "The Lana Chloe Knows" or at least "The Lana who knows 'The Lana Chloe Knows'" hiding in this episode.

    For about ten seconds.

    One last, non-smallville question. I love your review of "Up Up and Away Part 5" (Superman #653) but I was wondering how you felt about the final issue and the story as a whole (since Nick Newman reviewed the final chapter and not you).

    Removed from it by months and with context, now, I wish it had continued. I bought the trade, and I love the story cover to cover, for the most part. It's one of my favorite Superman stories of all time, and I wish they'd get another stinking issue out, because this wait is ridiculous.

    Anyway, peace, keep the video reviews coming and keep looking up.
    ~Radical Dreamer~


    P.S. Sorry for the spelling errors and/or words/letters left out. I can't proofread my own writing to save my life.

    No worries. I'm no pedant unless angry.

    Parker aka Planet-man wrote:
    Were you as disappointed as I was with the total lack of David Bowie in last week's episode? I mean, come on. They called it "Labyrinth"... was it wrong of me to just naturally assume the episode would mostly consist of David Bowie(reprising his classic role as Jareth the Goblin King) coming out of the Phantom Zone and spectacularly duking it out with Clark for 40 minutes?

    As long as Jennifer Connelly pre-getting older was all up in it, I'd be fine with it. Have you ever seen Career Opportunities? MY GOD. Jennifer Connelly is a goddess.

    David Bowie is just a dude with a chick's haircut.

    Definitely one of your better reviews this season. I liked that you made sure to mention that the plot was well-worn territory for the show, but didn't use that as an excuse to tear the entire thing apart. I was also pleasantly surprised that you didn't instantly "one" the episode because of Clana's return, which even I was tempted to do.

    All things in context. I go with the gut. Like Bill O'Reilly, but without equivocation and lies.

    All in all I liked the ep a lot, even though it suffered from a bad case of Bowie-lessness.

    True dat.

    marklar wrote:
    Hey neal,
    In your last review u said that u didnt see what shelby had to do with clark snapping out of it, but I was watching the episode with headphones (on my computer), and if u make it loud enough u can hear a faint barking mixed in with the other sounds. do that, I'd have to ILLEGALLY DOWNLOAD the episodes, which of course, I never do and don't recommend you do on Bittorrent as a precursor to buying the season discs.

    Ami wrote:
    Hi Neal! :)

    Hey, Ami!

    This will prolly be short b/c I'm trying to forget as much about this episode as possible.

    "So you're saying I want to kiss Lois, keep Chloe in my back pocket but I'm still in love with Lana?"

    Actually that's about the whole series right there XD


    Wow... I rly didn't like this episode. XD

    Is it just me or was this episode like.. a combination of a bunch of previous episodes?

    Along with a repeat of episodes they've already done.

    It was just so stupid! And Clark was under Red K, what's Lois' excuse? She was just in love, why was she also doing the bad girl thing? :O

    Because sex sells.

    And... now Lex is planning some crazy special baby with Lana? o_O

    It's a demon. Mark me now, it will have HORNS!

    I'm shocked that everybody doesn't know Clark has powers now...

    They would in any plausible reality.

    I rly didn't like that line from Jimmy about how he's never seen Lois act like a girl before. :| First b/c Lois (in this series neways) doesn't seem to act un girlish in neway. Secondly, he's implying that by being weepy over a guy, she's now finally "acting like a girl". :O

    Yep. Kinda condescending, huh?

    *bangs head* Actually I dun have much to say. It was just a bad episode. .;;;

    And how convenient that Lois lost ALL her memory from that XD

    Neways, I'm interested to see what you say about it. :O

    - Ami :)

    Hope you liked it!

    Bruce Kanin wrote:


  • This is an unbelievably hard episode to rate. On one hand, it defied credibility, being so un-original - and - Clark's damaging and public actions being all but swept under the rug, like so many times before, like they didn't happen. On the other hand, for some reason, I couldn't help being thoroughly entertained. Despite the bad elements, and against my better judgment, I give it a B-.


  • It was inevitable that the series would do a "Lois & Clark" themed episode. While Lois doesn't belong in Smallville or on "Smallville", and while Lois & Clark shouldn't be teaming up this soon, it was all a result of Red K, and, in the end, for me, an enjoyable contrivance, even though things turned ugly.
  • Speaking of ugly - but still in the category of "the good" - Clark's Red K-induced blabbering about his mom, Lex, Lana, Chloe, etc. was, well, refreshing. It was nasty stuff, but it was a hell of a lot better than the blandness that this show has often exhibited. It was kind of like Jim Carrey in "Liar, Liar"!
  • The "Smallville" premier of the Jimmy Olsen bow tie, courtesy of Chloe!
  • Clark's leap with Lois from the Daily Planet to the Arrow Penthouse (well, it can't be called the Arrow Cave) was breathtaking. I almost thought he was flying, but, to paraphrase Lois who was channeling the intro to the George Reeves "Adventures of Superman", Clark was only leaping a tall building (not flying). Cool stuff. Two images came to mind: Lois & Superman flying together in the first Superman movie, and, Lois & Clark floating off of a building in Kurt Busiek's "Superman: Secret Identity". Of course, that Lois was an Indian woman who became Mrs. Kent, and that Clark was not from Krypton. But I digress...
  • The break-up of Chloe and Jimmy was a shame, but a good scene, because it once again put Clark in the middle of it all. Clark needs to leave Smallville and tour the world - he's causing too much trouble!
  • Annette O'Toole was good near the end, giving Clark the "tough love" speech.


  • The freak of the week - once again - but this time spawned by red meteor rocks, which are supposed to be rare. Ugh! Somebody "save me" (get it?).
  • How did the Smallville witch lady know that Lois's name was Lois and that Lois had set her sights on Clark? She mentions both their names to Jimmy.
  • As mentioned, this plot has been done before, and more than once. Very un-original. And worse...
  • mentioned, Clark does a lot of horrible things that are seemingly swept under the rug. By now, people should think that he's a pretty bad guy, considering his past outbursts. To me, this is a huge defect, one that the writers just gloss over. At least they're consistent - they do this all the time.


  • So the Man from Mars is given a nickname, and here we have the world TV premier of - the Martian Manhunter's name, courtesy of Chloe.
  • Lana sees and then somehow gets hold of that farm instrument which crumpled against Clark's body. Apparently it becomes a plot point next week. I wonder if Clark will finally reveal his secret ID to her, in exchange for having her not marry Lex. But that can't be, because she apparently is going to marry Lex, according to all I've read elsewhere. Intriguing...just in time for the February sweeps.
  • Say, did you notice that the farm instrument that Lana has is wrapped up in a very Superman-crap red-like blankie?
  • At the end, Lex makes a comment to Lana that he doesn't know what he'd do if Lana slipped through his fingers (the way Clark let her slip away). Was that meant for Lana - threatening her if she backed out?
  • And what's the deal with the baby? The doctor says "not your typical pregnancy". Intriguing, I guess. Is she going to give birth to a Bizarro?
  • Loved the fake cow fart in the ad for "Beauty and the Geek".


  • See above. Didn't look bad - but they didn't show all that much.
    Bruce Kanin

    Heh. Saw that fake cow fart myself. Honestly, we mostly agree, your gut just went a different way. See, folks? That's a clear example of how gut can change things.

    Colleen wrote:
    Dear Neal,

    I love your reviews and have been reading them for a while now. I'm going to take a wild guess and say that you found tonight's episode as frustrating as I did. I was never crazy about Lana from the very beginning (oh so popular, but never really seen with any friends--and the whole "cheerleading is my whole personality--I have to discover myself again!" thing that made me want to throw up for the first two seasons)but I tolerated her.

    Good guess, and I agree.

    CW needs to have a viewer vote on who should be killed off of Smallville. I think Lana would bring home the win with at least 99% and this marketing ploy might bring some of the lost sheep home. As much as I want Lana to either die or move to her ancestral witchy home in France permanantly, I think they need to be very careful on how they pull off her demise. After sitting through countless hours of having Lana shoved down my throat, they at least need to make her death tasteful and moving to at least justify the last six years. And, I'm going to guess childbirth trama/Clark and Lex angst to follow..

    They'll never kill a hot chick on a major show. I've never seen it happen in any show. Only Tasha Yars die. Seven of Nine is invincible. As is Lana.

    Or just make her totally evil. Completely evil. Because by now we all know that Lana has it in her to strangle kittens and burn down orphanages and she could be Lex's accomplice (because apparently he's evil now too, although we haven't seen anything REALLY bad that he's done--33.1 doesn't count in my books--if I've been attacked and robbed as many times as Lex has been by super-powered individuals, I'd be starting my own army if I had the resources too). Lana is a far more despicable person than Lex. And I kind of buy their romance. 1. Face it, she's amazing. 2. Lex desperately wants a friend and somehow thinks Lana is it. 3. No matter what horrific selfish acts Lana commits week after week, she comes off smelling like roses. If I was going to take a walk on the dark side, it would probably be helpful to have her around. She could deal with the cops.

    I'll buy the "Lex is lonely" angle. But that doesn't explain why he stopped acting like Lex in every way.

    The whole back and forth Lana/Clark thing is just disgusting. This is not Superman--he's Superjerk. I don't buy the Red K thing either--this is a plot device that has never worked. It MIGHT have worked if they showed Clark struggling against the effects or trapped in his own mind desperately trying to break free, but they don't.

    Yeah, with you.

    Furthermore, refresh my memory, what was the big break between Lex and Clark? Because I don't really remember one. They teased back and forth forever--one episode Clark was mad at Lex, and the next buddies again. And I also don't remember Lex ever being totally caught in the wrong by Clark, because Clark would go busting through the mansion to have one of his conniption fits.

    Last week they were best friends. Other than that, it's mainly been Clark insinuating he's doing things when Lex is not.

    Martha and Lionel? Also a bad move by Smallville writers, but I have become wearily okay with it. Ever since the body switch in jail with Clark and Lionel, I have just kind of gone along with the idea of "okay, Lionel is good now". Still, I don't watch Smallville for this awkward garbage. It would be way cooler if Martha as a US Senator/State Senator/whatever used her contacts in the government to identify threats to mankind and send her son to save the world/US/etc. Example:

    Senator Martha: What officer? There's been a breach in security and the president has been kidnapped? Yes, of course I'll evacuate the building. Let me just call my son on my new blackberry/fancy cell phone so he won't worry.


    And then you have an episode. As for Lionel, yes he tried to kill Chloe and she's obviously gotten over that--but what about the agents guarding her that were murdered by his assassin? What about their vengeful family members. If Lionel is so good now, they need to show him trying to make amends for all his evil actions, and showing him escorting Martha to some charity ball is not sufficient.

    Which is why I don't buy it...exactly.

    Instead we get Lois and magical Red K lipstick. When Clark "kidnaps" Lana at the reception, Lois pretty much just sat there. The same woman who got a huge Lois & Clark tattoo on her breast. I was expecting her to attack Lana or Clark or be violently proactive becuase that's how her character has always been before, but no....

    And that was inconsistent. I agree.

    And Chloe and Jimmy? I never was really into that pairing either. I'm kind of glad that's over, but now there's really no one there for her. Frankly, she's the only reason this show is even watcheable. If she dies, that will be it for me. She's the true hero of the show--making constant personal sacrifices, available for help at anytime, almost always tries to do the right thing--and gets very little recognition in return. Clark gets his ego puffed all the time by her and Martha (and probably Lionel too)--Chloe just gets her devotion to Clark thrown in her face. Clark has consistently taken the easiest path or done absolutely nothing unless he was forced too, while Chloe actually seeks out trouble or tries to rectify wrongs. Makes her more of a hero in my books.

    THE hero, actually.

    I don't blame the cast--HOWEVER, you would think that they would have some influence with the writers/bigwigs--I mainly, like you, blame the writers. They need to get with the program. But my hopes are pretty much shattered after seeing next week's promos. SECRETS and LIES CCXII!

    I'm pretty sure after six years the cast has some input into character direction. I would guess, anyway.

    Sara wrote:
    Hey gorgeous writer boy!

    Yo, Sara!

    I'm behind again. What can I do?!?

    Watch out for the monster who takes the person who's behind.

    For Hydro:

    I knew Tori Spelling was going to be the death knoll for this episode. if not the series. What were they thinking!

    STAR POWER! (Jazz hands).

    I don't think you were maybe too easy on them in the beginning. I think that in the beginning, it was all new and fresh and fabulous. But then as the episodes started to suck more and jumping the shark became a weekly occurrence, even those die-hard Superman fans are starting to detest the show. For example, it used to be that I'd watch them almost as soon as they came out. But this week, it hasn't bothered me so much that I didn't see it right away. other than I couldn't join in on the chat. (Did anything fun happen?) I mean, life happens, but I wasn't stressing about it. Maybe it was Tori's fault, but I'm more likely to blame Al & Miles. It's their bad oversight on what could be an awesome series that's killing it.

    Also, in the beginning, the response wasn't nearly what it is now.

    Still p!ssy about Lois still being on Smallville, but I've said that enough, so for this episode, I'm done.

    Oh and Tom directed this one? How sad!!!

    I just noticed that Chloe just said she was a reporter. but she would have said that even if she wasn't working for the Planet. (Can you be a "reporter" and just do the obits?) The other thing about asking another reporter to make copies for you is that they can steal your story. They could steal it out from under you. Discover a different and better angle to do the story from and then suddenly you're crap. I don't care if Chloe's an intern/reporter/peon #432. You just don't do it. And if she's that "famous", she'd have an assistant.

    True, at that. Heck, even less famous people who are paid well can afford assistants.

    I have to cry bullsh$# on the opening scene. Not only was the steroid angle is so 2 years ago (Seriously!), but while he *said* she'd ruined enough lives, he didn't pull a gun, a knife, anything to make her run. And while I know that taking steroids decreases your brain size (as well as something else), he should have known that, in normal circumstances, chasing after someone that's just "ruined your life" and has a cell phone (Did you notice she dropped her purse? Good thing she has a cush job 'cause she's gonna' have to replace everything in it.) means your headed for a stint in jail. even if it's only overnight so you can "cool down".

    It was very contrived.

    The thing with Lana needs to stop like 42 months ago. She's been p!ssy and moaning about Clark and how he doesn't trust her and how it's all SECRET AND LIES with him, but that she still has feelings for him?!? Suga-Wha??? She's been a biatch for 2 years and now she "still has feelings for him"?!? I'm gonna' be sick. Seriously!

    What happened to "No more secrets! No more lies!" a year ago?

    How can you traumatize water? Are we talking about drinking it or boiling it? Because cutting it just isn't going to work. Plus, her fitting into a water bottle isn't right. Even the cartoon Wonder Twin had to have a BUCKET!!! She could have just watertized under the ever present drawer section of most desks. Or three desks away at an empty workstation. To have them insist she's in a water bottle. Well, I'm more irritable than before now!

    I found it funny, thus the vid.

    Why would Jimmy bring them to LOIS?!? Isn't Chloe his girlfriend? If he's got an inside scoop on the story, wouldn't he go to her? And I'm not surprised the Lois doesn't pay him. Her character is totally played as expectant that people will just give her things. and no one has fixed that error because they continually do just give her stuff! I'm glad that Chloe got ticked when Clark told her. (And Chloe insta-forgave him. What B.S.! I guess it allows Chloe to know who G.A. is. The next scene where she's giving Clark crap is FABULOUS! Seriously!!!)

    I liked it.

    I'll give you a guy. Donald Trump. Hello? Have you heard the arbitrary drama between him and Rosie O'Donnell? But you're right. In a major newspaper, it would never ever ever be considered front page news. Maybe front page of the gossip section, but that's it. It totally cracked me up, though, that when Chloe first saw it (although why Section B is the first thing she turns to is totally beyond me), Clark walks up. Totally tickled my funny bone.

    Trump's wife's name is Ivanka, right? What's her cup size? How old is she? No one really knows unless they're a fanatic. Angelina Jolie, however, is my age and...well, I'll stop there.

    Why is there "no going back" if Lana marries Lex? Is there not such a thing as D-I-V-O-R-C-E? Lex seemed fairly calm about the article, though. Shit that means he's the perfect boyfriend. And then Clark goes in there all stary-eyed? What did he really think Lana was going to do? And of course Lex was going to come in. And why is the revelation of her pregnancy supposed to be such a *shocking* moment? If it had been me looking for a reason why Lex proposed to Lana, I would have assumed that her being knocked up would be the #1 reason.


    And in Smallville, they don't care about Clark's secret identity. If they had, he'd be in glasses right now. After all, I know that he's not actively superheroing, but he's enough in the limelight and in the thick of conflicts. Not only that, but if he thinks Lex really is an evil entity that he's going to have to stop eventually, he's going to have to come up with a plausible reason to get those glasses on his face. I don't care if the PTB thinks they "ruin" his good looks. They need to get this stuff GOING already!!!


    Hugh Jackman. Sigh! I love that man!!!

    I like him as Wolverine. I don't think I can recall anything else he's done that held my attention.

    Good thing I'm neither too pretty or without flaw, right? ZOMG! I just had to. Seriously!!!

    I find that pretty and smart are inversely proportionate most of the time. But in drama, pretty equals smart. How weird a dichotomy, eh?

    Perhaps Lex went to Tori because she was the one to break the story. However, if all concerned thought that Chloe had leaked the story (and why they would assume that NOW I'll never understand), then why didn't he go directly to her, do not pass GO, do not collect $200??? And he gives a blank check? F*** that!

    Hah! Yes.

    And there's a yoga scene to get the pretty pair all naked. Great. And I have to say that in "Justice", Lois accuses him of always running out on her when it's starting to get hot and heavy, but what is she doing there?!? And even better, she always carries the pictures with her? And another point of fact, Oliver's cut was much longer than the pic of G.A.'s!

    OK, the scene with Lois & Clark p!ssed me straight off. She says that keeping secrets is "a big loophole in the 'Thou Shalt Not Lie' clause"?!? And not asking Oliver straight away if he's G.A. is what? Open and honest communication? It was absolutely just a scene to make Clark squirm, which totally didn't belong there. And why is she telling CLARK?!? She drove all the way back from Metropolis to Smallville (while her paper job is in Metropolis) to tell him? What is wrong with all the f***in' cell phones? Do they not work in Metropolis?!? And she just LIED to Clark saying she didn't want to go to Oliver until she had definitive proof because you know the FIRST thing she'll do is publish the story. And why would Clark help her? She's nothing but a brat to him. If it was Chloe, he would have been all over it.

    Pretty much, yeah.

    I'm also extremely glad that Chloe didn't just roll over when she read him the riot act for getting all self-righteous with her holding back the preggers secret. Oy! And why in the world did Tori follow *Chloe* home? Sure, that's where she got her first scoop on the Luthor-Lang-Kent triangle, but after the story was blown open wide, did she really thing she'd get more scoop with Lana or Lex coming to Chloe? Or is that because Lex hired her to find out everything she could about Clark? But then the question remains, why was she in Chloe & Lois's apartment? She should have been at the barn. And if she "followed" Clark to that Talon, is water speed now as fast as Clark? There was no reason for her to be in that apartment. Not only that, but Chloe had just gotten home and Clark was there before her. Who in the world was running a bath?!? I suppose it could have been Lois because her purse was in the room, but would they really have a loud argument with Chloe revealing the alien secret with Lois not hardly a room away?!? (OK, LOVED Clark's "interplanetary traveler" line. Almost peed my pants there.) And why would Tori reform while they're in the room?!? Argh!!!!

    (Water gurgling sound)

    Lana seriously insta-forgives Chloe? I'm gonna' hurl. And Lana asks how much *her* life boosts paper sales when in fact, if she had a brain in her head (like Lex insists she has), wouldn't she know that it's *LEX'S* personal life?!? Hello?!? And "What other explanation is there?" Are you kidding me??? Ummmm. Just off the top of my head. Another reporter at the Planet where they were talking *heard* her?!? Oh, but the room *looked* empty. What the. I could just. I'm gonna' kill myself. no Lana. no bring me a puppy, a kitty and a baby baboon STAT! If Chloe wasn't in this scene, I would totally fast-forward through it.

    Monkeybella, you've been called.

    It sounds like the mugging scene is a rip off of "Vengeance" where Clark was "mugging" Chloe to draw out the Dark Angel or whatever her name was. Oh, she's just an idiot. Great. Cracked me up that her lie became truth, though. And if she's supposed to be soooooo observant, wouldn't she be able to tell he was fumbling with his arrows? And I have to say that I honestly believe the hit (while not excusable) was because she was trying to play off to Oliver that G.A. had kissed her first. "I *have* a boyfriend!" I'm just glad that Clark's eyes didn't go "I'm so horny" red after. The smirk was nauseating enough for me.

    You're right, that was the reason.

    My other note about the pneumatic nail guns is that they now have that safety feature where they have to be pressed down onto something before the nail is released. So unless Chloe just stood there and let Chloe press the gun to her temple so she can fire it, it's an even stupider weapon than normal. Wow! They don't make those newspaper dispensers as tough as Chloe's head? She went through the glass and didn't have a scratch! It was such a girl fight. I can't believe that they thought Linda died because her water body exploded when hit by a car. (I'm ignoring that Lana should have felt guilt for hitting another person and for killing another person. It's not worth getting worked up about at this point.) I suppose if her water body is spread over too large an area, she couldn't recombine. But why would Chloe automatically assume she was "gone"? And why would Chloe think that smashing Tori's computer would stop the Clark story? From what I understand, most businesses anymore are on a network. If I was a "star" reporter, I wouldn't keep that important a story just on my hard drive. Oh, well, at least they showed Linda oozing into the sewer. That makes me feel better.

    You're actually right there. Even compressor nail guns have a guard. You can pull it back and shoot at people (more fun than jumping off a roof, especially with children) but Tori didn't.

    You can only see the OQ Chronicles with a cell phone? And a video cell phone at that! F%$K! I'm NEVER GOING TO SEE THEM!!!

    They will apparently be made available online, I was told, but not straight away.

    It's annoying that they play the Lana demanding Clark's secret of Chloe. After all, she would pitch a f%$&ing fit if Chloe told Clark all of Lana's secrets. And isn't the big thing that Chloe is friend to both and can't share the others' secrets or suddenly be friend to neither? And for Lana to be p!ssy about it, while it is par for the course, it's making me angry. And you don't want to see me angry. It's driving me crazy, but what can you do? That's how they love to write Lana. And if I was Chloe, my friendship with her would be curtailed. It's the same crap as what she called Clark on. She should have called Lana on it to. F#%$! And her anger at Chloe knowing Clark's secret really puts her immediate going to Clark to talk about the newspaper situation extremely in the manipulative area. For all we know, it was all a ruse. a ruse to find out Clark's secret.

    And likely was. Her character is probably the single most aggravating I've ever seen on television. Seriously.

    Barn scene with Lana & Clark: #1 - Why would *Clark* be the first one she'd want to tell about he proposal. #2 - Why, even if they're not talking, is he still a part of her life? Didn't she make it pretty clear a number of times that she wanted absolutely nothing to do with him? #3 - Why would he "just trust" her? And then she tries to make him feel guilty by not allowing her the same "respect" of acknowledging that she might regret the past. Her demand to know his secret doesn't really show much "regret", does it? And she doesn't acknowledge that giving up someone you really care about because it would be breaking up a starting family isn't noble. No, that's just creepy, Clark. You should know better than to try and treat her with respect! Come on!!! At least Clark said he hoped she was happy with Lex. After all, it's more than she deserves!

    It's all very emotional and five-year-olds.

    It seems somehow right that the last scene of that crap episode is that Lana accepts Lex's marriage proposal. (Lana is "so good"?!? I'm going to vomit!) Because it's total and utter crap!


    For Justice:

    I agree with you that it wasn't especially a surprising episode. Everything was fairly predictable and we knew everyone was coming back for this. I'll be interested to see if they return. I mean, that's a big piece of continuity they could use, but they never bother to do. unlike with the totally inappropriate mainstay of Lois, but I digress. They could use some of the heroes or other characters we see, but they disappear. never to be seen again. I think that's an absolutely criminal waste of resources.

    I think the finale will hit it.

    I've noticed that you spend a lot of time "excusing" your reviews. There's no need. Those of your faithful readers know that you're critical of this show because you love Superman and loved Smallville. Those that don't are going to bitch at you either way, so don't cater to them. You know we love you! ;D

    You know, it's not honestly even about the whiners. It's more because I like to be thorough. I'm justifying what I say to myself more than anyone else. I've long since, for at least eight years now, stopped giving a crap what anybody really thinks of my writing. I follow my nose, and if people like it, good, if not, suck eggs.

    P.S. I have high hopes for next week's episode. I mean, it's totally been done and is a rip-off of other shows ("Buffy" comes to mind), but the trailers and the director's cut video gives me high hopes. But did you notice that they've recast MM? Hmmm. Now we get the token black guy who I first noticed in the last decade or so incarnation of "Mission: Impossible" TV show. (Why, oh why, do I have such a wealth of worthless media knowledge in my head?!?)

    I didn't see the first one's face. Honestly, a black Martian Manhunter sounds coolsville by me. Drag a little diversity into this very cornfed show.

    I don't know if you remember, but during "Zod", Lionel told Martha, Chloe and Clark that Jor-El was no longer with him and that he doesn't have access to a lot of the knowledge he did before. And then at the end, he's reading Kryptonian like it's a "See Dick Run" book. He's *not* trustworthy. Come on, people! Seriously now!!!


    I was irritated by the distrust of Clark to Bart. As you said, they did end on a high note. Bart almost got killed to save Lex, after all. What the heck! And Clark, in that episode, was tempted to go traveling with Bart for awhile. But he comes back and it's all "What do you want? I don't trust you." No wonder Bart looked hurt and surprised. I woulda' been! At least the courier idea was a plausible cover. I mean, talk about working to your strengths!

    Personally, I think they send Impulse instead of Cyborg because technically he can get in and out in nearly the blink of an eye, with only time taken to download harddrive to flash drive. (P.S. That must be one helluva huge flash drive. Nowadays, computers are well over 4 GB, which is the largest flash drive that looked like that was at.)

    Flash drive! I get it! Heh.

    The cliché was bad. Uber-bad. It made me wince.

    Here's a possible justification for Clark not asking the JL-ers for help. The Zoners have his powers. He is, by far, the most powerful of the superheroes we've yet to see on the show. If they're his friends or he thinks of them as such, he would want to protect them. Maybe that's why he insists on doing that alone?!?

    True, but then, those guys are all in the running for that line of work...

    The whole thing about everyone thinking Lex is "evil" is right on a par with you. I know they want to do the whole Lex is evil thing, but their doing it so half-a$$ed. The only reason why Clark believes he's such a bad guy is because he couldn't let the Clark mystery go when asked, he involuntarily turned into Zod, and he stole his ex-girlfriend. Oy!

    GUILTY! Send him to the PZ.

    I hope you're wrong about the Chloe bit. I like her character. I want her to survive longer. For a long time, she's been a shining light in this series for awhile. Oh, sure. They give her shit lines occasionally, but she's the sane one in a world full of sanity. But considering she's usually the one I rely on for logic and smarts, why didn't *she* suggest to Clark a rudimentary disguise.

    She lives! I am beneficent, lo.

    And writing the above, I had a thought. Maybe the reason why Clark doesn't feel like he needs a disguise at LuthorCorp is because he's always in there. It doesn't matter if he and Lex are friends, he is *always* at the mansion. in various factories. generally sticking his nose in Lex's business. As much as it seems suspicious and Lex points it out, Lex should never be surprised to see Clark there.

    That too.

    Speaking of Kryptonite (not me. I'm talking about you talking about it in your review.), I found it very amusing that it was liquid Kryptonite slowly flowing toward him and he has to edge away from it. It was so very Austin Powers. (Easily escapable death trap)

    I'm convinced it has no real effect, he just wants an excuse to let his friends save him. It's that whole medical condition where you need attention.

    The arbitrary drama only should have designated this a soap opera forever ago.

    For Labyrinth:

    You still hope because you're a closet optimist. Silly boy.

    Oh, I'm a kitchen optimist. I eat it up.

    I've decided that for this episode, unless something really drives me crazy, I'm going to just comment on you. because that's why I read your review, after all!


    OK, they made Lana this breathy, incredibly unbelievable devoted girlfriend. And Nell would buy the Kent farm? Why???

    Land, Miss Tessmacher. Land. It's the only thing they're not making any more of.

    Ewww! They actually had Martha marry Lionel?!? Good Lionel or Bad Lionel?!?

    WOW! AWESOME scene between Clark & Lex!

    A big drill to the temple where the orderlies have to hold you down is "painless"? And Lana doesn't mind watching, with a smile no less, the man she "loves" getting a drill to his temple? Ummmm. Yeah.

    I tell the kids that it doesn't hurt. But they always scream.

    Funny tidbit. Chloe's hair is the same in the "dream" as it is in reality. Considering her hair is always different, that generated a chuckle or two from me.

    You're working with THEM!

    What is the PTB's problem with making Clark a killer? It's like "What can we do to heighten the drama? Make Clark kill or blow something up! Yeah, that's the ticket!!!" Oy! (Did you notice in the "treatment" scene that he has his Phantom Zone chapped lips again?)

    No...but interesting.

    Clark and his relationships with the women on this show make me ill. Truly. (The subliminal message here is Clark should never ever ever trust Lana because she will be his downfall. Of course, that's not the tact they take, but it's true none the less.) And if he hadn't just said that even though he would have given up everything to be with Lana and still loves her, he's all flirty McFlirty with Chloe? Rat BA$T@RD! And that rat b@sta@d is compounded by his actually telling Lana that he dreamed they were engaged when he knows for a fact 'cause it came from bitch's mouth that she still his loves him. Great work, Clark.

    And this episode's video was crazy. Good work!

    Thanks. What did you think of this week's opera, huh? Look out Green Day.

    Well, there are all my comments. Long and drawn out as they are. You keep doing your thing, baby, and I'll keep reading!


    Thanks, as ever.

    See you all next week, if I don't drop dead from yet another Lana stalker episode. And don't forget to check out the updated KO Count.



    Reviewed by: Douglas Trumble

    This episode should have been titled "Bi-polar". Talk about mood swings. Oiye!

    One minute I am grinning from ear to ear enjoying the heck out of the episode and the next I want to throw my Kool-Aid at the TV. Then BAM! A neat little twist is tossed my way at the end and I find myself grinning again. Mood swings galore!

    So I have no clue what to think. First of all let me say I hate when Clark is out of control. Man do I hate it. When he was Super-jerk Clark I found myself angry. Yes throwing Kool-Aid angry. I did not like what he was doing. It was almost painful to watch. I thought they took the whole Lana rage thing too far, especially when he dragged her out of the room.

    Then I was thinking about it while I was trying to form my thoughts for this review and it hit me like a brick. Clark was absolutely right about everything he said! Sure. One could argue that his tact could use some work but there was nothing he said that was not 100% truthful.

    Lex is playing Lana for a trophy and may have actually caused the pregnancy in an attempt to sway Lana or to "seal the deal" as Lex put it. Lana does still have feelings for Clark that need to be sorted out before she can marry anyone. Martha has been too close to Lionel. (I have said almost the exact same things as Clark did in past reviews.) Chloe should be trying to talk sense into Lana about Lex. She was with the Justice League and knows what Lex is doing with 33.1 and she's actually going to participate in the wedding? Why? Last and most importantly, Clark does have feelings for Lois and she has feelings for him. The Red Kryptonite only shed away their "mental" blocks over the issue.

    Heck, even when Lois tried to stop him from dragging Lana off telling him that she was "his future" and Lana was "his past" Clark was totally honest and did not deny any of it. He simply replied with "This is the present". A very truthful depiction of the situation, even when in Super-jerk mode. Very nice writing!

    So I am at a total loss. On one hand I hated watching Clark be such a jerk at the dinner party but on the other hand I can find no "wrong" in anything he said. Did I hate it or did I like it? How, as a reviewer, am I suppose to judge that? Well I think I need to step back from the fanboy perspective and look at it from a story telling perspective. These are uncomfortable difficult issues for Clark Kent. By making me uncomfortable watching him blurt them out so bluntly I think they did a good job in showing me, the viewer, part of what Clark must be feeling. I don't know if I want to watch that part again but I think I needed to watch it the first time.

    Enough of that. Let us bask in the joy that was the first 30 minutes of this episode. I was grinning from ear to ear when Lois had the love whammy put on her, exposing her feelings for Clark. It was just absolutely fantastic. When she showed up and gave him the Whitesnake album I was laughing hysterically. Why would I find that interesting? Intended or not the fact that Whitesnake's last album (at least last one done by the original band) was released in 1994, which also just happens to be the year when Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman, a show dedicated to telling the story of Clark Kent and Lois Lane's love, was a very popular TV show. (The show actually premiered in September of 1993 I believe) Yes I am a child of the 80's/early 90's hair bands. If it was not intended like that then oh well. At least I found enjoyment from it.

    I was also very amused by Lois pulling Clark into the phone booth to plant a kiss on him. There was something very symbolic there. Let us not forget the leaping tall buildings with Lois in his arms. Oh how long I've waited to see that on this show. It was FANTASTIC! The only way that moment could have been better is if he could fly. Still; I'll take the leaping tall buildings in a single bound any day. What topped the whole thing off was at the end when Lois found out she gave Clark the mixed CD. Obviously that means something more to her than we know. Knowing she made that CD for him under the spell made her realize there was more going on than a simple love potion gone astray. I loved it.

    I also like the villainous twist with Lex. That there is something going on with Lana's pregnancy that he set up. Maybe she is not even pregnant or she was inseminated some how. Or maybe Lex is trying to make sure she doesn't die during childbirth like in his dream so he has her on some kind of secret science mojo. Anyway you cut it, it is Lex being pure evil and that is fantastic. It also proves to us that Clark's outburst was totally justified which was something we needed to see.

    I also love the twist that Lana is on to Clark. Her noticing the bent tool that Lex stabbed Clark with and stealing it was a pretty sweet move. I can only imagine she will be trying to out him over the coming weeks. That can make for some interesting stories.

    Lastly I was really glad to see Clark and Chloe were searching for the Martian Manhunter from last week's episode. It makes sense. J'onn obviously knows a lot about the Phantoms and finding him will help Clark track down the rest of the missing Phantoms.

    So despite my initial discomfort with Clark's actions at the dinner party I really think this turned out to be a great episode when all the plot motion is considered. Add in the gleeful bliss of the Clark and Lois moments and I just have to grade this one high. I'll keep it less than perfect but still something I think needs to be seen. Let's call it 4 out of 5 halibuts dipped in hot fudge... Call it a B+!

    Was there a preview for next week? I missed it if there was. I do not think we are back to repeats yet so looks like I go into the next one flying blind. Not really a bad thing in my book. Bring it on!


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