Superman on Television

Smallville: Episode Reviews

Season 4 - Episode 11: "Unsafe"


Reviewed by: Neal Bailey


Main Points:

  • Apparently, attempted homicide is a small hurdle for friendships in Smallville.
  • Alicia has returned to plague Clark again, but this time, Clark likes it.
  • Lana thought sex would make Jason come back to her.
  • Turns out that that wouldn't, but a weird sub-plot with his mom would.
  • Lionel is back at Lex's, living in the guesthouse.

    I prance about the kitchen like a Michael Corleone, and just when I think I've gone legitimate, just when I think I'm out of the business, Smallville sends a helicopter to crash the meeting of the families.

    "Just when I thought I was out, they PULL ME BACK IN!"

    (clutches heart, falls to the kitchen tiles in his bath robe, and tries desperately to justify dating Sophia).

    It's deja vu.

    It's deja vu.

    I remember, a year ago, writing a review about Alicia, the girl from Obsession. I remember the review being about how a great show's potential was completely blown because they start out with a great thematic story that challenges parts of the mythos, about how alone Clark is, and how nice it would be to be with someone who is much like himself in a number of ways, and then it turned into a cliche ridden freak of the week fest with typical Lana fetishizing and a villain on the loose who knows Clark's secret.

    This is the exact same episode with a few scenes shifted around and the stakes upped just a little bit.

    There's even the same disposable boyfriend that Lana's trying to get to the bottom of. Last year, at this point, Adam's secret was just starting to be revealed, and they had their first "fight", which was shallow because their relationship lacked character definition. Sound familiar?

    We're stuck in a perpetual loop here.

    The problem is, I WANTED to like this episode, I really did. I tried. I mean, I've had an unending complaint list from people writing me saying that I've gotten more cynical, more angry, more picky. I disagree. I think the show has been consistently repetitious and less strong this season. I will admit that I didn't make with the funny like I used to as much, mostly because of the fact that I lost two dogs and a cat (and when you're a writer type alone in a room most of the day, that can really suck), but still, the shows, they've just been sub-par with few exceptions this year, and an increased attack on the male libido while using the male libido for ratings. Or female libido, if you swing that way.

    So now, it's a new year. I told myself, you're gonna get over the funk, and so I have. I'm gonna make with the funny again. But I can't hand out fives for non-fives. And this show, while starting really well, ended in a pool of, well, Krypto pee.

    Nice opening, too, what with the "MR. AND MRS. CLARK KENT." Sigh. Corny!

    We'll start with a preliminary note about the premise, and the fact that I've officially suffered a psychotic break. Now, you'll all forgive that break, right, because I'm nice now, right? Eh...

    Anyway, I remember clearly at the end of the last episode wondering how they would hold Alicia, and why she wouldn't tell Clark's secret. The secret makes sense now, but the fact that they caught her doesn't. I know it's not canon, but I read that Alicia escaped in, I believe, the Smallville Ledger. It might have been the comic. Still, a bit revisionist to say Belle Reve got her.

    I'm also perplexed by the methodology of keeping her at bay. Releasing trace amounts of lead into her system? I did a little bit of research with my best friend google, and I found out that lead, especially in children, is BAD to put in the body. I remembered signing some papers when I sold my last house saying that I knew nothing about lead (I don't know, my memory was foggy, I'd just been chipping and eating some paint), and the papers said that if I had lead around, it was bad. Because it interferes with nerve signals, and messes up the way the brain makes connections for... uh... anyway, where was I?

    Point being, it certainly explains Alicia's psychosis. It's also a good reason why ole Willie McBride got his degree from the ITT Technical School for the completely incompetent doctor, if he's prescribing lead poisoning as a treatment.

    But that guy's just creepy; I'll get to him.

    So the show starts out with a scene in the bustling Talon, where Clark is doing his homework. He's approached by two hot chicks, who sit down, smile at him, and invite him into a hot tub at a party.

    He tells them no, he has homework.

    I wanted to strangle Clark, and oh, truly I did. And in retrospect, get this: The premise of the show is what? That Clark is SO lonely, because no one gets to know his secret, that he has no real girl interests. Uh, no. Sorry. Two chicks just hit on you. That's called being BLIND.

    So he has a scholarship from Met U. Well, at least that settles it. Smallville will now be so NOT Smallville next year that it'll be METROPOLIS!

    Was that the girl from Velocity? I had a Boss Ross flashback. It's kind of like a psychosomatic Clana, as some of you may remember, but it's more like you hear this sucking sound in the air, from behind, then you turn, and there's no velocity. Maybe it's just my ears after those paint chips. Regardless...

    So after less than a year of treatment for attempted murder, Alicia goes free. And one of the terms of her probation isn't to avoid Clark? I mean, I would think that even an evil doc would make that clear.

    But hey, even assume he didn't.


    Seriously, man, I know you're not into Chloe, but at least she hasn't tried to KILL your impervious gluteus, you incredible dumb@$#! Not to mention knocking Lana out and injuring her rather badly enough to go into the hospital. Oh, and there is that whole stalker thing.

    It's like this, somehow:

    When a guy goes nutso and starts chasing a girl on this show (as has happened to Lana so many times), he's a fink and either gets killed or locked away forever. If a HOT CHICK goes nutso and starts chasing Clark, well, let's bring her back after a year and start a relationship with Clark, huh? Make him like her and find the good in her despite the fact that she drugged him into marriage.

    I mean, all stalker jokes aside, I've known girls who have been stalked, and it's a serious issue. People get killed, and this makes it look romantic. When you trivialize it on television, you invite charges of sexual inequality, which I've charged in my charging way of late.

    Oh, for a red K necklace, some knockers, and a bodice.

    Uhm, not for me, of course, for the hypothetical me that stalks in high heels and...

    D'oh! I reveal too much.

    You will be mine, Annette! We were meant to be together! I look better than Michael in drag! You'll see! You'll-


    Whoa! Haven't seen the whip in a while. I guess that's because last time I went about whipping people I was put in an institution. But now that I'm free again with no real therapy, I guess I can go back to using it again.

    So it's like this, baby. Yeah, you can try to kill me, but as long as you're nice to me when you go on probation, we'll give it another go. Why? Because we have one thing in common, and you're willing to strip nearly naked for about ten minutes of the show!

    Never mind the stalker argument, what about people so manipulated by an abusive relationship that they stay in it? This show makes that trivialized as well, and makes it look not only sexy, but rational.

    Good going!

    Even so, even if you're the foolish type who forgives someone who assaults you in a relationship and lets them come back, there's a big difference between hitting and trying to murder people around you and then trying to murder you.

    I do not buy that Clark is this stupid.

    I do not buy that the most desperate of lonely geeks is that stupid, much less a guy with two girls inviting him into a hot tub that very day.

    Director, please cut to another, similar scene, only reverse the roles!

    Lana arrives on a college campus. Her boyfriend has moved away and made it very clear he's done living with her, but now, she follows him and demands that he tell her why he no longer wants to be around her.

    The stalker Lana figure will come complete with a front button dress shirt and candles that will only unbutton on the bottom two buttons and then pan away. Complete with hugging action and totally pussed out accessory boyfriend that has "death" action every six months. Just push the button on his back, and a little piece of paper will come out:






    or my personal favorite, because it's the most plausible if this continues:


    The overall message still being even if you're insane, even if the guy doesn't want you, just go after him, he'll eventually be yours.

    Good going times 2! (Lana boogaloo).

    I don't know. Clark might forgive. He believes in rehabilitation. But there's forgiving, a la Waid's Legion of Doom confinement in Kingdom Come, and then there's wanting to be with Gog. Not likely, eh?

    So then we meet pervy McPerverton, the total perv, otherwise known as Alicia-Keeper Willie.

    He has a gun. He has bad hair. He has facial hair. And he's not afraid to use corny dialogue. Stay away from the kid and no one gets hurt. We need more "sessions"! (with lecherous old guy look and hair stroke).

    I thought it weird when Clark was macking with his own Ma and Lana, but this was WAY creepier. At least Lionel has that savois-faire going on. This guy looked like one of the guys next to me when I'm getting my comics who INSISTS that if they don't have silver age boards to order them special, the guy who INSISTS that if you don't know Kamandi you're not geek enough to attend his D and D game.

    One of the emails I get the most is "Neal, heat vision is INVISIBLE!". I've argued against it so much I'm tired of it, so okay, you win. It's invisible, who cares? But still, heating up that cup in front of everyone is at very least stupid and risky at that rink. I was hoping the cup would melt and Clark would get hot crotch then ice crotch. Might get him thinking with his head, anyway.

    Not that one, you guys.

    So the lady who tried to kill you and your friend Lana comes and wants to be with you again. First date, she says, "Let's go to California!"




    You know what that is? It's a WARNING BELL!

    It's like when someone emails you and says, "Dear sir. We are totally not thieves. We work for the bank. Give us your pin number or your account will be closed. We have pictures of your mother swimming with the dolphins. Soda monkey catfish uncle."

    (They throw in that last bit so the spam filter won't pick them up).


    Even easily duped people would see that as a warning sign.

    You remember Jurassic Park, when Jeff Goldblum hops out of the car, waves the flare around, and the T-Rex just follows the flare? Then he throws the flare, and the T-Rex runs after it? That's Clark this WHOLE EPISODE.

    Hey, Clark. I'm really good now.

    DUH, okay, Alicia.

    Hey, Clark, I want to go to California.

    Oh, no, I really shouldn't.

    Okay. Hey, Clark, try on this bright red necklace that looks like Kryptonite.

    DUH, okay, Alicia.

    Hey, Clark! I know I just drugged you and married you and got shot like a moron, but can we still be friends (crocodile tear).

    DUH, okay, Alicia.

    And she waves the flare to the right next episode, I'm sure.

    You know, they really ought to lock the Torch. People are always burning it down, tearing it apart. Alicia gets in without being on the staff, after breaking into the school in the middle of the night.

    Man, if I had tried to break into my school at night, the hired guards would have beaten me senseless. Unless, of course, I had a flare. I'd have to eat a ton of paint to get my gall up to do that, though. Jeff Goldblum did end up with a broken leg.

    By the way, in case it hasn't become obvious, red K and the "bad" version of a character, it's been DONE TO DEATH. To DEATH. It's over, it's old. It needs to stop. Really.

    They tried to be good with this episode. You can see it. They tried to give the fans what they wanted. Loeb had a hand in writing. They brought back a character that the guys dug (her body, or her character. I think it's the strength of her character, don't you? Yeah, bloody well right. And in an episode preaching about sexual choices, good God.). They did the red K thing, which once was cool, before it happened three times and to the peripheral characters. This when we still don't know what black K was.

    But get this. All of these things are pleasing to the BASE fans. The fans that clap when Joey comes on Friends and say, "Hey, I KNOW that guy! I saw him last episode! Oooh! And BOY is he hot!"

    For those of us who think a great, fan pleasing episode is one that explores the nature of the characters and the Superman mythos, like, say, Perry, Hourglass, Rosetta, Shattered, etcetera, we get the shaft. And I know, every episode CAN'T be a myth breaker (though I think it could be if they shortened the season and weren't about the money as opposed to the story), but I believe, even at this pace, firmly, that at least one in four CAN. Because it has been. This season, we've had Run as the epic mythos episode, and maybe bits of the premiere. That's it.

    And I can honestly say, though I don't know the ratings for shows that give the base fans what they want as opposed to the mythos fans, the shows that explore the myth are the ones that everyone remembers, talks about, and they'll be what I watch when in ten years I get nostalgic and pull out the DVDs in my ripe old age of the middle thirties.

    Hey, remember what I said about Clark, back when I shouted? Cover your ears, here comes a variation on the theme:


    Seriously, man, I know you're not into Clark, but at least Clark hasn't tried to KILL your impervious gluteus, you incredible dumb@$#! Not to mention killing Grandma and Grandpa and blowing Chloe up badly enough to go into the witness protection program. Oh, and there is that whole poisoning you/dialysis thing.

    It's like this, somehow:

    When dad goes nutso and starts chasing your friends on this show (as has happened to Lana so many times), he's a fink and either gets killed or locked away forever. But if a FAN FAVORITE CHARACTER goes nutso and starts chasing Chloe, well, let's bring him back after a half year and start a new relationship, huh? Make Lex like him and find the good in him despite the fact that she drugged him into unconsciousness. I don't buy this conversion thing with Lionel. It's just not working. First, Glover just doesn't PLAY good well. Sorry, he's great in most things, but it really sounds like he's trying fakery when he's doing good.

    It's so cheesy. It's like the mental institution soap opera chimes from Chloe last episode.

    "Son! I've seen a new light! I've found the way! I once was lost, but now I'm found! Oh, all I want to do is kiss a poor person's hand, and rub some money in his face, that he might know the taste of Washington. Lo, the plight of the homeless! Would that I were a hobo, a-"

    "You know dad, Saint Robert Bellarmine, the man who sold all his possessions and gave them to the poor, once said that-"

    "Oh, son. Bellarmine died with ten slaves. Don't interrupt my soliloquy, I was just getting started. My lands, to bask in the impoverished holiness of those people who weren't goodly enough to be shafted with a low paying LuthorCorp job, I intend to wax over soup with their cold, fingertip-less gloved hands and put down the machinations of "The Man!"."

    "Dad, you ARE the man!"

    "Cueball, don't make me poison you again."

    "Cueball, eh? Go on, make some more fun at the expense of Poolhall Junkies, Mr. Batman and Robin!" "I KISSED UMA THURMAN, FLASH!" "Whatever, Riddler. I'll see you dead before the end of this series!"

    Heh. See? That's more entertaining, at least.

    And then we cut again, to the preachiest, most absolutely insanely bad scene I've seen in a while. It was like a cross between a commercial for Vagisil and a public service announcement meets the ABC after school movie of the week that implodes under the explosive power of it's own hypocrisy.

    Lana waxes that in college, relationships are usually more... adult.

    Hey, Lana. Pssssst! Secret:

    In HIGH SCHOOL, relationships are usually more... adult!

    For instance, if you live with someone in high school for a few months, you tend to progress beyond kissing. Or if you don't, there's usually a religious reason not forthcoming in this series.

    But beyond that, a high schooler is usually mature enough and intelligent enough to realize that when a guy who's 20-24 (still uncertain) hits on you in France when you're 17, and then he DOESN'T want to get physical with you, well, what do we get folks?

    Come on!





    You know what that is? It's a WARNING BELL!

    And then the old standard. Chloe goes to the statistics.

    "You know, Lana, two thirds of the people who have sex under the age of eighteen regret doing it too soon."

    And there are more cell phones than landlines currently. That means the majority is clearly in some kind of a magical existential stupid mandate. Especially since we all know how infallible statistics are, right? I wonder what someone would say to a statistician if they could do a study that said 2/3 of all people know that studies can be rigged to prove any point? 8/10 of kids who have sex before they're ready might be quite surprised.

    But anyway, where you stand or don't stand on this issue aside, the dialogue was forced, it sounded like a very clear stand against sex before marriage (which whether you agree with or not, alienates one side and brings closer another, which causes division in a series that is supposed to espouse a pragmatist philosophy, not a particular agenda).

    Then, to pound home the point, Chloe tells Lana she lost her virginity to that guy at the Daily Planet at 15.

    And we all see how utterly devastated Chloe was by it, so much so, that ever since it's happened, she's never mentioned it and shown no emotional instability at all beyond the normal teenage trials and tribulations.

    But beyond that, why in the world are they preaching about the horrors of sex when the MOTIF of this show is people heading for sex, a show that has a prolonged lingerie make out session?

    Here's the setup.

    The moral is that sex is bad before marriage, and that you shouldn't let your excitement get over your better judgment. But watch out show, because even though a good story and myth would be better judgment to watch, we have ALICIA TA TAS! And JASON, for you ladies!

    And how many of the people on Smallville got the job without being beautiful and sexy? People that make you want to have sex with them, I mean?

    There's Willie McBride, I guess. But man, even I would consider that Rosenbaum. Meeeee-youch. Even if he does fart in cages. (See the DVD of season 3).


    Demonize that sex, after using it to sell your products. You hypocrites.

    This is why I favor a policy of just avoiding the subject of the character's sexuality. They're almost adults, but it's still something that's private for most of us. I learned from my parents, and what I learned from TV gave me an eschewed view. Ultimately, life experience irons it out, but taking a hard-line stance just alienates.

    And on a smaller scale, it was just a badly acted, poorly written scene with an obvious soapbox, saying, "LOOK! SEX SCENES ARE COMING!"

    Alicia is back because she makes men want sex, but a girl using sex to get somewhere (Lana) is portrayed as bad.

    I give up.

    And that, all of the above, that's the part that was at least interesting and somewhat plausible, disagreements aside. From here on, it fails miserably, starting with California.

    It's like The Wizard. Anyone remember that movie? Soft kid's voice: "California?"

    Now I assert myself with my Power Glove and attain my high score:

    Clark gets the necklace, and he puts it on, like a fool. We're past that. But then, he starts getting hot and heavy with Alicia, see? And then Alicia says, "Let's hop on the bad foot and do the bunny!"

    Clark says, "Are you Thumper?"

    "If you're Fiver!"

    "Hey, you're too vapid to read Watership Down!"

    "All right then. We'll be turtles."


    "Neal has his Power Glove on, and I want to Turtle Tip!"

    Point being, what happened last time Clark was on the red K?

    No, wait. First, how the heck did Alicia know what red K would do at all? Seriously! She said she knows everything about Clark, she read up. But no one knows about what red K can do except Pete, Pa, and Ma. And they certainly didn't write it down or tell anyone. BS. TOTAL unexplainable BS.

    Now, back to my point. What happened last time Clark was on the red K?

    He refused to even MAKE OUT with hot chicks, now, didn't he?

    Now he's willing to go get married so he can have sex.


    First off, you're "bad", as this show intimates it, right? What do "bad" people do, by this show's inference? Have sex before marriage, right? Why the heck would an amoral, drugged Clark that has in the past taken money from ATMs, worked for organized crime, took pleasure in violence, and ran away from home have ANY problem with sex before marriage? Why get married?

    I know why.

    Because this show is sexually confused. The problem is not the sex, the problem is that it's contradictory; the writers can't get it straight. Marriage makes sex okay when you're not ready?

    Eat some paint, it'll work out.

    So then we cut to a scene where marriage, which has been portrayed as somewhat sacred in this show (see Ma's rant later as one proof), played for LAUGHS over Elvis. This is still a serious show, is it not?

    Clark gets married, and apparently he doesn't sign the papers or have witnesses, because later it's just void, but get this. The preacher says, "Do you, CLARK KENT, take Alicia..."

    And then, after Clark says yes, he SUPER SPEEDS away right in front of the "preacher". The preacher has his name, he just saw his powers, and we're supposed to ignore it because it's funny.




    You know what that is? That's the pinball machine in the writer's room that they were playing when they should have been considering PLAUSIBILITY.

    Suspension of disbelief, I know. But a rational framework is required for said suspension. I believe a man can fly if he comes from a planet that has higher density. That's an explanation. I don't believe that a woman who has no way of possibly doing so can learn the effect of red K on Clark, nor can Clark Kent just vanish and use his powers in front of people while maintaining his secret for the future.

    And this is, hands down, the single most obvious use of powers in front of people yet. The guy was looking RIGHT at him. He did the same thing with Lana when she was semi-conscious, but this is just ridiculous.

    Red Clark before wouldn't even make out, but now he's cool with sex. There's another leap.

    Then they show five minutes of Clark getting down, just so that we can see Alicia's ta tas in lingerie, along with her straddling Clark, along with his hands moving along with her body...because though they're not ready, watching them is...mmmm...hypocritical!

    And then they cut to Lana, virginal Lana, who, when she is in basically the same situation as Clark, trying to have sex to preserve her feelings of self-worth, and we see, well, two undone buttons, a caring and accepting pussified she-male who is 20 something and has absolutely no sex drive (impossible), and a hug. And then, her stalker behavior, her openly offering sex as a way to get approval, and her general vapidity are rewarded, because she's our fetishized little she-goddess.

    Clark is scolded by his parents, his girl gets shot, and he's almost sent to JAIL.

    Tell me there isn't a male female double standard on this show. Go on. Tell me.

    Watch me laugh and intimate that you've been eating some of my paint.

    And THEN, they go home, and the doc is in the barn. The doc has a gun, and he's gonna take Clark in for kidnapping Alicia, FORCING her to marry him, and maybe, just maybe, for thinking about sex.

    So, okay. Despite the fact that Alicia is simply missing, despite the fact that he has no corroborating evidence from Alicia, despite the fact that the POLICE take people in, not rogue doctors, despite the fact that the preacher would very obviously corroborate that Clark and Alicia were having one heck of a good time, and despite the fact that thinking about sex is not a federal offense if you're thinking about Alicia (only when thinking about Lana, remember kids), he's gonna take Clark in.

    Now, the running joke is the paint, right? I'm guessing that he's not only got the lead injection bracelet, the guy's beard and hair are that spray on baldness remover stuff, too, for that much stupid to have gotten into his numb head.

    And he STILL thinks he has a chance with Alicia.

    Now watch. He'll come back in a year cured, take Alicia ice skating, and they'll both go to California and have fruity kids. Good riddance. I'll donate some Sherwin Williams for old Fiver.

    (And the above is what you might call a Power Glove pimp slap. Gotta keep the Power Glove strong, so when I hit bad plots, it won't be nothin' but practice. Mario got nothin' on me.).

    But I continue:

    As Clark is, undoubtedly, about to explain how he got from Smallville to California and back in a matter of seconds without help from Alicia on the way back, Willie shoots at him.

    Alica teleports and takes the bullet. Why? To save Clark's secret identity.

    What does Clark do to thank her? Yes, folks, he tosses the doc twenty feet and through a wall. Because we all know there's no secret to that, eh? I just threw my grandma twenty feet for giving me lip last week. She just thought I'd been eating my oatmeal.

    Hard work and exercise, just like Spider-Man says. Double DUKES!

    Next question: Why didn't Clark save her? He knows the bullets were flying. He can move faster than a bullet, in fact, he can snatch them from mid-air. He could have run forward, taken the bullet, and gotten back to where he was, just before Alicia teleported. He's easily that fast.

    Drama, that's why. Cheesy drama that isn't sensible in a rational framework.

    So she's in the hospital, they know where she is, and they don't give her a lead bracelet again until she's off to see Clark again? And why is she OUT TO SEE CLARK AGAIN when she violated probation, saw the subject of her psychotic break, and GOT SHOT? That might be




    The doorbell of Belle Reve opening again, if I were a coherent narrative.

    To say nothing of the fact that if the doc that released her is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, the diagnosis of CURED would at very least merit a revision or another look.

    Man, comic book asylums SUCK at being sensible.

    So Clark was drugged against his will, and went and did some stuff under the influence, and both Ma and Pa are sore at him, Pa's so sore he won't come down to say, "Son, something something something, yeee haw Daisy Duke."

    Utter non-sense. Ma and Pa are smart and caring. They'd be happy their son was back and alive, and know that he didn't mean to do what he did, that Alicia did it to him.

    So then we close with a great scene, where all of this nonsense Alicia got him into is forgiven because, why? Well, yeah, because she said, "I'm better again" now.



    Paint all around, folks, I'm out of excuses.

    Cut to the PSA about having sex before marriage, read by the girl who on the show had sex at 15, cut and roll credits, please.

    I think I'm most upset, in all the stuff that plagued this episode, with the fact that a PSA about the perils of sex in a show that sells itself with sex lasted a good 20 seconds, and when Christopher Reeve, the man who defined Superman died, they couldn't set aside a full 10 seconds for his tribute. Abominable.

    Though the above is a litany of complaint, like I said, some of the scenes played themselves out as interesting, and at least this thing started very well. In between the illogical conclusion that Alicia was okay, if you just let yourself be swept away into the fact that she was back to normal, seeing Clark interact and be happy was somewhat well done. And any episode that, even though I decry it, gets people talking about sex and sexuality, has at very least an impact.

    The beginning is the salvation of this show, and it ends too abruptly, but it saves the show from being a total loss.

    Ergo 2 of 5.


    I'm cuckoo. No wait. I'm sane. (Okay, Alicia! DUH!). I'm cuckoo. No wait. I'm sane. (Okay, dad! DUH!). I eat paint, and I can throw my grandma twenty feet for giving me lip. Alicia wants to turtle tip, but Lana only wants to open a few buttons. That's hypocrisy. Lionel is bad at faking good, and Vagisil crossed with a PSA coated with an ABC special is frightening, except in the beginning, where the walls open to show just a WEE crack of humility and humanity. 2 of 5.


    I just wrote 190 letters in two weeks. I was always a bad student because I would wait until the last minute to do my homework, then go into a manic paint chip fit and do it all in one night. This break's letters are no exception. It put through a large wealth of great speculation, and it was a lot of fun to answer. My apologies to all that took so long to get to. I don't ignore the letters I get, in fact, I answer them all one way or another, but it does take time. Thank you all, as ever. There were some really kind words, and a few turds, but I made fertilizer.

    As some of you know, I've become a finalist in the Dark Idol contest, that's been exciting. A lot of the people who communicate over the email with me and help create business and my perspective of this show have been very supportive. I thank all of the people who participate in the contest... and encourage you all to go and check it out.

    Please, if you like my story, vote for it. But please, also be fair. I don't want to eschew the vote. But I do want to publicize it, because if I win, there's an agent, publicity, and perhaps a book deal involved. And if I get an agent, I might actually get paid to write instead of going pro bono. Don't get me wrong, I love working for the Superman Homepage and will continue even if I sell a million books out of sheer love for Superman, maybe even paying to create Brainiac so we can give away tee shirts and goodies, but if I could get a book deal (novels are my passion), I would be chock FULL O' Monkeys.

    My fingers are crossed, let's say. That, and I have four stinking novels that are ready for publication. Grrr...

    But there's my personal space, thanks for sitting through it, Strong Bad's Spring Cleaning of email has finished, and now I can continue. BELETED!

    Also, please welcome Saundra to our Smallville reviews! She's a really great addition, and we think you'll like her work. I've been a fan for quite a while, myself.

    Will Sabel Courtney writes in to correct the fact that the girl with the persuasion kiss in Heat WAS a K villain. I mistakenly called her a non-K villain a while back.

    Will further notes that in Bound, the female hid her identity from Lex with glasses and a change of hairstyle. Good catch!

    Will also stepped up to his game in response to response responses about varying things that are self-explanatory. He wrote:

      Regarding Clark's super-speed save in Jinx, I would like to respond to Mr. Trent: Moving at that speed, while not causing a sonic boom, would create a very large vacuum behind Clark which would create horrible, hurricane-force winds all across the field, whipping the players around like reeds. Think about what it's like to stand next to a car as it drives by you at 65 mph, then multiply that by about five times (10 times speed * approximately 1/2 the surface area). Also, if it took Clark a full second to pull that off, even if he didn't make a blur as he ran, people would have noticed him disappear for a full second. (Try it; next time you're watching a sports game, time off a second. it's a long time to disappear and not be noticed.) In order to do it without a shadow of a doubt, he'd probably have to do it in at least 1/25 of a second (close to the speed of the frames on a movie, which would also explain why the tape of the game didn't show it), but he could probably do it in 1/10 of a second without people really figuring it out. But for that, he'd have to be doing around 6,500 mph - or about Mach 9. And that linebacker's in Missouri. (By the way, if that linebacker was airborne for a full second, he must moonlight in black shiny pleather and have a severe complex about anybody with the name Smith. Think about it.) Responding to Keith Price, too: Clark's a lot faster than he was in Rogue. In the series opener, he was only hitting 60-80 mph (he tells Pa that for football he'll run at "half-speed"), so he probably couldn't push himself much past 200 by Rogue. But by Crisis in season 3, he runs across town in the time it takes a .22 caliber bullet to travel about 20 yards; even if he only ran a quarter-mile, that bullet goes 1200 fps, so it'd take 1/20 of a second to get to Lana, which means Clark's moving...holy s$#%, 18,000 mph, that's Mach 25! So he could move fast enough not to be caught on tape, but he'd take out half the town in doing so.

    I had the feeling that that would be the case, but I got a C in physics. I could learn myself up, or I could have another few stories. I'll go with my specialization.

    Will's final thought: If Smallville has 45,000 people, it's the fifth largest city in Kansas, and would have at least 6 Wal-Marts...

    Very well thought out letter, Will. Thanks.

    Adam Hoerner writes in to say that the personality change has become a crutch for this show (too bad this episode proved him wrong, huh... ehhhhh, perhaps not). He points out Hug, Nicodemus, Red, Rush, Exodus, Exile, Phoenix, Delete, and Truth. He doesn't count X-Ray or Visage, because they were several actors playing the same role, but still... he notes that in season four, of the first eight episode, fully HALF used that plot device (and still half, if you count this one, which makes 15 episodes total, 17 if you count X-Ray and Visage).

    Yeah. It's done to death.

    Adding fuel to the flames of the Lana and Clark kiss and whether or not the slap was warranted is Daniel Alvarado, who points out that if you watch the clip slowly, frame by frame, Clark puts his hand to Lana's throat area.

    My counter to this is yeah, he could have been choking her, or he could have been doing what I've always done, which is grab the girl behind the ear when I'm going to make that kiss, because frankly, that's romantic. Still, it could have been either, but I'm sticking with mine, because if he WERE choking her, and we couldn't see it because of cinematography, that's a choice. It should be made clear if we're to know it as a motivation...we don't see the show in single frames. Still, good food for thought.

    Reader Jason brought to the fray the fact that maybe the piano in Spell was on wheels. I got a lot of letters with that critique, to which I respond, you ever pushed a piano on wheels from a seated position, even on slicked hardwood? It takes a LOT of effort. So much so that it would be superhuman to, with one hand, shove it across a room, even on oiled casters.

    Aelora noticed, and I had to check, but she's right, that in Spell, when Clark has tools thrown at him, he hits them with heat vision and they spiral off. Heat vision may be invisible, but it darned well sure doesn't have mass enough to change the course of heavy tools.

    She also, by having me look up that episode, helped me find a KO I missed for Jason. Lana pitches him through a window. Ha!

    Loren Collins has a couple of great thoughts.

    First, why was a heretical witch in the 17th century burned at the stake buried in a honorific tomb in a French church. Curse you, France! (Just kidding)

    Second, how the heck can a 400 year-old book in good condition sell on ebay for a price that Lana could possibly afford?

    (I mean, I can't get a signed Stephen King, and he's still ALIVE!)

    In Bound, she further postulates that it is odd that no one noticed the woman in bed wasn't the woman Lex was making out with, and further, a DNA test would reveal that Lex hadn't had sex with her. Lousy frame-up.

    Also, the newspaper reads "Lex Acquitted in Double Homicide". There were two deaths, but they were in different places, so it wasn't a double homicide, and also, how can he be acquitted with no trial?

    GREAT thoughts.

    Bill Abraham has a few questions.

    First, how does Chloe get her information, being just in high school? She gets a tape of Lex in the elevator that tabloids would pay grip for, and it would be in police hands. Instead, it's handed over as a civic duty to a local high school reporter. Yeah, right.

    Sarah Keener reminded me to mention, because I don't know if I have, the fact that the Terminator 3 scene replaced a worst nightmare where Lana turns down Lex at the altar.

    Let me just say, I much prefer the ripoff.

    Good friend Mike Cooke writes in with a few things...first, the music to Lex rocking in his tux (Bound), is Etude Opus 10, No. 3, by Frederic Chopin. (The man is going to make me an opera and classical scholar yet!)

    Bud Conner has an explanation for why Clark is evil and Lex is good sometimes, an explanation that I like. I'll let him put it, as he did well:

      Lately I've been looking at it as not Superman's early years, but as Ultraman's (from Earth-3 or Earth-2, depending on pre or post-crisis). Looking back, this works for a few reasons.
      1) Jor-El wants Clark to rule the world. Ultraman rules his world along with the Crime Syndicate.
      2) The Flash that Clark met was a criminal. Ultraman's Flash (Johnny Quick) is a criminal just like the rest of the Crime Syndicate.
      3) Clark has behaved badly a lot in this show and Lex has been more of the good guy. Ultraman is a villain and Lex Luthor is Earth-3's only superhero. So, with all the negative influences this Clark has had (Jor-El, red K, Lana) he just seems more like I'd imagine young Ultraman to be than young Superman.
      I don't know if any of this is any relevant to you, but thanks for indulging me for a minute. We now return to your regularly scheduled programming...

    Awesome. Good for a laugh, if not a plausible explanation. But then, Ultraman is calculating, Clark's a...dork.

    Jimmy Nechleba writes in and shows that in Crusade, Lana's birthday is in August. In Craving, Lana's birthday is during the football season, while school's in. D'oh!

    Andrew McBride, who WENT to Princeton, indicates that they have no scholarships outside of financial need, so grind away, you badly dancing farm boy! He also points out that the interview isn't necessary, it just helps, and with the Kent's need, assuming Clark had grades, he'd still get a full ride.

    Krishna Sharma writes in with something serious... and something I'm not sure exactly how to phrase or deal with. It's one of those difficult things, so I'll leave it to her words, which are poignant:

      I'm writing with a point that you may very well want to bring up in your review of "Scare". Imagine if, many years down the road, on September 11, 2021, a show featured a story about planes flying into buildings and toppling them down. Public outcry would result (at least). On December 2, 1984, what is regarded as the worst industrial disaster took place in Bhopal, India wherein 15,000 lives were (and subsequently have been) lost. It all happened as a result of the release of poisonous methyl isocynate gas from the Union Carbide plant in Bhopal. The fact that Smallville's episode last night centerd on a plot based on a plant leak that results in a gas that causes mass problems is a bit eerie. I understand that not every incident in world history can be taken into consideration when writing a plot for the show, but this correlation was just really bad. Is it really possible that not even ONE person at the WB picked up on the fact that this episode would be shown one day short of the 20th anniversary of this huge disaster?!?! It was a decent episode, but quite unnerving considering the poor taste to show it with such bad timing. If you want more info about the disaster, you can click here or just type "Bhopal Disaster" in any search engine. Thanks. Krishna

    Personally, my feeling is that maybe, truly, no one at the WB knew. What I take from this is that it's kind of sad that through history, unless it happens here, we pay little attention to it. The tsunami disaster likely won't get flag waving tributes in fifteen years, but you can be sure 9-11 will. I'm not taking sides, it's just really something to think about.

    David Khattak and Ray point out that Lex knew his future, but how could he, if the lady from Hourglass never told him it?

    Bill Abraham again, curious as to how if Pa Kent just had bypass surgery, and if the antidote in Scare caused a spike in heart rate, how he was fine and dandy with the antidote?

    The brakeman writes in to note along with Will that if the tackler was in mid-air when Clark disappeared, he'd be hard-pressed to miss his disappearance even for a fraction of a second.

    Also, if Clark threw Mxy some forty feet with a shove to the chest, why is his chest not caved in?

    Steve Crow writes in to indicate the absurdity of the father issues presented when she went out to find an adult as a child, and then managed to find the one adult male who seems to have no problem with a live in girlfriend with no physicality.

    I came up with my own speculation... in Lois & Clark, the show died because Lois and Clark got too lovey and it got ridiculous. In Smallville, the show is dying because Lana and Clark just never had their shot. Instead of avoiding the loss of tension, the tension is too thick.

    David Khattak came up with a few future Smallville plots that made me laugh:

      P!$$ed - Superman discovers M&Ms make him drunk. A British character appears smoking a pipe with a large hat. He solves the mystery of someone's failed assassination attempt on Lana (they replaced her "Moulin rouge" lipstick with "Rude Red") and gets up to all sorts of fun breaking down his British reserve to turn into an American beach bum.
      OrangeCounty - Racism rears its ugly head when we discover Jonathan has a thing against Ompalompahs. Cue a visit to Wonka Factory.
      Milk - A 45 minute "Got Milk" storyline whereby Clark promotes the benefits of swigging straight form the container to get THE perfect milk moustache.
      Beginning - First attempt to right the listing boat of Smallville; including Lana being called on her prejudice against ugly people and Lex and Clark arguing about who gets custody of the Porsche.

    Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand that's it. More next week!

    And don't forget the KO Count!


    David Khattak, a reader in Belfast, writes this review's letter of the...uh, week. Yeah. Week.

      I was wondering if you would ever try your hand at another of your 15 minute "bang out a quick plot summary that would put to shame the scribes on Smallville" effort?! The one you did a few reviews back was great. It was certainly something I've always yearned to see from the more talented fans out there and with Spell I'd love to see someone else's (impossible to be worse) take on it!

    Now before you think I chose this letter to be arrogant and prove a point about my writing skills, I'll just say that I'm doing this because I received a lot of letters asking for this after my last one. That, and I want to be arrogant and prove a point about my writing skills... just kidding. Or AM I?

    Anyway, here goes. I gave myself thirty minutes for a challenge.


    This story assumes that Chloe knows the secret.

    Clark is on his way to school, walking because the truck is down and they don't have enough money to fix it. He's most of the way there when a hand grabs him, jerks him into a corn field, and slams him to the ground.

    A piece of Kryptonite comes into frame in a fisted hand. Clark looks up. It's Morgan Edge, but he's got a horrific scar across his face from their last encounter. Next to him is Sam Phelan, the bad cop from Rogue. Clark grows weary from the K. As he's passing out, he sees Morgan reach up and wipe a bit of blood from beneath his eyes.


    Pa Kent is working in the field when he looks up and sees flames licking from Clark's barn. He rushes to the farm, just in time to see a sleek black van tear off. The barn is engulfed.

    At the burned shell of the barn, later, Lex Luthor arrives to comfort the Kents. He apologizes for not being around more, explaining that his business in Metropolis has kept him away. Pa describes the van and refuses Lex's help in fixing the barn.

    The next day, Pa Kent wakes up and goes out to find a stack of lumber in the front yard, large enough to rebuild. The note says that Lex couldn't stop himself from helping, but to compromise, he'd save himself the cost of rebuilding and just donate some lumber, indicating that LuthorCorp just gave $500,000 to the Tsunami aid, a barn for a friend is nothing.

    Ma and Pa talk about Clark, and have a conversation similar to the one in Strength where they know Clark has been gone, but all will be well. He always comes back, somehow, some way.

    Chloe stops by after school to ask where Clark is, having heard about the barn. They tell her he's missing, and the only clue they have is a black van. Chloe asks why they haven't called the police, and they have to stammer an excuse about how Clark has been known to run away, (continuity). Chloe buys it.

    Later that evening, she shows up with a strange man in a lab coat. The Kents question her, and she explains that they are there for tire impressions.

    She brings them to Lex Luthor later that night. Lex makes her assure him that she didn't tell the Kents he paid for the forensics. They find a number of candidates, and decide to drive to Metropolis to start exploring them one by one, particularly one that is associated with old hangouts of Morgan Edge.

    Clark wakes up in a solid concrete room with walls lined with Kryptonite chunks. Edge enters.

    He explains that back before Lionel and he parted ways, he shared the experiment, and the secret of Clark's blood. Edge paid a rogue scientist named Dabney Donovan to perfect the cure, and he succeeded, with only one premise...Clark's blood needed to be constantly replenished. Trapped in a room that he cannot leave, and unable to get near the door without collapsing, Clark will have to have his blood mined constantly.

    Edge hauls him to the wall and takes a sample, roughly.

    Clark collapses. Edge leaves with his syringe.

    Getting his dialysis, Lex hears a commotion in the hall at his office in Metropolis.

    Ma and Pa are now packing to go to Metropolis, thinking that perhaps Clark has come into contact with red K again. They are stopped by a voice from the ruins of the barn. Phelan steps back out with a gun.

    Pa Kent leaps for him, but Phelan draws his gun. He explains that he's Edge's new Consigliere, here to talk business. He opens the door to his van and puts the Kents inside, telling them that their son's life is at stake. They drive off.

    In the Kawatchee caves, a rumbling begins beneath the rock wall. Dust starts to move. A fissure forms in the side of the rock wall that leads to the crystal.

    Scene with Edge and Phelan. They talk candidly, joking about the reformation of Intergang, making reference to Moxie and his inadequacy. Edge compliments Phelan's skill at extortion. Phelan compliments Edge being able to cure death. They lay out the plans for the next target, a blueprint of the Luthor estate. Specifically, Lex's safe, with a printout of the map to the crystal nearby.

    First the life, Edge asserts, then the power. Stick with me, we'll bring order to the world, he tells Phelan.

    Clark wakes, seeing Phelan and Edge in the open doorway. Clark is worse for wear.

    In the doorway, Phelan holds a gun to the Kent's heads.

    "See that?" Morgan grabs Clark's battered arm. "He's a very noble boy, Clark. Not too bright, but noble. The minute he realized he was trapped, he started trying to slice himself open. I think the idea was to either kill US, or get us to take him out of this room to preserve our little fix."

    He pulls Clark's face, which is lax and tired, straight, and says, "Clark. Can you hear me?"

    Clark nods.

    "We have your parents. You keep this up, they're not going to make it too far, get me?"

    "Let them go." Clark pleads.

    Off in the distance, there's an explosion. Phelan and Edge jerk up. Smoke is entering the hallway.

    Phelan takes the Kents, and Edge stays with Clark. Phelan has the gun, Edge is unarmed, but he has Clark.

    Cue Lex behind a crew of six men with guns bursting down the hallway. He follows, Darth Vader style, as his men clear each room.

    Eventually, they come upon a room with no window. Play up the tension to think this is the Clark room (Lex might find out), but instead, they burst open, and it's Phelan, holding the Kents hostage. He screams, and the men open fire, barely missing the Kents.

    Chloe, Meanwhile, jerks down the hallway past the men. Lex sees her, and screams after her, "I told you to stay outside!"

    Chloe runs, down hall after hall, finally hearing Edge screaming at Clark, trying to pull him to the door. Clark is limp.

    Edge gets him just out the door, and Chloe lays into him with mace from her purse, grabbing Clark and hauling him to his feet, shutting the door.

    The door closing brings Clark back to full strength. His wounds heal. He stands, renewed. "Ma! Pa!"

    Chloe hushes him, telling him that they're all right and to act hurt.

    Lex, meanwhile, has the men take the Kents out, and he stands over Phelan.

    "You're dead." He whispers.

    Phelan laughs, and blood comes out his mouth. "I said it once, I'll say it again. Go to hell, Luthor." He dies.

    The next day, Clark, Lex, Chloe, Lana, and the family all work on rebuilding the barn, at Pa's direction.

    Pa asks Lex how he found them, exactly. He's been wondering since he left the night before, after the police talked to them. Lex explains that his father, for some reason, disclosed that Morgan Edge contacted him looking for truce, and gave away his base of operations in exchange for a promise of loyalty.

    At that moment, Lionel arrives bearing a hammer, wanting to help.

    Pa runs him off the farm. Lionel is perplexed. As he walks off, he pauses, smiles knowingly, and leaves.

    A figure steps into the light in the cave. It's Terrence Stamp, but he remains unnamed, Jor-El, or Zod. He's in Kryptonian garb.

    In prison, Edge makes a frantic call to a man in shadows. "Dabney. Tell me you have it. Tell me you got it."

    A comically insane voice responds. "Oh, I got it all right. You're set. Just remember my fee."

    Edge agrees, hanging up.

    The light in the room with the comically insane voice shifts, and we see a clone of Clark strapped to the table.

    "An unlimited supply of blood." Dabney cackles. "And dumb enough not to resist. What could go wrong?"


    Okay. That took forty minutes. But close, and not bad. Less thematic than I would have liked, but fun. Needs fleshing out, too, but the point of the exercise is that if this is what a guy can come up with in thirty minutes, what the heck is stopping a bunch of guys from being compelling with weeks to work? The network? What the fans want? Who knows.


    Three hundred fifty nine comments? You guys trying to kill me?

    But cool, regardless.

    The old contest.

    The new contest.

    Smallville: Unsafe

    By Rebecca Cyrus

    Wow! Not only an episode with a return guest star, but one with a positive message!

    Let me first just say I am sooooooooooooo happy to be having new Smallville. It has been such a boring hiatus. I've watched some Veronica Mars, and some Gilmore Girls, but nothing compares to my Tommy fix! LOL.

    I went into this episode expecting to be disappointed for the first time in a long time, actuallly, because I knew the episode was about sex, and I was worried that all of the main characters were going to have an orgy or something for no real reason. So imagine my surprise when in stead of that, they showed us this episode!

    I felt SO bad for Chloe. I mean, I had no idea what she was going through for those years, and it makes me wonder why they didn't say anything about it. I mean, that explains why she quit, though, I guess.

    I'm a bit upset though. I thought it would be okay for Lana to have sex with Jason. I mean, he's been nothing but caring, loving, and friendly to her for all that we've seen, and he's not a psycho like Adam, and he's not a liar like Clark. Although I have to respect her choice to wait until marriage. That's what's my choice, and I highly recommend it. But still, Jason is just totally fine. I would be tempted, that's for sure!

    And then look at Clark. Unlike Lana, who's looking for character, love, and someone who's not out for her breasts, Clark just heads off. I know, it's the red kryptonite, but I think, personally, he has some control when he uses it. For instance, he held himself back for Lana when he was in the city for those months! Why not hold himself still? He knows she still loves him, if only he'd be honest!

    So what does he do? He goes to California, he gets married, and he gets dirty with her. My guess is, if she hadn't taken off the necklace, he would have gone all the way.

    Then, suppose Alicia got pregnant? What would happen then, huh? Well, I guess then we'd have some more controversy, which is why I'm glad they avoided that. Still, red I like it when he's like an uncaged animal. Tommmmmyyyyyy!!!! ROFL.

    Date me, please? Tom?

    Ah, can't blame a girl for trying.

    So I have to say, though there's an awful lot of questionable stuff here, there's also a lot of responsibility. Lana makes the right choice, and I applaud the writers for not just making her a whore for the sake of pleasing the men who would act like Clark out there.

    10 of 10.

    PS: Since I'm supposed to be a counter reviewer, I figured I'd point out what was wrong with Neal's review this week. He's started letting me see them now after he finishes (finally), instead of when they come online, so I can finally do a proper job here.

    First off, I don't see where he's getting this whole Smallville is sexist crap. It's not sexist. Look above, at what I said. Claerly, Clark is a liar, he lies to Lana all the time, he doesn't treat her right. This show is called SMALLVILLE, Neal, not Clarkville. Lana deserves just as much time as Clark. I say more, because I relate to her better, totally.

    Also, you get WAY to concerned over the details. Who cared where she got the red k information from? It's just a plot device! You got your nookie that you wanted to see! Stop complaining!

    Also, I think that you're putting way too much of yourself in the review. No one wants to read something that is that long, that boring, and you use TOO MANY BIG WORDS. I'm not saying I'm stupid, but you make me feel stupid by trying too hard to sound all intellectual.

    And LAY OFF LANA, for crying out loud! She's most people's favorite!

    Seriously, limit yourself to 500 words! My review, before the counterpoint here, was only 459, and I accomplished more than you did! Grow up! LOL. Stop looking for so much attention.

    I mean, sheesh, I'm sorry your dogs died, but what about the Smallville? Get over it! We all lose dogs! Pity pity pity! You're starting to sound like the Lana you complain about.

    Now, if I'm still around next week, I'll catch you then, but jeeeze! I hadda say that, now that I'm given the chance by getting the reviews early. LOL.



    Reviewed by: Saundra Mitchell

    I have a confession to make: I'm a Batman fan - have been since I was a little kid. I was aware of Superman, but he was a red and blue entity I occasionally glimpsed from the corner of my eye. Truth, Justice, the American Way, yadda yadda - big old Boy Scout, innately good, does good things, isn't that nice?

    The Batman, however... he was screwed up! He had to struggle! Very bad things happened to him, and he thought very bad things, but he was a good guy anyway. He crafted himself into the perfect vigilante; he wasn't just a punch and kick action hero - he was the world's greatest detective! Yeah, work for it, baby, now that's a hero!

    What does that have to do with the Superman Homepage and Smallville? Quite a lot, actually, because the only reason I tuned into Smallville was because they promised me something no Supes comic or cartoon ever had: the story of how Clark Kent grew up to be Superman, the story of how Lex Luthor grew up to be a villain, and the story of their doomed friendship.

    Smallville promised me things, grand things, but most of all, it promised to make me understand how a baby from Krypton could become Earth's Adopted Son; it promised me - a Bats girl - a way to relate to the big guy, so he could be my hero, too. And that's why I'm here - as a screenwriter, as a genre fan, and as a comic book fan - to review just how close they come to that mark, or how far afield they fall of it.

    That's my introduction, and with that in mind, what did Jeph Loeb & Stephen DeKnight's "Unsafe" tell us about the hero and archvillain to be?

    Why, it told us they're both too stupid to live. The fact that either of them could chew gum and walk at the same time amazes me; I am thoroughly impressed by the breadth and width of their idiocy.

    Let's start with Lex, since he had a nice, simple C plot. Lionel shows up at Lex's house (again) to get back in his good graces (again); Lex is unsure about Lionel's motives (again!) seeing as how dear old dad tried to have him killed just recently (again!!) but in the end, Lex decides to let Lionel into into his life - AGAIN!

    What kind of moron must Lex be to not only have security who's willing to usher Lionel into the house unexpectedly, but to decide to put him up on the grounds? He put the guy who poisoned his liquor - TWICE - and who threatened to do so AGAIN - within walking distance of his bar! For a future criminal mastermind, Lex hasn't even mastered the basics of toddlerhood - if it hurts, don't do it, and for god's sake, don't do it AGAIN!

    So yeah, not so much with the mastermind.

    But then, Clark can't ever have sex. Ever. And he can't ever have sex, ever, ever, ever, because he's so intellectually compromised, he can't offer informed consent - it would literally be a crime to nail Clark Kent.

    Let's see - the girl who stalked him, the girl who assaulted her father, the girl who assaulted his ex-girlfriend, has allegedly been cured by some unknown doctor at Belle Reve - a facility that doesn't seem to have a problem with administering medically unnecessary electroshock therapy on the orders of not a physician, but a local businessman - and all Clark can think is, "Yay! Girlfriend for me!"

    But the stupid doesn't stop there, folks. Our villainness for this piece drugs our hero, he proposes - because even Red K Clark can't bear the ignominy of premarital sex - they have thoroughly gratuitous and fruitless foreplay for a thousand years, just so the Puritan Police can pop up with the Bound Rule of Sexual Engagement: people who have pre-marital sex are likely to be the victims of violent crime, because at least half of all people who have sex are psychotic. (Lawfully wedded sex may have the same effect if your initials are L.L.)

    The sad thing is, he's always been this stupid - I'd just hoped he'd grow out of it. The first girl who knew his secret and loved him for him and was his destiny, Kyla (remember her?) committed several murders and assaulted Ma Kent, but Clark wept the Bitter Tears of 24 Hour True Love when she died (as a result, I'd like to point out unnecessarily, of assaulting Lionel Luthor.) I guess the dumb AGAIN! stick struck twice in Smallville; it struck several times during this episode alone.

    There is a vast difference between believing in the best in people and being downright addlepated, and young Master Kent has jumped that crevasse with a single, idiotic bound - and worse, we also learned that he's a selfish idiot. The boy who becomes Superman later in life doesn't care who gets hurt when there's the potential for a little Supernookie. Boy howdy, I'm glad he's an alien because he has absolutely no business breeding.

    And as for the friendship of legend...

    There. Now I've said as much about it as "Unsafe" did. Fortunately, seeing Alicia in her lingerie totally made up for that - I mean, who needs story when you have lace-clad boobies as special guest stars?

    No cookies for Smallville this week. That's right, none. I'm giving them to Bruce Wayne, whom I trust would actually chew them before trying to swallow. I have no such high hopes for Clark Kent and Lex Luthor.

    - - - -

    Love Letter to Neal:

    Dear Neal,

    You know what I said about the way they've written Chloe's transition from bright Girl Friday to fat, ugly girl nobody can possibly love? I think this episode definitively proves that - Red K Clark and Bride of Kryptonite didn't go all the way and Jason valiantly refused Lana's offer of her special Talon Mix. Consequently, none of them are EEEVIL or genuinely insane - see above for the Bound Rule of Sexual Engagement.

    Likewise, more consequently, since the foundation was lain in Scare and all, and we know that Jimmy Olsen is going to be Clark's superawesomebestestfriendever in the future and thus cannot be murdered or go crazy, that the Bound Rule of Sexual Engagement dictates that Chloe both needs to be punished for going all the way and she also has to go crazy and attack somebody.

    Wanna make a dollar bet on who that somebody will be? Smallville's slightly short of a big bad this season on Clark's side and these guys are awful fond of the "Hell hath no fury" trope...

    I'm just saying.



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