Thank Zod It’s Friday! – October 26, 2018 Edition

Pathetic bootscum of the third planet from your yellow sun, Houston, it is I, your master, General Zod.

May you perish painfully on this so-called holiday, your masks hiding your grimaces of terror, the only joyful notion being that you died in horror, not at the hands of your General.

Zod!

Now, some pragmatic advice for what little remains of your short lives:

Rumored news of Cavill is suspending and possibly finishing his time as Superman surfaced last month. What are your views on this topic?

Cav-El, you mean? The… SNERK… “Super” man who thought it plausible, on camera, to show the snapping of General Zod’s neck and have anyone believe that remotely plausible?

BWA HA HA HA! Zod scoffs at such naked treachery and ignorant thought process.

Regarding his departure as the son of our jailer, Zod has always known his portrayal to be second to that of Reeve, for Reeve, though he was quite game in helping perpetuate the hoax that our documentary film was in fact, a Move-Ee, also most closely imitated Kal-El in his truest state.

There is importance in accuracy. When Zod uses his eye lasers to take out a satellite, for instance, imprecision could mean the end of the moon. Or, more appropriately, the continued existence of the Kardashi-En show which Ursa so loves as garbage television, but which Zod cannot stand. Zod likes a large posterior as much as the next Kryptonian, but he abhors fame for fame’s sake. One should achieve fame in the proper way, through murder and treachery.

More to the point, though any portrayal that denigrates the son of our jailer is something that Zod approves of, he disapproves of Cav-El’s portrayal MORE, for it is imprecise. Kal-El is a moral buffoon, a righteous simpleton so driven to goodness that he would never, ever kill an enemy, and depicting him as a killer is imprecise.

That said, the illusion that Zod was dead allowed Zod to do many things behind the scenes he might otherwise have faced scrutiny for, so this is what you would call a poser. With that said, Zod is never conflicted, Zod is decisive, so Zod will stand with good riddance to the Cav-El, and await eagerly a worthy successor to mock at leisure.

Also the Supergirl series will have a crossover with other shows that have Superman wearing black. Some say that there will be a version of him turned evil or perhaps he will turn evil for this event. What are your views on it?

Black clothing is rather complex. Though it typifies evil, and this is certainly why Zod wears it, it can also signify goodness going through a difficult change, or even a form of symbolic refutation of evil, as when worn by Johnny Cash. At least this is what Non writes in his detailed letters to me, after he reads his Car-El Jung books. Zod cares little for such nuance.

Zod’s point being, regardless of potential interpretation, it is laughable that the son of our jailer could even hope to aspire to be evil in the slightest. Such superiority is the sole domain of General Zod.

Zod!

And there is also rumors of a Superman spinoff series. What are your thoughts and views on this?

Zod loves to see Kal-El spin off, after Zod throws him. Zod is all for this.

Would you make an appearance if there was a series?

Zod would not, even were it to make Kal-El spin off. Though Zod looks exactly as he did in 1977, despite whatever false comments Ursa may make about his supposed Pot Bell-Ee, and would look fantastic on the screen, his continued plot to surreptitiously control the world would be hindered if more people knew of his continued existence save the audience of this advice column.

What’s your view on the show Krypton?

Zod has not viewed it, but Zod presumes it only affirms his claim that the planet still exists and the scientists of our planet were lunatics after profit by propagating a climate change hoax.

Have you ever encountered a being known as Darkside? If you have, what we’re your encounters with this being like? Did you ever meet a being known as Brainiac?

Zod is familiar with Darkseid and Brainiac. Zod has not encountered them personally. He finds their villainy worthy of approval, but second in every respect to the villainy of Zod. Brainiac’s brains would be inferior to my own, and Darkseid’s Omega Beams pale in comparison to my lasers.

Do you hear that Brainiac? Do you hear that, Darkseid? I challenge you! Come before me! Fight, if you dare! I defy you!

Zod will show you the backseid of his fist! You will be the New God of pain!

Brainiac, Zod will show you a skull ship, when he has a brief but passionate relationship with what remains of your head after Zod removes it! That’s right! Zod ships pain!

Zod!

Lastly, years ago Superman fought and briefly died in a fight against the monstrous creature doomsday. How would you have dealt with this monstrous creature?

I would send the creature that destroyed Kal-El a thank you card, and a tasteful fruit basket, and delegate said task to Non. With that said, I know for a fact that the son of our jailer lives, so sadly, this story you saw was simply another fiction.

Thank you for your time in reading my questions General.

Happy Friday,
Spidey2878

You are welcome, now die, as you deserve to.

[PS] I almost forgot this question. What’s your views on the possible cgi Reeve Superman movie? Thanks again for reading my question.

Zod loves CGI, provided Zod doesn’t see it. When he sees it, it fails in its duty as a storytelling medium. It is not as bad as purporting that Zod can be killed, but it is close to that feeling you have when you let a super-fart and are unsure if it is simply air or if you must change your unitard.

Unitard!

Kal-Ed wrote:

General,

What advice would you give if you were to buy a used property? Would you have it destroyed and set a new foundation, or would you rather remodel with a look that is most suitable for a ruler?

Awaiting your reply, most venerable General.

(Hey that rhymed pretty good)

Zod is intimately familiar with real estate, having destroyed many properties, and outright taken many more to sell for his own profit. He tends to deal in continents more than houses, for example, when he gifted Australia to the Tess-Mocker in the wake of Luth-Or’s raising of Zod’s ire, but he has been known to buy and sell a property or two in his cover identity, for simple amusement, and to pass the idle time.

Generally speaking, it is always financially prudent to put lipstick on the pig, to borrow a human expression. New work is more costly than old work revision, and besides, it is far easier to paint and spruce up a property than it is to take it down to its foundations and start again. Even if you have superpowers and can raise a house at super-speed, the permits required are a headache that vexes even one as mighty as myself.

To that end, I recommend purchasing a property at least approximately fifteen percent below the going market value, and putting no more than five percent of the home’s value into fixing it. That leaves a comfortable cushion for you to begin savings to flip houses in more desirable areas, and in time, you will be amass enough wealth to be valuable to Zod, at which time Zod will immolate you and take said cash. You will have the peace of knowing you served him better than the person who razed the house to the foundation and simply broke even. That person, in contrast, will not be granted a quick death.

Kent-Darr wrote:

Hey General, so your all badass and that now and was while on krypton but in that little bit in between when Jor-El condemned Yourself, Ursa and Non to The Phantom Zone we Houston-lings could see and hear you screaming Noooooooooooo, HELP US, PLEASE among other things. So, are you a big erm….. scaredy cat really or was The Phantom Zone really that bad and also just how tight was it for you 3 in there?? Will look forward to your response.

First off, Kent-Darr, “and that now and was while” is not an appropriate antecedent to a sen-tence. However, Zod takes your meaning, and understands your statement all the same.

Let Zod tell you something about the Phantom Zone.

Have you ever reached up and tried to grab something, and accidentally gotten your fingernail caught, and the way you learned that said fingernail was too long was the excruciating agony that followed when said nail bent back? Now imagine that, times a thousand. This is the suffering you will feel for criticizing Zod.

As for the Phantom Zone, it is only frightening to babies and the foolish, and those not as strong as General Zod.

What you heard, and what you mistakenly misinterpret as cowardice on the part of Zod, was not fear in the face of the Phantom Zone, though Zod knows you would wet your human pants at the thought of going, as opposed to the reality. What you heard was Julie-Ard level acting on the part of a consumate professional of evil.

Do you know how much it costs to built a ship to Earth? Jor-El was working on one when last I saw him, and, bringing this back to the question of home flipping, he had to refinance his dome for a second time to build it.

Zod, meanwhile, allowed himself to be captured and sent to the Phantom Zone, knowing that Jor-El would send him toward Earth as a way to test the trajectory of his rocket, and make sure that it would fly toward where he wished it to.

In this fashion, Zod got what he wanted, another planet to conquest, and he also got free airfare. Take that, Kryptonian Travelocity!

Had the nuclear weapon from Par-Is (P-A-R-I-S, Paris, Miss Lane) not freed Zod, Zod would have simply flexed one bicep (B-I-C-E-P) and freed himself when he reached Earth’s mesopause.

Mesopause!

As for how tight it is in the Phantom Zone? Well, Zod heard a youth once use the word “tight” in reference to something that was, as the kids say, phat, so Zod asserts that anywhere Zod remains is hella tight.

Clark_Jo writes:

To the first question, what if Zod were real and Superman wasn’t.

Zod cautions those sensitive to language not to watch this video, and then die, as you deserve to, for your lack of bravery.

Zod watched this video in full in the restroom, and found it an interesting philosophical debate. What if Zod were real, and the son of our jailer was not?

And yet, it is moot, and Zod can easily reduce this to absurdity, logically speaking, by pointing out that given the level of challenge Kal-El presents to General Zod, it is akin to Kal-El not having existed at all, for all the worth his efforts have.

To that end, Zod finds the video largely redundant, save the idea of Keith Jard-Ine or The Rock being sent to destroy Zod in absence of the second most credible threat, the son of our jailer.

Come to me, Keith Jard-Ine! I defy you! Ground and pound? Zod will make you sky and die!

And you, The Rock! Zod defies you! Can you smell what the Zod is cooking? It’s punches! Face the pain soup of General Zod!

Zod!

On to other matters.

You may wonder, given last week, if Ursa has returned, the answer is of course. She always returns. She may have brought sixty more accursed patches to add to her collection, but as expected, she has crawled back.

It matters not that Zod had to abandon his new home and return to his previous home to find her, hiding in plain sight, in our newly rebuilt home. It also has no meaning that she demanded a false apology of Zod, nor that Zod gave it, for like his trip into the Phantom Zone, his treacherous lie of apology is a means to an end that she cannot possibly fathom in its complexity and brilliance… and neither should you try. Needless to say, her apostrophic treachery of the week previous has been properly punished, and Zod is putting his socks in the hamper to punish her more smelly than before.

Now, as I have proven the challenge of all your questions lacking again, I retire to putter in my perfectly green lawn. I look forward to my yearly child slaughter when those small enough to challenge Zod with a trick face my wrath. Trick or treat? SMELL ZOD’S FEET AND DIE!

Yours in villainy,

Zod

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