Thank Zod It’s Friday! – October 19, 2018 Edition

Insipid beings of Planet Houston, it is I, your leader, Zod.

Yet another week has come and gone, somehow, and Zod has busied himself trying not to annihilate everything out of sheer boredom as he watches the mortals of this planet fart from their mouths in every conceivable media. The lawn got mowed, and Zod’s garage is somewhat more in order. This shall suffice.

Now, to your relationship and life questions:

Paul S. wrote:

Hello General.
Hypothetically speaking. If the three of you had defeated Superman and taken over the world. Do you think that “man-hating” Ursa would eventually turn on you? Or do you think she’d stay loyal?

Paul-Es, you make a foolish, mistaken assumption, that Zod has not succeeded in his quest to take over the world. Look around you. Examine your Houston news. Is it not plain that a diabolical and devious puppet-master pulls the strings on everything? People do not bend toward your human Fasc-Ism on a whim, they must be directed so, and I, your hidden leader, am responsible.

You are welcome. Or you may bathe in the light of eye lasers. Regardless, Zod wins.

I also question your assessment of Ursa. I believe I made clear in another letter that this is a simple matter of misinterpretation, an understandable mistake made by lesser beings. Ursa, you see, does not hate men specifically. That would make her a Misand-Rist, I believe, in the parlance of your world.

No. Ursa is a Misan-Thrope, as is Zod. We hate all people equally, for they are all beneath our boots and unworthy of regard save how they service us, their leaders.

I of course say leaders in the plur-al only to acknowledge that Ursa is above all humans, but make no mistake, this is not in deference. She, as all, are below Zod in the hierarchy of importance and power.

Regardless, if Ursa were to turn on me, the battle would be swift and painless for Zod.

Zod!

And in fact, Ursa has had such aspirations, from time to time, as people who live together for extended periods of time are prone to. Zod, however, wears the unitard in this family unit.

Example. Just three days ago, after Non replaced the patch collection as Zod willed it to be into Ursa’s rebuilt patch room, in exchange for an end to the impatient hostilities that plagued the mansion in the weeks previous, Ursa again had aspirations of power, coming to Zod and demanding that he no longer leave his boots on the floor when done with the days murder and surreptitious control of the world.

Zod, of course, gave a healthy and long laugh, and agreed to do no such thing. In response, Ursa, believing herself in some form of advantageous position, leveled the house from orbit while Zod recovered from being kicked in his Test-Icles.

However, as ambitious and successful as this now seems, the last laugh is on Ursa, for Zod simply did as Zod does every time she does this, and threw some family out of their house and took it for his own. You see, your house is my house, literally, unless it is the house of El. And where is she sleeping now? Zod cares not.

But if you hear from her, do ask her to get in contact with me, if only so Zod can continue to show her lack of tactical ability.

Spider2878 wrote:

On this planet it is said that dogs are a man’s best friend, and since Superman has Krypto the superdog, I assume there was an equivalent of the canine species on your planet. So was the saying “a dog is a man’s best friend” the same on Krypton? And since Superman had a superpet, on krypton did you have any pets that would’ve had the same super powers that you do on this planet?
What do you think of the recent release of your action figure?
Thank you for time in reading my questions General.
Happy Friday!

There is certainly an equivalent to a dog on Krypton, and Zod calls it anyone from the House of El.

However, there is some merit to the idea of a pet being a best friend, and in a sense, Zod has one in the human race. You are fairly easy to train. Even laboring under a modest income, you are perfectly willing to live in debt, and not demand any better from your leaders, and these leaders, in turn, will do anything for several diamonds that Zod crushes from coal.

As for back on Krypton, Zod once had a Pryllgu named Nard-Vex that he would enjoy watching destroy things. Zod would not feed his pet, for weakness is anathema to time with Zod, and yet sometimes, at the end of a long day, when the red sun would set, casting its fine light upon the glory of Zod, Zod would muse existentially on the nature of existence, and while he did so, the Pryllgu would come and put his head on my lap.

One day, Ursa saw my doing this, and said to me, “Nard’s on your lap.” She then started laughing. It was only later that I caught on to her apostrophic treachery, and in response, Zod refused to take out the garbage. Point Zod.

Zod!

At any rate, I left him behind when I came to Houston to get revenge on the son of our jailer, and presumably he is still there, eating ships, for as we know, the idea that Krypton has blown to bits is a scientist hoax designed for Kryptonian scientists to gain more political funding. Zod saw the planet not blow up once, ergo it is impossible that it has blown up now. This is logic. Learn it, humans.

Lapidus Ex wrote:

Yes, Faora is an actress who in real life is Antje Traue, also known as An of Steel. By the way, the glyph on her armor is not an F.

True members of Zod’s troupe do not wear shields on their chest. Zod’s chest hair is sufficient to proclaim his masculinity, virility, and superiority.

Zod has read the ridiculous idea that Sny-Dur put into his film that the S on Superman’s shield stands for hope. Zod can spell. Zod is smart. Zod knows that the symbol on the son of our jailer’s chest stands for nothing, save sitting beneath his boot.

Hope does not stand under Zod, any fool can see this. Look at your world.

However, Zod has not considered the significance of the symbol on the character Faora’s chest, because the last time Zod tried, Ursa went on one of her tangents about how Zod doesn’t love her any more, as if Zod ever loved anyone or anything, and Zod was forced to endure her silent treatment for days, so Zod simply deigned it unworthy of his attention.

Now, however, with Ursa sleeping outside, presumably (Zod cares not), Zod, upon consideration, would approve of a symbol on one of his female followers provided it signified something benign, like her name, and not hope.

Zod, however, is forced to wonder what you mean when you say it is not an F? But Zod will not wonder for long. Zod has cut farts that lasted longer than he spends wondering about the minutiae of a fiction. Zod is not a fan-boy. Zod rules the world.

Zod!

In closing, yet again I have not been challenged by your questions, sadly, and so I will have to seek another challenge. Who dares to face me? Is there no one on this planet with any gall or courage?

Kal-El? No? Silence?

Very well. Fasc-Ism continues. Until next week, I remain, your leader, disrespectfully:

General Zod.

Also, one last thing. Someone wrote and criticized Zod for a typographical error in his last column.

Fool! He has been found and liquidated. Zod brooks no pedants.

Zod does not make typographical errors. You inflict readographical errors on Zod, stupid face. KNEEL!

Tell your friends
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