MORTALS. It is Novem-Ber. If Zod could be cold, he would be.
May you freeze in your pathetic boots, not only from the weather, but fear of my wrath.
And now, advice.
First let me apologize for my name.
Why? Zod has known many good Svens.
While I come from the House of El, I am but a third cousin of Jor-El.
My father long thought him a fool for ignoring your counsel. The fact that the planet Houston has thrived under your wise, powerful, and magnanimous leadership is proof that he was right.
Of course he was a fool. But seeing as you have saw fit to refute his errors, Zod will put you on El-Probation. It is a little known fact that not everyone in the House of El is awful. Zod was known, when he lived on Krypton, to share a beer at times with Cru-El, a delightful scamp who was known for drinking too much Thanagarian whiskey. He would then find one of his seven brothers (even better – members of the House of El) while they slept, and proceed to kill them and laugh, merely for Zod’s amusement.
Zod misses Cru-El.
I heard rumors that the son of Jor-El hides among the humans as an ordinary person. What do you make of these rumors? Could the son of your hated foe really be that much of a coward as to use humans as a shield?
Zod is sure the son of our jailer thinks he is protecting them by being among them, but yes, he could. Zod has heard these rumors as well. My own agents have told me that he is seeking a way to undermine the Fasc-Ism I have been covertly seeding worldwide. He will fail, as he fails in all things. Mockingly, Zod asks if he would care to step outside? But of course he will not. He is a coward.
On this note I have long wondered if you employ the use of spies and decoys to smoke Kal-El out of hiding.
Zod does not. Zod cares not what the coward does, or where he is, outside of idly monitoring his presence. Should he show himself in any way, Zod will of course find and crush him, to the tune of the Average White Band’s Pick Up the Pieces.
This is the best song to pummel your enemies to, next to Madon-Na’s Material Girl. Try it. Zod assures you, you’ll like it.
I ask as [I] once saw someone at my church who bore a striking resemblance to yourself ( though he lacked your goatee). If true, I must admit I was afraid, not of you, but that Kal-El may be nearby. See my father owed him ten dollars and he claims I must pay him back. If I pledge my loyalty to you, will this debt be canceled?
Ah, so you saw me. Very well. Zod will let you in on a little secret. Zod knew of this debt all along, and went to this church to defend you, as a Mafioso defends a storefront. Zod knows all, and Zod sees all, and Zod is definitely not conveniently appropriating your story and peppering it with a lie to ensure your undying loyalty.
P.S. In one of your earlier columns, you mentioned Monkeybella. How is the little poo-flinging French Monkey witch doing?
Ah, Monkeybella. Yes. Many are unaware of the glory that is Monkeybella. She was conjured from thin air by a hack writer ten to fifteen years ago, in a form of strange magic anthropomorphic comedy, and thereafter, served him well, until Zod found him and stole her from him for my own pleasure.
We cannot speak, of course, but she says things in French constantly. Mostly babble and ooks about “Secrets and mensonges!” Zod cares little, save that it is amusing.
Over the years Monkeybella has gone from merely proficient in her ability to whip and fling poo to somewhat of a Torquasm-Vao master of combat and arbitrary drama. Though Zod is invulnerable and she is, to wit, quite squishy, he will sometimes spar with her, on occasion, when the mood is right. She scores hits absent of value, and one day, perhaps, Zod will grant her the powers he has under a yellow sun and set her to fight Beppo.
Until that day, however, she remains one of Zod’s chief, if oldest, vassals. Zod considers her more loyal than Non or Ursa, if not as powerful, and ultimately stupid.
Lex Luthor has had a meteorite in his possession that takes away kryptonian powers and makes them weak. This meteorite is known as Kryptonite since it’s origin is speculated to have come from your planet Krypton. Have you ever come in contact with such an object, and how would you avoid or dispose of it?
Zod has never come into contact with Kryptonite, because Zod is not a fool. He has heard of it, and he knows its effects. He once watched from afar as Luth-Or, deposed ruler of Australia, used it on Kal-El.
However, the reason Zod has not felt its effects is because Zod has powers far beyond those of normal mortals. These include x-ray vision, telescopic vision, and superspeed. People have tried to come to Zod with Kryptonite, but I see it from miles away. And even when it is encased in lead, Zod can see it coming plainly. I mean, people do not ordinarily carry lead boxes toward your house, and when they do, it’s clear they’re carrying Kryptonite, so Zod simply goes up into the sky at superspeed and blows them four hundred miles through the air, exploding their skulls.
It’s not that hard, Zod doesn’t understand why the son of our jailer hasn’t picked up on it.
On this Planet Earth (or as you would call it Houston), Superman is known as a superhero with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men. Abilities that come from Earth’s yellow sun. On Krypton were there any such person or persons that had such abilities without the need of a yellow sun? And if there is any such person, do they take the path of being a hero, or not?
Known as a superhero by some, perhaps, the soon to be annihilated.
But in response to your question, there was indeed a person of power and ability beyond those of mortal men on Krypton. The man Zod speaks of had biceps that made women cry, and swimming blue eyes that made men change their sexual orientation. He walked with the groove, and his beard could cut ice. His chest hair was so magnificent, his shirts would naturally repel themselves in a V formation.
This specimen, of course, was your ruler, General Zod. Since Zod left Krypton, however, no, there have been no worthy people that Zod is aware of.
Lastly, I have heard of Kryptonian Gods such as Rao, Nightwing, and Flamebird. Who are they? And what is there significance on Krypton’s history and religion?
They are petty, insignificant fairy tales that pale in the comparison to Krypton’s one true deity. Oh my God? No. Zod.
They are only worthwhile inasmuch as they teach people how to be servile before legends, such as myself, but as they are not about me, your leader, they must be purged and rewritten.
Thank you in taking some time in reading my questions General Zod. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Happy Friday General.
Zod is never happy, merely better, but he accepts your fealty with the grace that befits his nature.
P.S I almost forgot to ask this, do you have any heroes that you look up to for inspiration? Someone like Kal-el, who many refer to as Superman?
Zod has a mirror that serves this purpose beautifully. But if you’re asking who Zod can appreciate, then Zod has a list of recent villains he enjoys. They are lesser beings, in all things, but he respects them for their tenacious commitment to villainy. Zod would mop the floor with them, but all the same, he respects their overall achievements in rottenness.
They include, but are not limited to, Milo Yiannopoulos, that creature from the Upside-Down, Ted Cruz, Comcast, Donald Trump, Duterte, Maduro, Gorilla Grodd, the lead singer of Nickelback, Captain Ron, Walter White, Lana Lang, Ted Nugent, Mickey Mouse, Supreme Leader Snoke, Khan, Mitch McConnell, Reddit commenters, bicyclists that run stop signs, Roseanne Barr, and ear buds. They way they insidiously rip themselves from your ears when they catch on things is pivotal villainy.
And Between Jor-el and Kal-el, which one do you believe is your greatest rival and why? And lastly, what’s the history between you and Jor-el? Before he sent you into the phantom zone, you offered him a place at your side. So what’s story? Was he your friend?
Zod thinks little of either as a rival, but in terms of Jor-El, he was never a friend. Zod does not have friends. Zod has allegiants.
Zod once thought that Jor-El could have a place in his new order, however. This was a grand mistake. It is clear this place belongs to Monkeybella, or Ursa. For you see, there is something any wise leader needs, and that is a jester. The heavy weight of murder, tyranny, and fascist action must be counterbalanced with the joy of a good fart joke, or a creature who can think of the funniest ways to smack people into walls.
Zod at first thought Jor-El’s plan to shoot people into space was a delightful prank. When he suggested he might be able to send a baby, the hilarity level went through the crystal roof. When Zod saw Jor-El successfully lobby to change the council’s outfits from austere cloth into tinfoil with a sigil on the chest, Zod knew he’d found his fascist humor-buddy.
And yet when Zod went to Jor-El and asked him what would be more funny, snapping the neck of a guard until he screamed “OLERT OLERT OLERT” or putting a firesnake down the pants of Prude-El, he simply looked at Zod strangely as Zod farted. He did not laugh.
At this point, Zod knew that Jor-El was not an ally, but when Zod realized that the video he’d shown of Non doing the OLERT thing to the guard was evidence, Zod was, for once, off guard, at which time Jor-El distracted Zod with a cleverly placed donut with a Jor-El sign on it, and while Zod was confused, pressed the button to bring the rings down, as a coward might. Pathetic.
Since then, and since I allowed him to send me into the Phantom Zone to seek a greater challenge, Zod has not called Jor-El a bro. Zod hopes he perished on Krypton somehow, but given that it is still there, Zod is antagonized to think Jor-El somehow still walks under a red sun. No matter. His life is its own insipid punishment. Be a bro, not a Jor-El.
Until next week, Zod remains: