Thank Zod It’s Friday! – November 2, 2018 Edition

Planet Houston, tremble before me until you fart and die, as you deserve to, for it is I, your master, General Zod. I am doing well. How are you? Never mind. Zod cares not.

Now, to relationship and life advice.

Kal-Ed writes:

General…If there is one thing that some of us cannot stand here are trolls. They do have a habit of spreading their toxic and venomous hatred of all things not suitable to their own vision and make us annoyed and angry with them. How would you prefer to deal with that sort of nuisance and what method of talking or typing would you choose?
Thank you most venerable General.

Oh, Zod has been online. Houston internet is, to put it mildly, a cesspool. Though none are superior in their villainy to that of Zod, there are many online who come close.

Trolls are weak, pathetic cowards, but then, so are most humans. Zod lumps them in with the rest. With that said, he takes the tactic of not feeding a troll, outside of the most extreme of circumstances, say, to defeat the troll in a fashion that is certain.

For example, hypothetically, if someone were to write Zod and ask a question of his advice column that was, potentially, a trolling, Zod would simply respond in a way to make them look more foolish than Zod, and then Zod would laugh while he destroyed everywhere in the traced IP address’ vicinity with eye lasers. Bye bye, troll! I have fed you death, as you deserve.

But in response to the honest question, Zod is of two minds. Zod thinks, for instance, that parody is one of the greatest tools of comedy that ever existed. Does Zod laugh? Yes, Zod laughs. Zod laughs at death, destruction, mayhem, murder, and most of all, the people driven before him, but it is a little-known fact that Zod was also classically educated and learned nuance, to better send his more articulate enemies fleeing. Zod is so smart, he has even recently learned to hyphenate, as a habit, most adjectival modifiers.

Adjectival modifiers!

When he sees them, anyway.

At any rate, to Zod’s point, one might consider this entire column, potentially, an act of trolling, if one were, as some have suggested, to believe that General Zod is actually an act put on for humor. This is not so, for I sit right here, in my unitard, but in an age of cynicism, it would be easy for people to believe otherwise.

But were it so, Zod asserts, it would be a supreme act of parody, not trolling. Fools who cannot differentiate often get mad at parody because it shares tools with trolls, but they are, of course, fools. The intention of parody is to surreptitiously (as Zod surreptitiously rules the world) inform, educate, and persuade, while the goals of a troll are to simply sow chaos through deception and lies.

That I am informing you of your imminent demise, educating you in the nature of your inferiority, and persuading you to RUN! EYE LASERS! is what the redundant call irregardless.

IRREGARDLESS!

MattComics writes:

General, after your hand was crushed to a fine powder and you were tossed across the Fortress like a sack of potatoes did you consider that maybe dissing Superman’s decor and threatening his girlfriend wasn’t the best idea? After all, he did say he expects better manners from his guests.
Perhaps purchasing a book on etiquette would be helpful to you.

Zod has already explained that his hand was not crushed to fine powder, and that it was, in fact, an elaborate ruse to begin his surreptitious war against humanity. You must read the previous columns, MattComics, or Zod will be unable to help you.

As for the son of our jailer and his expectations, Zod cares not. He said he expected better manners, Zod said he would kneel, who got what they wanted? Zod.

Zod!

Etiquette is a pathetic attempt for Earth people to feel superior to one another that creates infighting and class superiority. If one were to say to Zod, “Be respectful,” Zod would simply point to the internet and use his eye lasers on their face while they were distracted by the utter horror.

But more to the point, his décor is terrible, Zod did all the lifting when he picked me up by the hand, and Zod find it hard to respect or take seriously anyone who throws cellophane.

Cellophane!

General Zod,

On this planet there is a holiday called Halloween. On this celebration, many people go to parties and they wear scary masks and costumes. And children go from house to house wearing their costumes receiving free candy. On your planet Krypton was there ever a holiday like this one? And what Halloween mask or costume would you choose for this yearly occasion?

Thank you for reading my questions general. I look forward to reading your response. I send you a thumbs up for your awesome response to my comments.

Happy Friday, and Happy Halloween.
Spidey2878

Zod knows of Halloween. He will sometimes participate, going as, of course, General Zod. People compliment him on the accuracy of his portrayal, and Zod smiles, as he deserves to. This is his mask, superiority.

There is no Halloween on Krypton, or at least, I never learned of one, but there is a day much like it, and it’s not necessarily a holiday, it is simply any given day Zod is present. Instead of saying something insipid, like “Trick or treat!”, Zod instead goes to people’s houses, burns them down with his eye lasers for not swearing fealty to Zod, and then he takes their candy.

It is quite a trick.

And so again, here we are, another week of advice, another group of letters defeated handily. Does no one wish to challenge Zod? Am I doomed forever to walk through the world, this Houston, superior to others?

Zod sighs.

Until next week!

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