Thank Zod It’s Friday! – November 16, 2018 Edition

Voting miscreants of Planet Houston, it is your ruler, General Zod, here for a recount of punches to your faces!

And now, before the consumption of several dozen of your tur-keys, it is time for good advice from the wisest being in your periphery.

PERIPHERY!

Sven-El writes:

Thank you, General for both your response and your protection. Hence forth, I pledge my loyalty to Zod.

As is only logical, lest one faces searing tortuous death by eye laser.

What are your thoughts on the existence of the multiverse? I ask as I’ve often wondered if Chancellor Finis Valorum of Coruscant was a multiverse counterpart of yours.

There is, of course, a multiverse, and Zod has traveled it widely. This is one of the reasons he is here, his most ideal host Earth, instead of the ten thousand others that are unafraid to stand up to tyrannical leaders. The fools.

“Chancellor” Finis Valorum does bear slight resemblance to Zod, if Zod were to age for several decades. Fortunately for Zod, Zod does not age, owing to the powers of a yellow sun. Zod’s luxurious mane of chest hair is as virile as it was in Houston 1977, no matter what quips Ursa may make when Zod is swapping unitards.

If one wishes to see a truly magnificent example of a Zod-like being acting as Zod might, Zod recommends the film The Limey. It is full of naughty words and fighting and death and everything wonderful.

Valorum is one of those strange creatures, an example of someone who may look like Zod, and speak like Zod, but is strangely spineless and easily conquerable. Zod dispatched him quickly out of pure disgust, in alliance with the visionary Palpatine. You may have noticed Zod’s presence if you watched the film of this. Zod is the elephant-looking blue creature adjacent when Palpatine seizes control, Mas Amee-Da. The subterfuge was required so Zod would not be seen as partnering with a lesser leader while eliminating his weaker looking self. In exchange, Senator Palpatinegave Zod his promised and requested compensation, a high-five Zod could feel, given the sheer volume and power of electricity coming from Palpatine’s fingertips.

It was boss.

I also wish to present you intel on a possible ally from another world in the multiverse. He calls himself Loki Laufeyson. Like you, he knows that only the wise and powerful should be fit to rule, and he also knows what it is like to fight against a self-professed demigod in a red cape, his half-brother, Thor. Loki is skilled in illusions and deceptions and all but tricked a titan called Than-Os. Would you have any interest in what they call a “team-up” with him to defeat the Son of Jor-El and Thor?

Zod does not “team up” with anyone. Zod allows others to follow him, some more closely, if it serves Zod. This is the only reason Ursa is ever allowed in the Zod-Cave.

As for Loki, Zod knows Loki. When Zod, on his epic quest for the tactile high-five, went to Asgard, Loki repaid Zod’sassistance in removing Odin from power while the elves were attacking with a high five that then became intangible, while saying “Too slow, bro!”

This was not boss. Loki will die, as he deserves to.

As soon as Zod finds him.

Spidey2878 writes:

General Zod,

There is a comic book series titled Earth 2.

Zod is familiar with comical books.

In this series one of the main heroes is Superman. However this Superman isn’t Kal-el. His name is Val-Zod. He was adopted by Jor-el and his wife Lara-el, and is the adopted brother of Kal-el. He was adopted after his parents were executed under Krypton’s court system.

Zod approves of the execution of political opponents.

After the destruction of Krypton and Kal-el’s abduction by alien being known as Darkside, Val-Zod became the permanent Superman of that earth. My question is how do you feel about their being a Zod who is known as Superman and wears the house of el symbol on his chest?

You may be surprised to realize that Zod is perfectly fine with this, fiction though it is, because Zod knows the nature of Zod. Eventually, mark my words, that so-called “Super” man will reveal his villainy. He is, like your ruler, merely wisely biding his time until everyone is not paying attention, to crush them. With projection.

From his eyes!

I’m not projecting, no matter what Ursa just quipped, over my shoulder. SILENCE, WOMAN!

And now she is wittily saying that she can’t hear Zod when he types. Well, she will soon hear Zod’s socks hitting the floor, and not the hamper. Victory: The General.

There is also a Superman comic series where Superman adopted your own son. In this story, you arrive on earth to conquer it and find your son.

Good so far. Zod procreates.

However your son had refused his bloodline, declaring himself as Kal-el’s son. However, after many years had passed through at least two somewhat reboots( new 52, rebirth), your son has shown no sign of ever being adopted by Kal-el, and has dedicated his life serving your will. What are your thoughts on these stories?

As per the story before, it is clear that this Zod was merely playing the son of our jailer. He is so easily played, that fool. I once told him a joke:

ZOD: Knock knock.
THE SON OF OUR JAILER: Who’s there?
ZOD: Zod has murdered the entire patronage of a coffee shop in the Hypersector.
THE SON OF OUR JAILER: What? You monster!

And then he flew off, without even seeing the punchline.

Ursa just said there is no punchline, because she is eavesreading, but Zod has a punchline. Ready for it?

She is a stupid face.

Aaaand there. Socks on the floor. No one can stop Zod.

Lastly, in the opening of the movie Superman, the landscape was shown to what appears to be snow and ice with buildings that look to be made of crystal and glass. Were there any other kinds of lands on your planet like desserts, and plant life? And did you have any oceans? And were there houses that were made out of any other materials besides crystal and glass?

There were wonderful forests, oceans, firefalls, and all kinds of wildlife on Krypton, that is, before job-killing regulations forced all of Zod’s business interests to destroy all the forests to fund the political fight for the right to pilfer them. It was tragic, how committed to compromise the politicians were. But Zod was victorious, do not fear.

Also, being wealthy, Zod of course kept a menagerie of the most pleasing plants and animals for his own private enjoyment. He is sure they wait for him, when he one day decides to return to Krypton.

I did think of one more question for you General. There was a Justice league animated film called Gods and Monsters. In this film Superman the last son of Krypton, was not the son of Jor-el. Rather he was your son. How do you feel about there being an animated film about earth’s greatest protector Superman being your son?

Zod is fine with this. Then when Zod is smacking him around, Zod can say “Who’s your daddy?”

This amuses Zod.

As always General, thank you for reading my questions and comments, and have a great weekend.

Zod has great weekends every weekend, for what greater joy is there than to be Zod?

I have one more question General.

Very well.

I know that you had mentioned that you haven’t seen the show Krypton, however my question is about character development. The writers of this show have written your character “General Zod” as Superman’s uncle. What are your views on this? A show where you are apparently related to the son of your jailer?

Zod is unafraid of ties, familial or biological. Ursa mocks me for this, and says it is not so, when she asks why I will not “put a ring on it.” She maligns my lack of commitment,as if Zod were not free to consort with whatever woman he wants. Any woman who stays with Zod should feel and know that privilege.

Family, however, is a good thing. To manipulate. With sons, daughters, uncles, and aunts, you have a nearly unlimited supply of patsies; people to blame your evils on, people to use to your own ends. It’s much like being a political leader. You use people, and then throw them away like tissue paper.

Ursa just told me this will ultimately leave me alone. Fine, I have said in response. Eventually someone will leave me alone, and stop looking over Zod’s shoulder.

Shoulder!

Speaking of the multiverse, on the show Smallville Jor-el’svoice sounds alot like yours. What are your thoughts on this General?

Zod thinks Smallville’s Jor-El is simply imitating Zod’sgreatness, knowing how pathetic he is in comparison. He does, however, admire the depiction of Jor-El as a maniacal manipulator with little to no moral compass or vision. This is so.

NOW!

Zod will adjourn to eat and eat until he has to destroy yet another bathroom with his superpowers. Ergo Zod will not grace you with his presence next week.

Until then, be bad, swear fealty, and despair.

Zod!