Thank Zod It’s Friday! – March 15, 2019 Edition

Zod welcomes you to another edition of his column warmly. No, he doesn’t. Zod is joking. Zod takes joy in your wretched peril and laughs at your misery.

A poem:

There is a riddle
The answer is known only
To those men who are not penitent
The answer to the question
Posed while standing, querulous
In early morning dew
Is etched in the skin
Burned by the bold
Eye laser of reckoning
There is a riddle:
What happens
When one does not
Kneel before Zod

And now, relationship advice:

General Zod,

What are your thoughts on the Prime 1 Studio’s Museum Masterline General Zod Figure?

Zod admires the artistry in the figure, and acclaims the talent of whoever the sculptor may be. Zod is not a fan of the likeness, however. Zod has a plunging, sexy V-neck in his outfit, and has absolutely no need for armor. There is no way my downy and aphrodisiac chest hair could spring past this chest plate:

Zod is also curious what another Zod might be doing in the Anthem universe. But Zod digresses.

Does Krypton have more than one language?

Yes. The language Zod speaks, and all of the others.

What are your thoughts on the movie villain Voldemort?

Zod admires anyone who lies in wait for many years to strike later. And yet, while Zod cannot reveal his plan to return on a public forum, he knows it will be far better than Voldemort’s. Slowly infiltrating a child’s school and the political system of a relatively small portion of the humanity you wish to subjugate is not nearly so effective as Zod’s method.

Also, horcruxes are what Zod calls a liability. If you have to hide because someone is going to kill you, use a clone.

Do Gremlins from the Gremlins movies make good pets?

Good AND hilarious. Zod has a gremlin he calls Tickle Me Elmo. Zod had Non stitch up a little Elmo outfit for the pocky beast, and the ensuing hilarity upon visitation of the orphanage is, as they say on your Houston, knee-slapping good times.

Would you help ET phone home?

Zod would throw ET home and eat his peanut candy. I defy you, ET!

If you had a magic lamp like in the Aladdin movie, what would your three wishes be and why?

Wish one: The identity of Captain Fart.

Wish two: The location of Captain Fart.

Wish three: Better Call Saul’s next season tomorrow, without any diminishment in production quality.

Have you ever heard of the TV show Uncle Floyd? If you have, what are your thoughts on it?

Zod has not. But I defy this Uncle Floyd. He will kneel before Zod.

Actually, wait. Zod has the Google.

Ah! Burl-Esk. Zod was a fan of Burl-Esk on Krypton. And Zod is also a fan of anything that began in the same era as Uncle Floyd.

And if you had the one ring from the lord of the rings series, what would you do with it?

Zod would probably give it back to Gollum. Zod can fly through the air and shoot fire from his eyes. A medieval army with trifling magical powers is no match for an eye laser from orbit. And should that Gandarf actually manage to come up with a spell that might harm your general, Zod would simply fly to orbit and x-ray vision him until he got the Rivendale skitters, also known as cancer. It’s not nice, but it’s a solution.

However, more to the point, Gollum is widely considered a villain in that story, but Zod has a different perspective. Yes, Gollum murdered a man for the ring, but, arguably, the ring’s power is responsible for that. So if you look at the overall picture, Gollum, a victim, was sitting there in a cave minding his own business eating fish when some greedy fat hobbitses came in there and stole from him when Gollum was rightly enforcing his castle doctrine. Then, many years later, while trying to recover his property in a bizarre form of FIND MY iPAD, he was literally enslaved by two of the decendents of the initial thief.

And then Gollum showed mercy for as long as hobbit-ly possible. And for it, he was burned to death in lava.

So Zod would fly Gollum back to his cave, give him the ring, and go eye laser the Shire.

Thank you for your time General.
Sincerely,
Superman2878

Indeed. And henceforth, I shall assume 2878 in your name is the number of son of our jailers you have enjoyed watching blown from their body in rap battles by the wicked stylings of General Zod.

Zod!

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