Houston-bound miscreants, it is I, General Zod.
First, some poetry.
General Zod has no equal in tailors
His eye lasers true buttock impalers
So sexy in gloss black
All the ladies have heart attacks
When he whups on the son of our jailer
And now, relationship advice.
Happy New Year! It’s been a year since I’ve last heard from you. Ha ha ha, a little new year’s joke.
Zod had a New Year’s joke as well. He killed everyone who was insolent to him. HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH! Get it?
Don’t worry, you’re cool.
What are your thoughts on secret identities? Are they a good idea or are they not necessary? And if you did have one, what would your secret identity be?
Zod actually has multiple secret identities. It is much like the fabled king who walked among his people, Henry Plead the Fifth, Zod believes it was. He did not want them to speak in fear, so he dressed as a peasant and strode among them. Zod dresses like a Houstonian and walks around in disguise so people are not immediately sent to their knees by his raw sexual magnetism or sheer apparent power. It doesn’t work all the time, but most of the time it does. Zod doesn’t use glasses, glasses would only bring out the color of his eyes. Zod uses copious amount sof Axe body spray. This makes Zod far less attractive.
What are your views on superheroes having secret locations? Superman has the fortress of solitude while the Batman has his bat cave. Do you think that they are necessary?
Zod has a man-cave. It is his secret location. Ursa is forbidden to enter, but she does anyway, curse her feminine soul! I shall eye-laser her for her insolence one day. It is not required, for Zod controls the entire Planet Houston, but Zod presumes that if one were as powerless and ridiculous as the Batty-Man or the son of our jailer, he would need a tiny museum to his minor victories to celebrate. When he wasn’t drinking himself to stupor, that is. I mean Batty-Man and the son of our jailer, of course. Zod never drinks himself to stupor, because everything is great for Zod. Everything. Nothing is ever bad.
Superman aka Kal-El managed to reverse time to stop a catastrophe. Some would even say that he reversed time to send you back to the phantom zone. Is that true? Did he send you back? And are you able to reverse time like he can?
Zod moves at the speed of time, and Zod can reverse time. He has used it on many occasions to do party tricks. For examples, one time Zod was at a party with the Legion of Doom and Gorilla Grodd decided for some reason to wear pants. Grodd thought it was pants time, or whatever. Zod cares little.
Zod pulled out a magician’s hat and said “Gorilla Grodd! Do you believe that Zod can make a rabbit appear out of his hat?”
Grodd, of course, said “No.”
Zod’s future self then approached Grodd from behind and lifted his pants clear over Grodd’s head, and ran away giggling, while present Zod said, “HEY PRESTO!”
The pants did not rip. Grodd has a good tailor, Zod must concede.
This next question may seem a bit odd, but what is your opinion about the movie series Ghost Busters?
Bustin’ makes Zod feel good.
And do you think that ghosts exist?
Zod is forever haunted by the ghost of Captain Fart. But he will destroy the fool. He will.
And on that note, what about vampires, and werewolves?
Zod stands with the prevailing logic that The Matrix 2 needed more. Aside from that, any claims of undeath are quickly quashed by eye lasers. You humans, I presume, have much to fear.
They exist, of course. Zod sees them creeping around at night being hunted by the Batty-Man. There is probably one of each in your basement. Don’t check. It makes them angry.
What is your opinion about Count Dracula?
Fantastic cereal. Zod loves its bursting chocolate flavor.
Do you believe in the paranormal?
Zod has experienced the paranormal. Ursa defies Zod regularly, and if there is anything that could be more four-times-less normal, Zod cannot conceive it.
The existence UFOs and extraterrestrials?
Ah, like the Martian Manhunter? Can he read my mind? Does he know I DEFY HIM? COME, HUNTER OF MEN, COME AND KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!
I don’t mean Kryptonians, I mean the short grey skinned big eyed ones in flying saucers. Have you ever come across any?
Ah, yes. The Greys. The Greys live four houses down. Their lawn would almost inspire Zod’s envy, were Zod not capable of simply uprooting it and taking it while saying, “HEY PRESTO!”
I almost forgot to ask about what your views are on both the series Star Wars and Star Trek. What is your opinion about both franchises?
Zod thinks Kylo Ren has a legitimate claim to the aristocracy. Darth Vader allowed sentiment to weaken him. Lightsaber battles are awesome.
Zod wishes to learn how to shoot electricity from his fingertips.
Zod is slightly in love with Tilly from Discovery.
Zod binge watches both regularly.
And what music does the great General Zod listens to? And movie genre do you prefer? Action? Horror? Comedy? Sci-fi?
Zod prefers to compose his own music on the recorder, but when he is not listening to his own, greatest music, he tends to listen to soft rock from the eighties and any German band that wears a unitard in homage to their leader. Kiss has good style sense.
What are your views on the possibility on there being an adaption to the Elseworld’s story Red Son? A story where Superman was raised in Communist Russia instead of his traditional history as being raised as an American?
Zod is familiar. Zod would watch such a comedy, to scoff at the idea that the son of our jailer could overcome anything, let alone an alternate history.
Also there is an article on the Superman Homepage that says that seeing a Superman image makes people more heroic. What are your views on this?
Zod is willing to concede that people are emboldened by iconography. Zod asks, however, if correlation is causation, and defies the purveyors of this study to explore what happens when someone sees Zod’s chest hair, and which is a more powerful symbol to the world at large, but doubts the cowards will have the bravery to do so.
Lastly, Superman’s Clone Superboy (not to be confused for Superboy his son), has returned to the comics. Do you think that his return will have any affect on the other Superboy? I hope that it doesn’t. I like both versions of this character, but I don’t want one to return just to replace another. What are your views on this general?
Zod thinks the son of the son of our jailer changing into another son of the son of our jailer is in no way complicated or confusing to the general reading public.
Zod is sarcastic.
Zod likes a story where someone is aged upward to dramatic effect, but does not like what it does to a broader shared universe. It is best left to an isolated storyline without external consequence. That said, comics has already jumped through that fiery hoop, so all that’s left is for Uncle Ben to pat Spider-Man on the back and hand him a machine gun. Zod thinks. Zod isn’t sure.
The problem is that there have been so many different versions of every character, and everyone thinks a particular one is the right one. There is no right or wrong, however, in subjective media, so the only solution is to make every comic about Zod.
As always thank you for your time in reading my comments and questions. I look forward to seeing your response to my question.
Zod says that you are welcome.
And now, we close, with one more poem:
There once was a man named Dax-Ur
Who claimed he could blow up moons faster
Ursa, what is that howling?
Yes, I picked up my socks.
Stop it, or I will steal your patches and throw Non through a wall.
Eat your heart out, Billy Collins. Zod defies you! Come! Come and trochee before Zod!