MORTALS. It is I.
This week Zod has discovered the Tweeter. It amuses him, and provides an outlet for his poetry:
And now, relationship advice:
If you were a judge on the TV show America’s got talent, what would your judging standards be?
Zod has never seen the television show Houston’s Got Talent, but Zod has an idea of what it is about. He has seen a so-called reality television show or two in his day. In fact, Zod actually made the first reality television show, when Zod filmed the battle between himself and the son of our jailer with Richard Donner.
Zod was the only judge, and Zod showed his mettle admirably in that contest, so much so that he is now the covert leader of the free world. Worlds, I suppose, if you count Zod’s secret base on Ultima Thule.
However, were Zod to hypothetically conjure a contest of ability for televised publication, he has ideas. They come to him on the toilet, and he files them away in his brain for opportune moments like this.
Chest Hair Wars: Contestants from all over Houston compete to see who has the best chest hair, before General Zod inevitably wins and kills all involved with eye lasers.
V-Neck Wars: Contestants from all over Houston compete to see who wears the best V-Neck unitard, before General Zod inevitably wins and kills all involved with eye lasers.
Who Wants to Be Non?: Contestants from all over Houston see who will replace Non as Zod’s henchman, before General Zod chortles as Non inevitably wins and kills all involved with grunts and eye lasers.
Zod could go on for days, and expects you would like him to, but he must keep some of his best ideas secret, for future columns.
Do you watch game shows such as Wheel of Fortune, Jeopardy, and Deal or no Deal?
Zod used to watch Wheel of Fortune back in the 1980s when he would consider, very seriously, going to the set, smashing the wheel over Sajak’s head, and then denying Vanna’s vainglorious attempts to seduce Zod, believing herself worthy of his attentions. He did not, because Zod got distracted hitting the BIG BUCKS OR NO WHAMMIES button on that other show for several hours on the fated day.
Jeopardy is ridiculous to Zod. Zod already has the answers to every question, why would he need more? And then giving me the questions to the answers I already have? Seriously, contestants, why do you say this to me when you know I shall only kill you for it?
Deal or No Deal was much better when it was called Let’s Make a Deal, but they had to change the name of the show and move many counties away after Zod appeared on the final taping (never aired). When someone asked Zod to choose between a new car and door number three, he set all on fire with his eye lasers and took what he wanted anyway, as is his way. Zod wins.
Did Krypton have any TV programs?
Krypton does not have television as you humans of Houston see it. It has something akin to the Talking Heads’ Burning Down the House video:
Giant heads appear and debate the important issues of the day while a live band plays Kryptonian hits below, alternating between children version of themselves and adults who change their faces. Sometimes the faces travel along the Kryptonian sky roads. It is very groovy.
Or Zod was high. To be honest, the seventies were a strange time, and Zod is not sure he can trust his memory. Kryptonian hallucinogens are quite potent. But they do give the best ideas sometimes. Zod would not have his unitard or his bed of chest hair had he not seen it to be the true and right thing under the influence of KSD. That’s Kryptoniansergic Duh-Idon’tremembertheformulaoesn’tmatter, for the educated among you cattle.
At any rate, Zod’s favorite show was Climate Change or Weather? It was very much like your Deal or No Deal, except it had people arguing whether the cooling of the planet would cause the sun to grow large and blow up Krypton. Zod, of course, knows that it’s all a giant conspiracy to take money from wealthy Kryptonians to fund greedy scientists, so Zod voted, like everyone else, with not doing anything. And it worked out well. Krypton remains, and I’m sure the executives who made the show in an insipid attempt to “save” the planet are somewhere humiliated, and definitely not falling through to the core of the planet while screaming in an ethereal ghostly form as a red filter colors their lives.
Did Zod just see that, or did… URSA! URSA, Zod done told you twice not to put the Ambien in Zod’s giant plastic coffee mug!
Anyway, Zod must lay down for a bit. Rabbits. Wow. Ask Zod more questions, or the flying mouse may eat Zod. Or don’t. Is that Roseanne Barr?