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January 25, 2019: Thank Zod It's Friday! - January 25, 2019 Edition



People of Houston! Here I offer a vaguely threatening statement of your imminent demise, and then proclaim my identity, General Zod!

First, a poem:

Roses are Red.
Violets are Blue.
Eye lasers are pretty.
You will kneel or die.

And now, relationship advice:

Kal-Ed writes:

Hello most venerable General,

Do you believe that walls at the border will protect citizens from outside forces? There should be no problem however if these outside forces travel by other means to get past the borders, as in an airplane, by train, by ship, or even an unsuspecting family trailer. In your case you do not need walls...for You can fly above them, go through and around them. Or dig underneath and have Ursa surprise a hapless snake with her burst of heat vision on the other side of the wall. Basically a wall is meaningless...Unless we are talking about the Source Wall located at the edge of the known multiverse.
Looking forward to your answer.
Greetings.

Zod has rarely seen so inept or buffoonish a leader as President Donald Trump, and Zod has interacted with the creature known as Otis, who wanted an Otisburg.

He wishes to put up a border wall along the southern border of the United States, of Planet Houston, to stop immigration, and Zod, an illegal immigrant himself, is moved to guffaw at the very notion.

Why, Zod can fly right over any border, so he never has to worry about walls, but then, even if Zod could not fly, Zod knows how to go to the hardware store and get a shovel or a ladder, or to hew a boat from rough materials and move by water. This is assuming, if Zod needed to get past any hypothetical border, he could not sneak through a legitimate opening. It is, to wit, laughable, the idea that a tall wall will stop someone determined to get somewhere.

He is trying to pathetically brand it with a phrase, "BUILD THE WALL AND CRIME WILL FALL!"

Zod chortles, and replies "WALLS DO NOT MATTER, FOR I HAVE A LADDER!"

Worse, it is plainly clear that Trump is the ugly man who wants the pretty girl to notice him. He believes that the United States of Planet Houston is exactly what anyone who could get past a barrier might want, when the reality is, if he looks at the girls in the bar, they're actually leaving the bar just to get away from him because he's annoying and boring and tired. Immigration is down.

Zod used to like the idea of a witless puppet leader controlling a country, for a witless moron is so easily manipulated, but Zod has come to realize if said witless moron destroys the country you're trying to rule, it's a waste of time. People must be fooled into believing they are benefitting, not told they are benefitting and not benefitting. This is the basis of good dictatorship.

Zod knows.

Now this begs the question, how would Zod solve the immigration/would he?

Zod knows how the son of our jailer might say, being an immigrant himself, one of the few things I share with that insipid twerp. The son of our jailer is a relentless bleeding heart who cares for the people. He might say something like, "We have enough money and land for everyone, and anyone in pain is my brother or sister. I am all for bringing people of all colors and stripes to the land of plenty, because they augment and bolster me, they do not diminish me. There are bad people in every society, and they move between societies, but the benefit of a cultural exchange far outweighs any malady that might come of it."

PHEH! What a Christian notion. Disregard utterly.

Zod would have none of this. Zod hates everyone and everything.

But even Zod is not concerned with immigration, because like the sexy devil he is, facing the pretty woman at the bar, he knows that there is no threat in having women of all kind in the bar, if you're secure enough in yourself to attract the kind of people one wants around you. Also, a bar with more people in it is a bar with more inherent versatility in the face of other competing bars. Also, Zod loves that green olives are free, and eats peanuts.

Zod has lost the thread of the metaphor, he thinks.

The point being, Zod has game. Trump is a putz.

Spider2878 writes:

General Zod,
If I may ask, what has been your greatest achievement?

Clearly a tie between my shadow control of all world governments and my sumptuous chest hair. My bonsai tree Charles is a close second. It's epic.

Was it something that earned you the rank of General? How did you earn the title of General?

The fact that I am superior to all beings past and present granted me the authority to grant it to myself, which I did.

Was it in the service of Krypton's military or was it a self appointed title?

Krypton's military serves me, or they shall die, as they deserve to.

Have you ever met the super beings known as Metallo, Brainiac, Conduit, Cyborg Superman, and the Eradicator? If you have, what are your opinions about them?

I have met them all. Metallo is paranoid. Brainiac thinks he's smarter than he is. Conduit needs to get over high school. The Cyborg Superman's high fives would be painful if Zod felt pain, but Zod loves a good Cyborg. The Eradicator is the name Zod gives to a particular part of his body, and yes, he has met the Eradicator many times.

Have you met Supergirl, Steel, and Superboy?

Son of our Jailer Girl, Son of our jailer's friend Steel, and Son of our jailer Boy are all of little concern to Zod. He has not met them, but HE DEFIES THEM, AND DARES THEM TO COME AND KNEEL BEFORE ZOD, of course.

ZOD!

Do you train daily for any future battles against Superman or any opposing force? If you do train, what is your method of training?

When it comes to the son of our jailer, you have the order of things wrong. The son of our jailer must train daily for future battles against Zod. On Zod's worst day, he could defeat Kal-El with no hands using only The Eradicator.

But Zod does train for the bi-yearly chest hair competition in Waukeegan. Zod wins every year under an assumed name. Chet Manly. Zod stole that from a show he likes, and absolutely no one catches the reference, ever.

Thank you again for your time again General.

Kneel in glory, worthy subject.

And now, a poem in closing.

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Death, a cold hare on a wet winter's morn
Shorn and frozen
Red eyes
Red eyes
Zod thinks he hears for whom the bell tolls
It is Captain Fart
I defy you
I defy you
Die as you deserve to.

Until next week, I remain, your fearless and powerful master,

General Zod



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