REVIEW:

DUH DUNT.

DUH DUNT.

DUH DUNT DUNT DUNT DUNT DUNT DUNT DUNT DUH DUNT DUNT DUNT DUH DUNT DUNT DUNT.

DOO DOO DOO.

DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.

DUH DUNT DUNT DUNT DUNT DUNT DUNT DUNT DUH DUNT DUNT DUNT DUH DUNT DUNT DUNT.

REENK! REENK REENK!

Recognize that, folks? You know what that is?

I'll tell you what it is.

It's the theme from JAWS.

We bettah get Hoopa in heah right now, chief. There's a shark in these waters.

DUH DUNT.

Why? Why you say?

Well, look. Lois smacks of desperation. The first episode, it always rules. Always. There's no real helping that. You're back to a show you love, the cast is changing, everything is morphing, and generally, the show goes to the next level.

But this season...

DUH DUNT.

A show, in order to maintain its vitality, needs to change. It needs to go in new directions. Let's see what sucks about "Smallville".

Lana centrism.

Kryptonite villains (or people who go homicidal for no real reason)

Clanas.

Parts of the plot that you just can't get into because they are too crazy even for the suspension of disbelief.

Characters that aren't going anywhere.

DUH DUNT.

What did this show have?

All of the above, with one shining light.

Lois and her father.

But now she has no reason to be on the show any more.

DUH DUNT.

But will she be?

Yes.

DUH DUNT DUNT DUNT DUNT DUNT DUNT DUNT DUH DUNT DUNT DUNT DUH DUNT DUNT DUNT.

And Chloe? Folks. She was dead. It was time for her to be dead, too. Especially since Lois and Chloe are essentially the same type of character. Now they're both there. What's that mean?

DOO DOO DOO.

DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.

The shark is circling. And with a tagline like "Kryp/Tuck", next week could very well be the week, folks.

Quint style:

(There comes a great screeching, and all heads turn to the blackboard, where I've drawn Lana with a giant shark head in evil red waters chasing Tom Welling. Her shark head has Kryptonite in the forehead manning its fricking laser beams and she's ready to pop a cap in the poor emasculated putz.)

Tell you how we fix this, Amity. You call me, you tell me to give you a really bangerang set of story ideas, and I give you some. Full artistic leeway for me by m'self. For that you get the head. The tail. The whole d@mn thing.

Fellow geeks...

Mr. Mayor...

Chief Younis...

(Nods and walks out of the room).

I'm the only captain on my boat.

On with the show. And oh, on and on we shall go. I have 4 pages of notes. This is the most note-heavy Smallville I've ever had. Those of you haters out there who think I need to jump off a cliff for long reviews might as well jump to the super-short review right now, because there is a lot in this episode that needs thrashing.

The episode started off promising. Clark has to deal with the ramifications of using his powers right in front of other people. Lois asks him how he knows about the coffin being empty. Here's the point where Clark would logically turn and lie somehow, but instead, he just says "Trust me."

Okay. That's okay.

Then what happens? Well, Sam Lane comes barreling in with a helicopter to rescue his daughter, sending goons with GUNS after her and Clark.

Now, I come from a military family, but I'll tell you, I know very little about the Uniform Military Code of How We Kill. But I do know one thing. Even the president can't hijack a chopper and men with guns to go do whatever the heck he feels like. Especially dropping in on two TEENAGERS and trying to kick the crap out of them both. Yes, they even attack Lois, so they're attacking them both.

Clark then proceeds to totally expose his secret, throwing a goon thirty feet through the air and into a federal crime scene he was trespassing on. Sigh.

And hey, never mind that it is in PLAIN VIEW of Sam Lane in a helicopter. Just keep going, Clark old boy.

Then he takes another goon, knocks him out with his bare hands even though he's in full battle uniform.

Then he uses heat vision to take out a helicopter, heedless of the fact that overheating an engine while a chopper is in mid-air would likely make the chopper crash and go book. And he does it right in front of Lois and Sam again.

Lois somehow takes out a goon in full battle regalia as well, and even though she knows she left Clark a good quarter mile away, doesn't stop to pause when he races at super-speed (at least in front of Sam Lane) to her side.

And then, instead of calling the police, they run and try and pretend it never happened.

Well, yeah, okay. I'd just be being nitpicky if I didn't just suspend my disbelief, right?

So for the benefit of the doubt, I'll do just that. It was a cool scene. It was fun, if totally implausible. The opening reminded me very much of the scene with Ma Kent in Superman: The Movie, when Clark is about to leave the farm for good and there's a sweeping field in the background. Quite cool.

EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT THERE ARE MOUNTAINS IN THE BACKGROUND IN A SHOT SET IN KANSAS.

Et-hem. Excuse me.

I need to go compose myself.

All right. I'm back. Really, I just spaced down twice so that you would think I was gone a while, I'll be honest with you, but the point is, how do you suspend disbelief with so much blatantly obvious fakery about?

I mean, the heli is crashed, right? So how is even a three star general going to explain that? Look, I know this may surprise some of you, but I know a three star general and I've conferred with the State Adjutant General on at least one occasion. No, no, not for my diabolical plans to take over the world, but because I volunteered to counsel at a camp for underprivileged kids or military family kids on Ft. Lewis.

And let me tell you, when a three star general wants something done, it gets done. If that something is telling a man to do A or B, within the realm of law, and on a military base.

If ANY member of the military did what Sam Lane did, and lost a BIRD in a FIELD while trying to HURT, KIDNAP, or KILL innocent civilians?

Well, let's just say I can't suspend that disbelief, even if the scene did look cool. Which it did.

At least the action is amped up this year.

Sam Lane sucked on an unlit cigar. I don't smoke cigars, but that struck me as odd. Am I nuts?

The first thing that immediately struck me in this episode was wonder about what happened to the plot we started last episode? I mean, Clark was nuts and Krypton was exerting its influence, Lex was on a quest for power Crystals and scouring the globe, and, well, Jor-El wasn't going to abide by waiting any more.

All of that is forgotten now, and my guess is that it will remain so until the sweeps or the finale, and I'm sick and tired of being jerked around like that. I know the format demands that things be stretched out, but really, this is insanely slow paced, and slow paced that we might deal with people like the Terminator in this episode and KRYP/TUCK next episode.

That's right. I said Kryp/Tuck. Don't get me started, because I'm gonna get started in a minute, and if you wanna get through this review without me having a painful and lethal bloody deadly aneurysm, do NOT mention Kryp/Tuck.

Oooooh!

So anyway, all of the GOOD plot was gone, and we replaced it with a freak of the week and a cool chase scene.

The Lois and Clark in the bathroom scene was the shining light of this episode. Funny, interesting, and dealing with the ramifications of Lois having seen Clark naked, it was all around well written and well done.

Also, instead of being "HOW DARE YOU BE HUMAN AND MALE!" Clark's parents were more just like, "C'mon now, knock that off. You know better.". Which is the real, human reaction to the natural teenage progression from being asexual to wanting to see well, a woman's Durance.

Great scene, and Lois is a great addition to the cast, if you take continuity notwithstanding.

Here are the three great citations of moronic countenance in this episode, as fostered by whomever came up with the story.

1) Lana's return.

2) Lois turning into Frankenstein (FrankenSHTEEN)

3) Clark solving a case with a cigar.

I will go through them as they come up in the story, but just to let you know, this is what REALLY killed the story for me.

Lana's return.

This is the height of idiocy for several reasons.

First, Lois has already taken Lana's place. There's no need for her character on the show now, and if you're gonna squeeze continuity to fit the story, like axing Pete, why the heck stop with that? Why not leave Lana in Paris for a while?

Second. Lana has set up a life in Paris. A man she is close enough to have had a fling with, a tie to the place through living there, and yes, she was attending school, which, last I checked, until you're 18 you have to do, generally. Unless Lana dropped out.

Third, her reason for coming back is more retarded than Radio, Rain Man, AND Sam from I Am Sam COMBINED. And don't send me complaint letters about that analogy, because it's funny, and besides, I myself am retarded. Completely and hopelessly.

And that reason? She was afflicted with a tattoo that was also on a picture of Clark in the Kawatchee caves.

Now, pay attention, because there's gonna be a test. Multiple choice.

You're Lana.

OKAY OKAY OKAY! Sorry about that. You're NOT Lana. But IMAGINE you're Lana. Phew. I know. That scared me too.

Imagine you're Lana, and you have said evidence in front of you, and you want to figure out the tattoo and why a picture knocked you out and branded your Revlon patootie.

Do you:

A) IMMEDIATELY hop on a plane and move all of your belongings back to Smallville, drop out of school, and leave behind someone you're having a fling with?

B) Go and check out the psycho picture for clues.

C) CALL Clark on this relatively new invention called the TELEPHONE and ask him what the symbol means, and if he could maybe take some pictures of it and send them to her over email.

D) Go get the tattoo removed and burn the library for its insolence.

Me, I'd go with D. Ergo Lana is a moron for not doing the same.

Then we have another good little scene (this show is FULL of great little scenes, but the sum total doesn't add up as much...) with Lionel and Lex, where Lionel basically admits (tacitly) that he is behind the brandy for sure, and where he tells Lex things that would scare the bejesus out of ANYONE. Every breath you take, every move you make, the MB will be watching YOU!

I mean, you wonder why Lex is a paranoiac? This episode is a key episode to character, and this scene is fantastic. How can it be the meat of such a poopie sandwich is beyond me, because how can a writing group mind that comes up with such great drama also come up with such unmitigated crap in almost the same sentence?

It perplexes me.

I had a nice laugh when Lana shows up at Lex's mansion, because it's not mentioned, but Lex didn't visit her like he said he would, at least that we know of! This is all leading to a Lex romance with Lana, I'm guessing, eventually, we'll see, but it's interesting that she goes to Lex.

I am torn about their continued scenes together because I know that while Lex would never stoop to dating such a manipulative tart, Lex is also, in the future, strangely infatuated with Clark's women, because he idolizes Clark so much that he hates him. It's growing on me, I'll say that.

And then Lex says something about Clark, and Lana turns on the nice little evil beeeee hop diddly scotch! And you know what I mean.

"I don't remember asking about CLARK!" She says, emphasis mine.

Well, I don't remember asking you to come back from gay Paree, either?

Parce-que sommes-tu ici?

Which, if I remember right, means, "Why are you here?"

I wish I remembered the translation for "the heck", because I'd insert it so it said, "Why the heck are you here?"

And you know why I know you guys who read my work are so cool? I'll bet dollars to donuts one of you sends me the correct translation. Heh. You guys rule.

So then we cut to scene two of the moronic countenance.

Lois digs up a grave.

Now, you're Lois. That's not so bad, huh? Not so bad as saying you're Lana. It does mean that if you're a male and you become Lois you will have to spend about ten hours a day in the mirror doing things that Pa Kent wouldn't approve of, but it also means that you can answer my hypothetical.

When you find out from a man who was struck naked by a bolt of lightning that your cousin isn't in her casket because he just says so, do you:

A) Immediately go and dig the grave up, because he must be onto something. Never mind that the police will arrest you for desecrating a grave and your father is on your trail with fricking HELICOPTERS!

B) Perhaps assume that because she was in an explosion which LEVELED AN ACRE, there might not be a body in the casket?

C) Ask Clark why he thinks Chloe's alive or not in her casket a little more POINTEDLY?

D) Quit smoking.

Sorry. D was a joke.

See, if you don't do C and B first, you're kind of an IDIOT, and I don't buy into your character or actions, especially when you're played up to be smart.

I felt bad for Chloe when I saw her casket. I mean, they couldn' t afford to go the whole 8 feet, even though Luthor paid for the grave? Come on! That casket was what, two feet down? An intrepid DOG could dig that up and get himself a real marrowy bone!

They must have taken the poor person plan. She's lucky she got a nice casket. Luthor, you CHEAPO! Hire better diggers!

And then, then the episode just jumps right on the suck train and rides straight to the caboose, let me tell you. We see some strange dude up by a tree, and you're thinking, "Is that Tyler Durden?" And I mean, look at him. He looks like Tyler Durden. And then the dude comes up and turns into Robert Patrick on our butts.

Except its, "Have you seen this girl?"

Now get this. He's sent by Lionel Luthor to off Chloe for real this time, right, by LIONEL. But how does Lionel know that she's not DEAD? The house blew up, and the only people who know, Lex and the FBI, are CERTAINLY not going to tell Lionel. Maybe he could extort the information, but that's a critical bit of plot hole there.

And so even though he's not really a krypto freak, because there's no K involved that we see, where does he get the ability to turn to metal? And why is Belle Reve able to hold him?

To quote my main man Nahinanajad from Office Space, this...this is a SUCK!

So then Lana shows up and pulls Kung Fu, which we haven't seen since the episode she got it, and maces the dude. Now, I know when my entire body is liquid metal and I can turn into knives, the only thing that can dissuade me is mace. It's like the Batman movie. "Hand me down the Terminator repellent Lana-spray!" Except the original Batman movie is hilarious, and this is a wet turd.

And the guy turns out NOT to be Tyler Durden! Do the disappointments never end?

So Lana finds out that Lois has been digging up a grave. And then she's just cool with her.

I mean, here's another one for you. You meet someone, and they're digging up a grave. You ask why, they say, "Oh, she was my cousin."

You:

A) Offer that person a ride and your immediate friendship.

B) Question her more thoroughly.

C) Run like a freak of the week has set your hair on fire and your butt is catching.

D) Mace her, shove her into the grave, and cover up the plot hole with dirt.

Unless you choose D, you are going to be late in class writing sentences for me.

The sentence: "THIS PLOT MAKES SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF IMPOSSIBLE."

And if you've ever been punished with sentences, you know you're gonna forget how to spell suspension by the fifth line, so don't push me.

Add into this that we go back to the grand old tradition of the BEYOND tired plot device of the freak of the week, and we...what's that sound?

DUH DUNT.

Stop that! It's not time yet. I decide when it's time, not you, my subconscious!

Anyway.

So then we cut straight into a, YES, an 8:25 Clana. She came ALL THE WAY BACK FROM FRANCE to be passive aggressive to Clark before we hit the thirty minute mark.

She eyes Lois like she's a beee hop diddly scotch, she answers questions cryptically, then she drives off when it's obvious that something's on her mind instead of being honest.

Man, you know, I really missed that. And I'm just so glad it's back in the storyline. I mean, what WOULD we do without that pretty girl with an inconsistent character to constantly suck it up?

BUT, I have to admit, it was comical, because Lois was there, calling Lana on being a doof. It was like half of a Clana, because Lois was right there, saying, "Boy, Clark, you put up with too much, and boy, Lana, you're about as useful as Blade's sword in the hand of someone who doesn't have the code."

SHING! Off goes the finger. Man, if I had that sword, what I wouldn't do to...

Et-hem. That can get me arrested. Point being, Lois being there was really nice, and eased the pain of the horrible scene that will not die.

And look! Despite being "too poor" to go to France in so many words, and having to sell the Talon, she's still got the Richie Richmobile, a brand new vehicle that looks like it costs between 30 and 40 grand. It just waited for her while she was away. How...odd.

So now, what, Lana just doesn't go to school any more? Or she does, she just has missed about half of the first quarter? And what, she loses all of her tuition money in France?

And one more Lana barb before I move on. She was supposed to have this "new look", right? Well what it is? Earrings and lipstick? That seems to be it. Her clothes have always been designer and brand name, even before she left, there's just different brand names. That's not a new look. That's a shift down the popularity polarity. Give her a Mohawk! Look what it did for me! I rule.

Lois and Clark in the loft was SPOT on. I have no idea how they channel those two characters so well when they're together, but it's basically my favorite part of the show right now. In fact, it's the only part of the show other than Lex and Lionel which remains a lot of fun, and the Lionel angle is almost tired. A few more episodes of glib talk from a cage and it'll be tired no matter how well the dialogue is written. The plot must move FORWARD!

I want Lionel to get his butt into a cell and get himself a picture of Rita Hayworth and bring a little focus to his persona! Let the Sisters find out what it means to mess with the MB, and let him get a little empire going on in that prison. Wouldn't THAT be cool?

And hey, wasn't that a beautiful scene where Lex gets his revenge on Lionel? Co-stabbed! And not dead, just enough to put the same fear and paranoia Lex now has into Lionel. BEAUTIFUL plot element. That, along with the shower, along with the little great scenes, saves this episode from a 1.

But automatic one if Lionel EVER, and I mean EVER, drops the soap. Joke.

Then Lex and Clark meet up, and that's a great scene. Lex is wondering who ripped his plane's door off, and in comes Clark. GREAT timing, great scene. They don't just go back to being buds. Clark, no matter how irrational his previous reasoning, remains in character. I respect that. That almost makes up for the passive aggressive and silly mistake he made of ending a friendship without giving Lex a chance to explain (and Lex's motives, really, are mostly innocent in exploring Clark). It was almost a Lana move, and yet, with consistency, I can live with it.

And then Lex states the obvious. Hey, Clark. Chloe isn't in her casket because she was BLOWN APART!

Duh!

And then we come to the third and final moronic countenance.

THE SMOKING CIGAR!

Now you're Clark Kent.

Wow! Excuse me for a moment.

I just ran at full speed to Korea and pulled out all of Kim Jong's leg hairs at super speed before pitching him into the bog of eternal stench, crunched up his nukes, and then ran all around crunching all the other nukes in the world. I then straightened the leaning tower of Pisa, routed the Taliban, snuck into DC at super-speed and read all the upcoming stories, and gave Joe Casey a Super-wedgie as he slept and dreamed of ways to make Mickey Mouse depressed and cathartic.

It's good to be the Clark.

Anyway, now that you're Clark, you're talking with Lex Luthor, see? And you see a cigar on the table, the same kind that Sam Lane has.

Do you:

A) Immediately conclude that Sam Lane must know where Chloe is, and break onto a military base and into his office to find any information he may have?

B) Stand outside of the base and use your x-ray and telescopic vision to read the documents without exposing your secret.

C) Realize that there's no corollary between the cigar and Lex's house other than the idea that Sam Lane has met with Lex Luthor.

Or

D) Run at full speed to Korea and pull out all of Kim Jong's leg hairs at super speed before pitching him into the bog of eternal stench, crunch up his nukes, and then run all around crunching all the other nukes in the world. Then you straighten the leaning tower of Pisa, route the Taliban, sneak into DC at super-speed and read all the upcoming stories, and give Joe Casey a Super-wedgie as he sleeps and dreams of ways to make Mickey Mouse depressed and cathartic?

You know which one I chose, beee diddly monkey jumping cat hop scotch! (monkeys rule, I tell you).

So anyway, AFTER Clark breaks federal law and forces his way into a military base and into the office of a three star general, he gets into a nice little conversation with Lois, and we learn that her mother is dead of lung cancer.

Now I am prompted to ask two things.

One, if Lois is a smart girl, and she seems to be, and her mother died when she was six from lung cancer, why would she ever take up smoking? I mean, I know my mother was an alcoholic when I was 14, and me and booze are about as much friends as Joe Casey and Mickey Mouse right now. Why? Cause I'm smart. Well, not really, I'm retarded, I already said that, but you know what I mean.

Two, everyone in Smallville, necessarily, other than Clark, HAS to come from a broken home, otherwise the writers aren't happy.

Why? Because Lois HAS a mother, and she's an important character in the comics. She's the reason Lois still knows how to be a hot and sophisticated lady despite the rough hewn aspects her father sews into her spirit. That's why.

I'm gonna pause right now so I can go make sure that what I'm thinking is true. I'm gonna check the video tape and go to instant replay. Because I don't believe that the following scene that occurs in this show can possibly be as off as I remember it.

Nope. It was.

All right. Here we go. I'll rattle it off without too much extrapolation, if I can.

How did the blade boy get in to see Lionel at night in the infirmary of a jail? Does normal visitation when an inmate is in the infirmary apply? And if Lionel gets a huge cell but has to have bars between his closest family, how did blade boy rate bedside manner?

GAH! Trent is empty calories for the brain. What a stupid character. What a blatant ripoff. It's not a Marvel character, but it is certainly ripping off T2, right down to the foundry. I suppose you could call it an homage if you weren't feeling cynical. But I am.

Now I come to the most angry part of the review. The part where I spit blood, boil away wallpaper with my very eyes, and do my best possible impression of Annie from Misery.

All right. Now, you're me (this must be the most fun hypothetical of the review, by definition). You have just seen a television show that tries to tell you that a character you saw blown up was brought back to life, in a way that was impossible.

Now, no multiple choice on this one, because this is EXACTLY what I would do.

First, I use the superpowers I have to haul my butt down to Cali and back (should take about five minutes) and grab the writer responsible for the Chloe death. I then put them in a bed and put a board in between their ankles.

I stark cackling madly, and instead of saying, "You can't kill Misery...er, CHLOE Sullivan!" I say, "YOU MUST KILL CHLOE SULLIVAN!"

Then the writer will gasp, and say, "Why, oh, why!?"

And I will show him EXACTLY why.

Exhibit A: 40:28 into the episode in question. I have circled Chloe very clearly:

Exhibit B: 40:29 into the episode in question. The door is almost closed:

Exhibit C: Still 40:29 into the episode, just to show she didn't fly off or jump into the underground railroad in the millisecond that the door closes in:

And now, Exhibit I Rule: 40:30 into the episode.

Chloe is DEAD. Not dead like when she fell off the dam. DEAD. D. E. A. D. All over the carpet, spread like bad bree over a good parcel of land where a house once stood. Bereft of life, may she appear on the re-runs in peace.

Chloe is DEAD, and to try and run out of it as cheaply as they did, well, the writer I have in the bed with the board between his legs would be starting to sweat as I raise the sledge and murmur, "That was a dirty birdie thing to do there, Paul...er, unnamed writer."

And then WHAM!

That writer jumps the shark and tastes my ire and the back of me hand!

I tell you what, if it wouldn't be such a pain in the butt, I'd forever treat the character Chloe in my reviews like Doc Daneeka. For those of you illiterate brummagem who do not know who Doc Daneeka is, he's a character in Catch-22 who gets out of flight hours by signing that he's on a plane when he's not. The plane crashes and all on board die, so everyone acts like Doc Daneeka is dead when he's around, pretending he's not there even when he's right there.

Great book. Best book ever. But then, it would be too difficult to pretend Chloe was not there all the time, so I'll simply reference that and you'll get the point.

Okay. So Clark finds Chloe's house, and there are two dead FBI men, blood, and as he enters, the back door bangs, like someone has just ran out of it.

Instead of CHASING the villain, he just lets Lex call about the tracking bracelet. Now, not only is this insanely stupid, but then, unless you assume that banging door was Lex (and I don't), it means that in the time that Lex made the call to find out where Chloe is with the bracelet, the blade dude manages to take Chloe to the foundry and tie her up and hang her from a hook. And at that, faster than Clark Kent, the superman, can speed run to the factory.

Just like in Johnny Dangerously. You shouldn't hang me from a hook, Johnny. My mother hung me from a hook once. ONCE.

But I digress.

Assume the screen door banging was Lex. That still means that though blade man is being PAID to kill Chloe Sullivan, he instead decides to take her to an abandoned factory, hang her from a hook, and leave her dangling.

You're a bad ripoff of Terminator 2 named Trent. You have a contract to kill a girl. After you sue the crap out of Robert Patrick and the writers of Terminator 2 for stealing your "intellectual" property, (OH, THE IRONY) Do you:

A) Hang the girl from a hook and lie in wait for an unknown assailant to come in so you can "blade fight!" (TM).

B) Kill Chloe the minute you find her in the house.

C) Kill Chloe the minute you know you won't be found by the police.

D) CUT OFF THE STUPID TRACKER ON HER WRIST AND THEN DANGLE HER FROM WHENEVER FOR AS LONG AS YOU WANT.

or

E) Find John Connor by any means necessary and gut his whiney butt for being insolent to his foster parents and Wolfie.

How's Wolfie, you ask, if I'm Trent? Wolfie's just fine, dear. YARK!

Now if you're still with me, and if you've caught all your references thusfar, consider yourself lucky, because we're about to get really thick here.

Clark super speeds off to the exact location of the tracking device. Lex, presumably, shows up afterwards. How would he NOT wonder and ask how Clark got there before he did without a car? Hmmm...

So then Chloe frees herself from the hook, and the blade guy just starts choking her. Like, oh, you have the audacity to escape my hook? Well, okay, I guess I'll kill you NOW instead of the 800,000 OTHER chances I had before I hung you on the hook! How dare you?

And then Clark appears to do battle. Chloe gets a KO, though I didn't think you could do that when you were DEAD, but eh, whaddaya want for nothing? Rubber biscuit? Bow bow ooooooooooo.

Clark throws the dude 30 feet into the air, so now he for SURE knows Clark has powers, and starts fighting Clark with his scissor hands.

Clark is taking him out handily when he falls over, and Lois arrives. From where? God only knows. The Phantom Zone. And why? Because they're paying her to be on set, no doubt.

She starts frying the guy with a military weapon (and let me tell you, if it's hard for a general to get a helicopter off base, it's positive MURDER for a civilian to steal a gun that doesn't even exist and take it off base on a hunch, because that's what it would have to be, because Lois would have NO idea where the heck Chloe was or why. Even if Lex called her, she would have gotten there second) and Clark completes the double dukes by melting the guy with his heat vision RIGHT IN FRONT OF LOIS! Oh yeah, say he was behind her. Then look at the tape. I did. He's angled to the side, and she would be able to see it. So you say heat vision is invisible? If it is, we couldn't see it, now, could we?

And then, to make matters better, the kid explodes. And not only are Clark and Lois NOT covered in molten metal that the exploding guy sends flying everywhere, but EVERYONE is perfectly cool with the fact that Clark just killed a guy he could have incapacitated without getting hurt.

Cut to Chloe, and we're almost ready for our TWO Clanas. Yes, two.

They walk to Chloe, and Clark says, "How did you get here?"

Lois responds, "How did you get here?"

Lois' question is a good rebuke, but I want to know the answer to Clark's.

Another point. Lois, presumably, has never seen a freak of the week. She sees a man with knives for hands, and it doesn't even phase her? Not a bit? I mean, what would you do if you saw a guy with knives for hands? I wouldn't be like, oh, get me the lightning gun. I wouldn't even be like, "Find Tim Burton's cameraman!" If you were with me, I'd smack you on the head, knock you out, and throw you to the dude, saying, "Here! It's almost alive!" and then my feet would do that cartoonish tappitty tappitty tappitty and I'd say, "Yoinks, Scoob! Follow the Neal-shaped-blur!" And then I, my friends, would be UP OUT. No messing with knives for hands dudes with me. Momma didn't raise no fools. Only a retard.

So Lois being cool headed, well, that either doesn't speak well of me, or doesn't speak well of the plausibility of the show's character reaction in this case.

Now, why will Lois stay with the show? I'm curious. Her purpose is served. What could possibly keep her around? Oh yeah! Ratings! But I'll give them the benefit of the doubt on that one...I'm so sure Kryp/Tuck will give me all of the reason I need for her to stay.

By the way, saying Kryp/Tuck around me is like saying "Ni" to an old woman. Mark me on that one.

I am the reviewer who now says "Kryppie kryppiee kryppie zoobleem voigle!"

And hey, doesn't Kryp/Tuck sound like some kind of gang bullet dodge move in a workout video?

And BLOOD and DUCK and KRYP and TUCK! That's right, dog, you WORK that sha-diddly-izzle!

Because, you know, to live in the hood and dodge bullets, you gotta be in shape, you know? No? Eh. It's late.

I'm gonna be dodging bullets pretty soon if I keep making jokes like that.

Lionel is guilty! And he parades away into the REAL population, not the rich dude get out of jail free big fancy well lit set prison. Interesting. Only good things can come of this.

And his exchange with Lex is great. The recurrence of the "Don't wound what you can't kill..." line is masterful.

Ah yes, we come to the close of another episode of "Smallville", and the thing which we all dread and loathe comes to pass. The Clana.

I'll be honest, she wasn't TOO passive aggressive this time with Clark. All she did was assume that he was dating Lois and guilt him for it without asking him if he was, right after he was surprised by the fact that she was dating another guy and socked in the stomach by the blow. What a gal!

And then she goes back to the Talon where, instead of going to school, she starts unpacking and putting her stuff away.

And then Jason arrives in Smallville. Jason, who has yet to have a single moment of characterization that does not include bending over and kissing Lana's butt. Seriously. What has he done other than idolize Lana, do her bidding, and fetishize her, as if we haven't seen enough of that already?

And then they kiss. Ah! L'Amour.

To which Lana turns and says, "The author?"

And I say, "No, you tart. You've been in Paris for three months. L'Amour!"

Lana: "Is that French for 'The Muslim?'"

Gah! Not La Moor, you fool! Ah, never mind. Time to break out the whip.

CRACK! (for the three instances of moronic countenance)

CRACK! (for two Clanas)

CRACK! (for gross misuse of military power (as if there isn't enough of that in the world))

CRACK! (for the unsatisfactory explanation of the return of Chloe)

CRACK! (for ripping off a GOOD movie with a bad and shameless exploit!)

CRACK! (for the preview of Kryp/Tuck! You know why.)

And CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! (for the return of Lana before it was time).

But all in all, through all 16 of the above pages of complaints, the good of the little scenes balances out a little of the bad. I'm not going to plaid for this one, only to Moronic speed.

2 of 5.

SUPER SHORT REVIEW:

Kryp/Tuck is the new Tao Bo for the hood, if you're a general you can do whatever you want, Chloe is dead but still living, Terminator 2 was MUCH better than this, Lana has returned and I still want to poke her eyes out with knife hands, and Lionel, please, please, please, please, don't drop the soap. Duh dunt. Duh Dunt. We' re gonna need a bigger boat. 2 of 5.

BUSINESS:

Well, I won't burden you with many excuses, but I do have a few. Something BIG came up in the last week, an opportunity, and I didn't dare pass it up. That means that business will not be out with the review as usually right away, but I will be handing it in in two days, on Friday night, which means it will likely be here Saturday afternoon.

I apologize for the delay, but if I didn't take the time earlier this week and forsake all emails save the most brief, I would have lost a key opportunity, one which you may hear about later.

I want to make sure business rocks all it can, so instead of answering a few letters and giving you a paltry section, instead I'll leave you with the above to tide you until Saturday and refer you to the new CAPTION contest, which is relevant to the issue at hand in an ironic way, and thank you for your patience. See you here again Saturday, and thanks for helping the site to 14 THOUSAND unique hits in one day last week. I'm beginning to get the impression some of you LIKE what we do here? Come on, now! I made a joke at the expense of the retarded.

I know why you forgive it. It's self-deprecation.

You all take care.

Now, the results for the caption contest:

There can be only one, and the winner is: Spoon AZ, with his entry:

"Lex: "You're my gun." Lionel: "God help me."".

Second place: superdavid80, with:

Welcome to South Central Metropolis!

But there are many, many, pants busting runner-ups which almost won. I only include runner-ups if they actually made me laugh out loud, which is hard to do when I'm reading and not in person. These include:

somebodysaveme22: Lionel: In times like these, Sophocles would say that- CRACK! *cue Indiana Jones music NOW*

(By the way, that one would have won the contest if my conscience hadn't bothered me. I would have felt like I was playing favorites because he/she (not sure) used MY joke. But there's a tear! It's beautiful!)

Petethebossross: Don't worry dad. I'll fly in the best doctors from Metropolis.

DarkSuperman: "Lex...I swear I didn't know the Gremlins were you're friends!!" "You say this now, Dad...or should I call you...Edward Nygma?!?!?!"

Terminal: Lionel: Alright, so calling you "Powder" wasn't the wisest thing to do, I admit that now.

Stick: LESS FILLING! Stick: All Your Business Are Belong to Us

phaze: Lex: Come on Dad! Say yah love me or I'll bust a cap on yah hide.

KalEl1017: That's right, I said hand over the wallet. Oh, and that octagonal disk.

Redcapedwonder: "Wait Lex, please! I do have good news....I just saved tons of money on my car insurance by switching to Gieco.."

Fvolfrine: Lionel: Lex, this is a FAMILY FRIENDLY site!

(To this one I respond: Remember the South Park movie. Death and graphic violence are always okay, as long as people don't use NAUGHTY LANGUAGE. Not my rules...my family says some stuff that would curl Dice Clay's toes. But neither I nor Steve want mothers trying to ban our site because I said beee ho bip bop diddly rotch, without the creative extrapolation, if you follow my meaning. Irony well taken, though, Fvolfrine. And I did laugh out loud. You caught me being a hypocrite. Good one!)

MR E: Lex: If I shootizzle you in the chestizzle, will you bleed foshizzle ?

MR E: Lionel: If you're scared crap-less and you know it raise your hands!

supermanaj121: "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the tyrany of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepards the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truely his brother's keeper, and the finder of lost children. And I shall strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison my brothers, and you will know my name is the Lord, when I lay my vengeance upon thee."

More soon!

...

OKAY! I'm back! Thanks for your patience. Here's business:

First off, we have the first Smallville letter of the week. This one comes from a reader named Beckie, no last name (but that's okay). She writes:

Hey Neal,

I'm a Long Time Watcher/First Time Writer (whoa...an LTWFTW!).

What a premiere! Just a couple of questions for thought:

How could Lex's plane land safely with the side completely ripped off?

Why isn't anyone mourning Chloe's dad's death? (Oh, because we only saw him for about two seconds last episode...)

Why didn't anyone in the hospital recognize Clark walking around? (It's not as if he hasn't been there a billion times...If they knew Martha, they'd know Clark, don't you think?)

WhatthecrapLana?!?!? What kind of Paris is SHE living in? A strange world, a fantasy world, where total strangers kiss you on the street, where even though you're a student you can afford a huge posh apartment complete with Louis XVI-era shower, where your homework is to get an art rubbing (in a completely empty church) which gives you strange tattoos and confuses said total stranger-slash-new boyfriend. NOT exactly the Paris I know.

And finally, I really, really like Lois. She's cool, collected, *real*, honest, gets to the point, and even now I can sense the upcoming chemistry between her and Clark. BTW...how are they going to pull off the whole meeting-in-Metropolis thing now? Sure, they'll try to say "oh, he'll be wearing glasses, she'll think it's someone else," except she knows his NAME! This really messes with the accepted continuity... Then again, so does everything else.

Anxiously awaiting the review,

Beckie

First off, I hadn't thought of the fact that the pressurization of Lex's cabin was toasted. How DID he get back home?

And at that hospital, how have they not issued Clark a name tag yet?

And Gabe? What about Gabe! Yeah, he survived, I know, but no one mourned him, poor guy! He didn't even get a two foot deep empty casket! Maybe the terminator got him.

I always harp on the rich aspect of the show, how "poor" salt of the Earth kids can afford all the modern contrivances, and this is a prime example, Paris. Of course, maybe her empty character boyfriend pays for everything on the salary he gets for being totally emasculated.

And Lois.heck, I've read complaints about her acting, but I'm with Beckie on this one. Cool letter.

I owe a BIG apology to Will Sabel Courtney, because he's the guy who originally came up with the Indiana Jones idea. Not sure if I took credit (I can't remember), but he's the man that brought to the fray all of the Jones references, and he's the one to thank if you got a giggle out of my continual CRACK! jokes in the last few weeks.

The actual crack jokes will be credited to the junkie who talks to himself on my corner, but the Indiana Jones jokes? All Will. He's actual so steady and cool a source that I should start calling him Number two, but that would mean I were old, bald, and off in space somewhere. And really, I' m only off in space somewhere. Though I do get as many chicks as Picard...uh, yeah. CRACK!

The Superman Homepage's own Felix Vasquez (That's right, he's made the jump from reader/writer inner to standby reviewer, give the man a hand. He's a good fellow reviewer.) offers three nuggets this week.

First, though I myself have nothing against nudity, I do question the nudity of characters supposed to be 17...and he points out, along with others, the gross amount of gratuitous nudity last episode. Exploitation! Ah...

He also rips on the scene with "pulling the plug" and Martha, pointing out that the doctors are not responsible for pulling the plug, nor do they encourage that decision, ergo the scene written purely to plug drama bites. I personally remain ambivalent, but he has a point, that could have really struck people raw who have had a family member's plug pulled, and etcetera.

To top it off, he asked her to pull the plug because of running out of insurance. I know they refuse ME medical care because I don't have insurance, but if I were on a respirator, they wouldn't have a choice. BOOYAH! Feed me through a straw while I dream dreamy dreams, baby. And Jonathan deserves the same. I can even imagine his dreams.

YEEEEEEE-HAW! (A big orange car jumping over fields of naked women).

But then, what's he need that for, he gets to make out with Annette!

Will Sabel Courtney also has three great pieces of business.

One, Annette's pants were a bit low in the makeout scene (this was also seen by Bruce Kanin), two, what happened to Lana to make her naked and sweaty in the apartment (okay, there's the TAT, but why is she NAKED and SWEATY?), and three, why does Lana get to do a rubbing of an obviously ancient and valuable piece of artwork without any supervision, huh? Ah, so THAT'S how she ended up. (THE FOLLOWING CONCLUSION HAS BEEN DELETED TO SAVE NEAL FROM A LAWSUIT FROM THE N. O. W.) (He has also been spanked by the Keebler Elves for being insolent. Onward.).

Lavar Britton and EL write in wondering why it's plausible at all that Kal-El can fly but Clark can't, given that they have the same bodies. A good question, and one I should have raised. There's no reason at all. It's just a cheap plot ploy to get Clark to fly. But I'll take the flight, no doubt.

Stephen Gentry writes in and points out that Lois was a Freshman in college according to season one's obscura, but somehow, according to Gough in an interview with TV Guide, she's a 19 year old in the series. So she either entered college at 16, or she had a REALLY bad first year of college. I know guys who had that three year first year. That's what happens when you major in music! TSSSHT.

It's almost as bad as when you major in English. Remind me to tell you that story when I'm done asking you if you want that order supersized. Ah, higher education! That and a half dollar might get you a bus ride. But only if you sneak on and pay the bum not to tell.

Barry Friedman (also of the Superman Homepage, see Identity Crisis and Justice League of late) points out the cross parallel between Margot and Annette appearing and the two Clarks, noting the Superman III connection. I had seen it, but not quite in that way. Interesting... Superman III all over the place!

Bruce Kanin, on that final note, also points out an interesting connection based in Margot and Annette. In that show, we had two Lanas and two Loises. Now, if we can only get Swann and Kidder, we'd have a triad of the same character! Good one.

And that's not ALL the businesss, but it's enough for this week, a good finale, I'd say. I'll be more caught up next week for sure, so expect a bigger, more adept business, and send those well formed letters for the Letter of the Week!

Thanks for your patience!

Neal

Don't forget to check out the KO Count.

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