Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell children. Lots of things to cover today. I've taken it upon myself to do the disservice of taking notes, as this seems to be what all the pros do, and though I disdain them all, being the poor rebel that I am, I feel that if I continue in my brash and irrational style, I might come through unscathed. And sometimes, just to be a punk and a fool, I will falter in this course, so fear not.

All right. Business. Meaning, stuff I forgot or learned since last episode that I must now bore you or entertain you with, based upon your disposition (for your convenience, I will drop a return on the end of this if you would just like to see me rip into the episode).

First, we have the unconscious count. I think they cheated this episode, because we didn't really see how Clark got Chloe and Pete into the hospital, but all of this was made better by the fact that Clark himself got knocked out and is now part of the race. So it stands, with the death of the faceless kid at the party:

Jonathan: 1

Lex: 1

Lana: 1

Chloe: 1

Pete: 1

Clark: 1

Whammy (dead or forgotten though apparently important to the mains): 6.

And unfortunately, I have to drop the "episodes since his death where Whitney isn't even mentioned" category, because they mentioned him this episode. Wasn't it great? Hey, Clark, he's dead! Why not move in on Lana! So what does principled Clark do? Does he say, "No, no, Pete! You shouldn't talk like that! He just died, and I told him I'd stay away from her!" Nope. Clark turns around, watches Pete wheelie off, then says, daaaaang, man. He's onto something there.

Also, they one-upped me. Not only did they mention Whitney again, they also mentioned Kyla, the lady from Skinwalkers, and Clark remembered her. One more mention, and I may have to remove her from the "forgotten" list. I think two mentions after the original episode sounds like a fair rule of thumb, right?

Apologies for saying that the police should have found the spaceship in the barn last week. They should have found it IN THE CELLAR! So my point stands, but the area has been corrected, thanks to several astute readers, Adam Pangborn and Rob, thanks, and I believe one more reader, forgive me, I cannot find the email just now...but I owe you credit.

Also, Danny Tores relieves a monkey on my back by handing out this site where you can get the music from the episode of Smallville you want to hear again: http://www.thewb.com/Music/Show/0,10944,||126,00.html. And be danged if it isn't thorough. My illegal playlist is getting quite the workout right now.

Further, a corresponding gentleman who goes by Tim inspired a thought...how did Lionel get the disc if Nixon, the dead reporter, got hold of it, but then died in the premiere? Well, friends, I think it's plausible that Ethan got hold of it when he searched the body, and that it was in the package he handed Lionel. Sneaky sneaky, never underestimate the sneakiness, eh?

One more thing...Christian Meza has suggested astutely that it is difficult to read my archived reviews because they forget the context of the episode, so a general synopsis/point-by-point would be appreciated, thus the stuff at the top. For the good synopsis, check out Peter T. McDermott's thorough episode guide...

And now on with our regularly scheduled, non-extra-curricular review.

I knew there would be a number of things to write about with this episode the minute it started, but I started scribbling furiously when Chloe told the expert that he was a cunning linguist, and more descriptively, to kiss her ass. Boy, I hope the kids were asleep for that one, but if they weren't, at least they're a little educated, now. Or at least wondering why the adults were laughing at cunning linguist. But then, a cunning linguist is nothing to laugh about. We all like a...okay, I'm going to censor myself here and now.

The point is, it was risky, and risky either comes off as good, trying to prove a point, or thrown in there to shock people. This was thrown in. But it was a good try, anyway.

I always wanted to go to a party with hundreds of kids in high school. Mostly, I just ended up at home writing, because that's what happens when you want to be really good at something. So I have to admit I was jealous when I saw the party, complete with hundreds of wonderful scoop lights and electrical equipment and kids in the middle of a small town. They must have had one heck of an electrical hookup. I work construction, and to hook up light like that you need at least 200 amps, probably more. I wonder if Lex hooked that up for them, or if there were wires trailing from all those cars into the cave. Not plausible.

We had a shark moment this episode. Lana and Clark, on a date. They squashed it quickly. Good for them. I want to see them together, but it's not time yet.

I like that they mentioned Reynolds, the principal, again. They seemed to just introduce him and then forget him. I hope they do something with him, anyway.

They were overly careless with Clark's secret in this episode. It seems to be a theme with the red K episodes, but this time they just went all out. Let's see, Pete jumps a bike, gets off with Clark, then tells him that for a guy that can't be hurt, he's sure scared? Nobody's going to be watching him after a trick like that?

Clark actually moves at super-speed in front of a busload of people, then Pete gets up and tells them all he's an alien, and they're all disbelieving? I mean, at least somebody had to have seen that action.

I want to be in Pete's family. They are so rich, they can have a car blow up one week (last week's red sports car, blown up by Ethan with one bullet...ah, tv magic) and have a completely new car of the same model, but blue, the next week. I suppose it survived Clark catching it, but don't worry, they could afford another one next week if he didn't, I'm sure. Maybe it was insurance. The really really good kind that covers one-bullet explosions and front fender bends from being caught by superhumans.

I'll bet you next week it's yellow.

And what about poor Pete's hands! I mean, this is another issue of physics. You break a bat on Superman's head, your hands are going to develop some really mighty welts, bruises, contusions, or more appropriately, broken fingers. And then later, he punches Clark in the head while holding a rock the size of his palm in his fist. See you later, Metacarpals! Clerical error, no fault of mine.

There was also one of those laugh moments in this one. You ever watched an old 80's cartoon? Well, they had one of those moments where everything is resolved and all of the characters are about to burst into hearty laughter right as we fade to black when Pete went to the Kents and apologized. I liked it, but cringed at the same time.

They padded the fall when the car dropped! Clark slowed the acceleration! Coolness! Maybe they learned from Chloe's pseudo death at the hands of the nefarious JTT!

I had some Luthor issues with this episode. First off, Luthor goes into a barn where Chloe, Pete, and Clark are all acting like complete fools. They treat him like garbage, and then they leave, after Clark very clearly threatens him. Though he obviously would respect Clark for being assertive, Lex would also be angry at being treated so poorly.

Which brings me to the next Lex issue: Chloe tells him to get a toupee. This is okay, this is fine. He's a baldy. It's actually a sore point for him, as we know. So what does Lex Luthor, future greatest criminal mastermind of our time do? He doesn't make a witty comeback, like, "Yes, I may be bald, per ce, but what is laid bare here besides your chest, you filthy harlot!" Or something else intelligent and witty and less geeky than I just put it. He doesn't have her family liquidated...that's what Luthor would do. She'd come home, find her family dead, her money gone, and her car blown up, even without the magic bullet. That's Luthor. But he just ignores her. That was a bit off for me, even in his undeveloped evil stage.

And what's with all the ads making Luthor out to be evil? What's he done so far that hasn't had at the very least good intentions? Even exploring Clark is in the name of truth...

They also don't resolve that Clark and Lex left on bad terms, and I'm interested to see if they even mention it next episode. I'm betting not.

Think Chloe will have those highlights next week? I'm betting not.

But there were some good things. First off, Luthor was on at one point. He had a backup plan when the money failed with the expert. Luthor at his best. Always has a backup plan, always gets what he wants.

Another good thing: Clark suffers for things that aren't his fault. Suffer, Clark, you little worm, you foolish idealist, because that's what we like to see happen to idealists! Then eventually, but at great cost, beat the forces of evil. Can I get a Comic-leujah?

A piece of commentary on male/female relationships: When a guy says, "I can explain!" Always give him a chance. It's a rude and worthless thing to close avenues of communication. Say you walk into a room, see Clark making out with Chloe, and then Chloe leaves, and then Clark comes over and says, "I can explain!"

Instead of being a whiny, worthless, rude so-and-so, expletive deleted, expletive deleted, etx, etx, etx, say, "Okay, smarty. Explain. But it better be good."

And it should be, in such a case.

"Well, Lana, Chloe just threw herself on me, and she's under the influence of some strange parasite."

Then Lana would still storm off, but when Chloe proves this true, no more conflict. Lana is creating her own issues with Clark, and I've seen this kind of thing happen far too often, in my life, in others' life, mostly because they see this melodramatic expletive deleted, etx, and then decide to act it out. Don't do that, kids, it's not worth it, and don't put it in a show, because it annoys normal, stable people.

On the other side, if you walk in on your boyfriend making out with a strange chick, he tries to explain by saying it was a parasite, and it turns out to be her alphabetic attraction factor (A, B, C, heck, I can't read after certain letters sometimes), then dump the punk.

I liked the fact that costuming put Clark in a blue shirt with a red backpack. It was subtle, and I'm sure not many noticed it.

All in all, there were many flaws, no real character direction (the thing with Lana and Clark and the lying has been done before, and well. You might remember the episode: RED), and a repeat of a plot already done this season (You might remember the episode: RED). There was also mischaracterization, and failed attempts to make things seem cool that really weren't, like breaking a bat on a head, because you get all caught up in the failure of plausibility. I think what happened is Loeb wrote Red, it got fan reaction, so they told the new writer for this episode (Not Loeb, I looked it up) to write another one like it, but not it. And this is what we get.

An average, mid-season episode that lagged in several critical ways.

2 of 5.

I like Chloe getting freaky, but there has to be a reason for it.

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